Martin World News

ITEM:  Still waiting to here back from Governor Pence and Allen County CPS for putting that last post on their Facebook pages.... AHHAHAHAHA!!! I have no kids to take away, you bastards!! I got rid of them already!!!

ITEM:  Well, it's back to work for the "laziest man alive".  The only thing new to report is that things are pretty much where I left them.

ITEM: I know you've been dying to know how my hockey teams are doing.  Well, Rouen (France) and SonderjyskE (Denmark) are in first place, three more are in second, and all but three of them are in playoff position.  Belarus is now in their seeding play ins... and while my Lida team was crappy (11-22-3), they are in the losers' play in.  This means that, out of ten teams, five are playing for position in the upcoming playoffs, the other are also doing a round robin so that three of them can go to the playoffs.  Or, to put it simply, they're out, but they're still in.  More hockey stories later.

Neighbor's snowman- Saturday.

ITEM:  Today, Joe Marable was charged with Class D Theft.  His crime came back in October, when he hit Bobby G's favorite grocery store, the Waynedale Kroger.  Video footage shows him, with an accomplice, picking out an $80 beef loin.  They put it in their basket, then moved down another aisle and stuck the loin next to his loins- AKA down his pants.  He then drove to another Krogers, where he sent the accomplice, one Shadrick Solares, in to return it.  Shady, though, didn't have a receipt (I wonder why), and the package still bore the Waynedale tag.

So they went home, called Kroger customer service, and told them that Shady got refused NOT because he was a thief, or had no receipt, but because he was black.  Sure doesn't seem like I heard that excuse so often, say six years ago... Anyhow, they then went to a THIRD Krogers, where they whined their way into a gift card for the price of the loin. (the cow's, not Joe's.)

Thus, Kroger customer service offered them another gift card, which they would have to pick up at the Waynedale store.  The Customer Service Manager, who had already watched the security tape, IDed the two "enterprising African Americans", and they were then arrested.  Moral of the story:  Next time, just steal the gift card and claim the cashier didn't activate it properly.  That's what they do at Wal-Mart, I'm told.

Neighbor's snowman, today.

ITEM:  Which brings up this week's "Tales of Wal-Mart".  Laurie didn't really have a good one this week (other than having to stay over Friday night because the night manager couldn't figure out where he'd assigned the people he was supposed to assign to the registers)  So she did remind me that one day last summer, a lady came in who apparently wasn't pleased with the quantity or quality of flies inhabiting the store- so she brought her own.  They seemed to be well trained to follow her perfume (Eau de Stench), as they came with her and left with her.

ITEM:  You know we have to have a sex post, so here it is- today the DHHS lambasted Medicare for paying for almost half-a-million penis pumps (yes, I said penis pumps) for "patients" between 2006-2011.  Of course, you know this is just the tip of the ...er, iceberg.  The government paid an average of OVER $300 a pump for a device you can get on the company's website for $125.  And as the number of claims went up 59% from 2006 to 2011, the price Medicare paid for each one went up 89%.  For the six years the report covered, the report estimated that Medicare could have saved $14.4 million PER YEAR just by paying retail for what has to be the most unnecessary expenditure that Medicare could have found outside of Cher's next butt lift. (Which, by the Medicare payment schedule, would cost around $14,000.)

We had a couple little visitors Saturday afternoon.

One of them is only willing to show a butt.

ITEM:  Hockey post 2:  I admit I haven't been paying as much attention to the hometown Ft Wayne Komets as I should.  A few weeks back, a sports columnist mentioned that the Komets desperately needed a team captain- and he pointed out one particular player, instead of two others whom the writer thought played too selfish a game to be team leaders.  Well, guess what?  Just before New Year's, the team made the player suggested captain.  The other two promptly quit the team... though with nobody saying anything other than "it just isn't working out."  So the Komets looked for a trade- and since the one guy was the teams leading scorer, you'd think they'd get something good out of him.

Enter the Orlando Solar Bears, who had a problem of their own.  They had a player who wanted out of town.  What they didn't know (supposedly) was that the player was so disillusioned that he was about to quit.  The next league down had a team in his home town, and he was about to quit Orlando and go there- the two leagues don't have the standard "Thou shalt not screw thy fellow league" agreement like most others do, so he could quit his ECHL contract and sign with a CHL team.  So the supposedly ignorant Solar Bears traded him to the Komets for their malcontent- and he promptly told the Komets that he would not report, he was going to the CHL, and he "didn't know why the Solar Bears would trade him".  I think they were living up to their initials (Solar Bears).  Of course, Orlando tells the Komets (whose owner is muttering to the media, "The one time I didn't put in a "deal's off if the player don't report" clause...") they'll "make the trade good".  They were supposed to add a player to be named anyway, because the guy the Komets were supposed to get had about 1/3 the points of the guy the Komets gave up.  All this because some clown was pissed that his "my way first" style of play wasn't good enough to be team captain.

ITEM:  The Weather Channel gave Ft Wayne a "there there, dear" the other day.  They studied data for 30 years worth of December-January-Februarys and came up with a list of the cities that average the coldest those three months.  Ft Wayne came in at #10, trailing Minneapolis/St Paul, Anchorage, Madison, Milwaukee, Omaha, Lincoln, Rochester, and Buffalo.  However, we did beat Indy (15th).

ITEM:  One last hockey post-  Poor old China Dragon, the doormat of the Asia League.  At least last year  they had a pair of OT losses.  In fact, in just under five seasons, they are 1-178-5, their lone win a 4-3 over Nikko Ice Bucks in 2009-10.  But this year, with 8 games left, they are 0-34-0, and are being outscores an average of 8-to-1 1/2.  This could be the year they run the table.


ITEM:  Finally a PSA for you singles.  BBC Magazine came out with a list of the most hated clichés used on online dating profiles.  So whatever you do, DON'T say...

-"...looking to make friends...
-"Hello, is it me you're looking for?"  Even if you're Lionel Ritchie.
-"...looking for my knight in shining armour..."  Coming to your emotional rescue....
-"...no baggage please!" Hmph.  On Southwest, bags fly free.
-"..I don't bite- unless you ask me to..."  I know that don't work.  I'VE used it!
-"...if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!"  I'll take that chance.
-"...I don't take life too seriously..."
-"...I work hard, and play hard..." Do you want a date or a spot on the team?
-"... my children are everything to me."  And you're dating why?
And topping the annoying list-  "I'M BUBBLY."

Damien from London says "bubbly" is the single most annoying word anyone can use to describe themselves on a dating site. "What does that even mean?"

Dean from Rugby has an idea.

He offers a translation: "'I'm bubbly and fun' - I'm loud and have a laugh like a foghorn."