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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

What Americans want, according to google

The other day I was killing a little time listening to Glen Beck, when he pointed out some of the fun things that you find when you type "(name the state) wants" into Google search and read the suggestions.  So I thought I'd try it for a little fun.

First of all, there are two main answers you get, and consider only what the state wants (for example, I didn't count things like "Iowa woman wants to be 300 lbs.").  13 states (which equals 26%, as I'm sure you know), wanted nothing at all.  The greatest concentration of want-nothings lie in a band from roughly Delaware to Massachusetts.  I guess we can assume that life is pretty good for them.

The second is "to secede from the union".  A full 19 states want that.  Most of the old Confederacy ( except Alabama, Virginia, Georgia, and Florida) are among the rats off the sinking ship. A variation on this are the states that want to "split" into one or more new states.  Michigan (Upper Peninsula as usual), Maine, and Colorado (whose case was all over the news last summer) want to split in two... California, proving why everyone else in the nations think they're the home of mixed nuts, wants to split into SIX...

.Two states have a definite plan in mind (though I didn't count them in the seceding as such)...Hawaii wants independence, and Vermont wants to join Canada.  Missouri, though, didn't seem to get the memo:  in addition to wanting to secede, they also wanted to BECOME a state.  I guess planning ahead is a virtue...

Some states seek after grand causes.  Washington wants to tax bicycles, Idaho, the "cloud".  Wyoming wants an aircraft carrier, despite being one of ten states with no recognized amount of navigable waterways.  Wisconsin has two grand goals:  to be called the "Mitten State", and to bring One Direction to play there.  Mississippi wants to ban interracial marriage (good luck with that one);  Alabama wants to castrate sex offenders; Pennsylvania wants to change the Electoral College; North Carolina wants to "go big with alternatives".   Michigan has a desire that could potentially solve a lot of problems- they WANT more immigrants.  Show of hands, those who just said, "You can have ours!"  Three states- Wyoming, Virginia, and South Carolina, want their own currency.  How about Monopoly money?  That's about what it would end up worth.  In the mean time, Texas wants its gold back.

Several states are more concerned with sports:  Texas wants Nick Saban; New Mexico, Mike Leach; and Arkansas, Les Miles. Minnesota wants basketball pro Pau Gasol.  Oregon and Kansas want 'Bama, and 'Bama wants Oregon.  They also want football back.  Speaking of wants, on a sideline note, China apparently wants both Alaska and Idaho.  Must be hungry for king crab and baked potatoes.

Louisiana and South Carolina both want to succeed, but I'm not sure if they really just can't spell "secede".  Three states want to work;  one of them is obviously not Kentucky, because they want ObamaCare.  Nebraska wants the Keystone pipeline, so they can have Canadian oil;  Georgia, more simply, just wants Tennessee water.  Arkansas wants its fugitive back, who ever he/she may be; North Dakota wants to change its name- but what would that do to South Dakota?  Especially since the name they want to change to is, "Dakota".  Maryland wants to ban ammo, though apparently keeping their guns; California wants to serve a warning with fries (frankly, I'd prefer a burger); and North Carolina wants a state religion.

Finally, two states want ME.  Yeah, yeah, I know that the one is talking about the song Indiana Wants Me... but how do you explain Arizona?  HMMMM?

Stay tuned- I may try this with Europe someday soon.


  1. Yip. Life is pretty good here. Especially since I didn't have to work in the snow today. Tomorrow though... is gonna suck donkey dingle.

    I could see ME wanteing to split in two. Upstate Maine is extremely different than lower Maine. Upstate they tend to marry 1st cousins because of lack of options (sadly a true story) and in some areas still have odd school breaks so the kids can help the families harvest potatoes off the farm. Lower Maine is more like rural/city New England with a home town feel.

    As for VT, Last time I was there, I thought they already were Canadian....

    1. Obviously, then, the idea for the split must come from the south... thanks for teaching me another fact I didn't know. I have a friend that puts the difference between Austria and Germany in the same terms, Austria being the "Uppers".

  2. This was great! It reminded me of when Texas wanted to leave the Union a year or two ago. That petition went around for other people in their states to do the same. Very interesting post.

    1. Yeah, I was shocked that Texas didn't come up on the Secede list for just that reason.

  3. Oh yes, at one time it actually made news that North Colorado wanted to be its own state.

    I'm sure you remember the blog post we did about that, but if not... basically all of the rednecks got sick and tired of being outvoted by the city folk in Denver and wanted their own state so they could get a say. And it got shot down immediately. I'm pretty sure it only made news out of ridicule. Ouch.

    The State of North Colorado Flag

    1. Actually I remembered both the news story and the blog bit. However, we never got wind of the result. Another fact I didn't know before!

  4. What a fun exercise. I wonder if this would yield different results if you used the "I'm Feeling Lucky" function on Google. That always comes up with Crazy Stuff. Hmmm. Now I might have to try it.

    1. Hmmm... might have to try that when I attempt the Euro-version sometime next week.

  5. Chris:
    ROFLMAO - maybe it's just me, but I found this TOO laughable.
    "what the states want", should be a regular FEATURE here...seriously.
    (tell me whatcha want, whatcha really really

    Make it a WEDNESDAY gig...because of the illiteration.
    (big cheesy grin).

    --Yeah, Pennsy wants to change the electoral a MIDDLE SCHOOL.
    (that's the way they seem to act anyway)
    --MIss. banning interracial marriage?
    Cripes about a THIRD of the people HERE in the entire USA are already THERE. Just change the name of the state to Nomulattoland and try that first.
    --I thought Cali was labelled as:
    "the land of FRUIT and NUTS"?
    --Michigan wants immigants? Yes, they can have OURS, esp. the Burmese, and all those originally FROM Detroit ...and Chicago, too...(heh)
    What surprised me the most about your findings was that NONE of the states wanted to change their name to DENIAL...
    Or for that matter...FROM denial.
    (wink, wink...nudge, nudge)

    Good post, Brother.

    Stay safe & warm up there.

    1. EVERY Wednesday? Regular feature? uhhhm... no....

      The Pennsylvania line killed me! "middle school"!

      And as soon as I saw the Michigan want, I thought of all the "legals" at my old job I coulda shared that with. Crap, you came 3,000 miles, what's another hundred?

      I'm thinking that the Detroit City Street Dept. could use a few good men...

  6. I raised my hand. lol

    This was definitely an interesting read. I had no idea CA wanted to be split 6 different ways. There's the crazy group that wants to make the State of Jefferson, but that would require OR giving up some land. But CA could potentially split into North and South. Maybe then we could charge an outrageous amount for the freaking water they take from up here. However, the State of Jefferson will more than likely never come to fruition because the northern part of CA is the least populated and the poorest part of the state. Doubt it could run itself anywhere but into the ground. :/

    1. Apparently it's some silicon valley bigwig whose main concern is to get SV a state of its own.

  7. Pennsylvania want sot change the Electoral College? Funny, I didn't know it soiled itself.