Martin World News- Naked Olympics edition

Hey, don't look at me... this is the most I EVER wear...

Well the weekly search for idiocy was a bit slow for a change... but I did find, on a site called Guyism.com, 25 things one shouldn't do naked.  One of them was our old friend Jermaine Jones, who rode naked around his complex's parking lot on a tricycle.  It came in at #23.  As for the twenty-four others, many of them fell into convenient groups.

I- At retail establishments

For an example, we have 20-y-o Daylen Holloman, who called policemen at a 7-11 at Palm Coast, FL.  When they arrived, he seemed confused as to why he called, but tried to explain it away by asserting, " he only knew he was a monkey".  When police tried to explain to him he was a human because "monkeys don't wear clothes", he began to strip.

Another convenience store incident involved a woman who was disappointed over an anticipated sexual encounter (a theme that will appear again at the end of the feature).  Heather Hayes of Upstate NY decided she'd had enough of her boyfriend's playing of Xbox with his buddies and wanted some... he did not, and she tripped out.  As she dismantled the bedroom, he high tailed it to the corner store to call 911.  Hayes, still thinking she was going to get some out of the deal, followed him naked from the waist down into the store.  When apprehended by the police, she didn't remember inflicting the bite marks on his arms, and said she hadn't thrown on her pants before pursuing him because... well, she still thought she was gonna get some.


A final example in this category gives us Kevin Hughes, 36, of Tega Cay, SC, who "has a drug problem", and "accidentally" took meth instead of his preferred ecstasy, and thus doesn't remember walking around the neighborhood Wal Mart cruising the electronic section in nothing but black shoes. (This was their #1, BTW.)

II- Just hanging (it) out

Here we have examples such as:  John David Kinder, 25, of St. Lucie, accused of dancing naked in the road in front of a neighbor's house; Anthony Johnson, 54, AKA "City Pimp", a homeless man eating Wendys with his pants down in front of a West Palm Beach Walgreens (Notice how many of these stories are coming from the SAME area?); Marty Parrish, 52, of Ormond Beach, strolling the boardwalk in his altogether; Anthony Hedger, 24, and his baby, walking down a Greenville, NC, highway, fleeing into a woods to escape police, and biting the baby's shoulder when police tried to take the child; Osmar Hernandez, 33, of New Orleans, who was strolling through town, naked from the waist down, holding his shorts (because they kept falling off, he said), masturbating and singing (the tune was not recognized by arresting officers);  and Mark Mertz, a 44-y-o teacher who was humping his mailbox in his driveway.

III- Things better done elsewhere

How about visiting your husband in jail?

Maura Fussell, a 26-y-o from Reston, VA, who decided the best way to visit hubby in jail was naked and drunk.  Or, on the other side of the fence, how about:

 

Meet Michael Long, whom the police in Arab, AL, found 40 feet up a pine tree, with the intention of living in it.  Or maybe it's just a cultural thing in Kentucky when Deharra Waters was busted for running through the bingo hall with his pants down, shouting, "BINGO!!!"  While it was clear that he was drunk, it was not clear whether he had actually hit a bingo or not.

19-y-o Joseph Hall found himself drunk and naked in Knoxville TN and did what any reasonable person would do under the circumstances- steal a Bobcat from a local nursery and attempt to drive it home.  42-y-o Sean Flaherty of Iowa City was caught nude and breaking the tail lights out of parked cars, because "red means danger to the republic."

Who wouldn't want to wake up at two in the morning and find a naked lady in their bathtub?

 

25-y-o Sara Soto took off her black dress and climbed through a doggie door, entering the home "to use the phone".  Which totally explains why she was in the tub.  At least she wasn't like the unidentified woman from Phelan, CA, who tried to run over her equally naked fiancée in their car.  Or Konstantine Khazin, a 25-y-o Ukrainian from San Diego who claimed he heard a noise in the neighbor ladies' home, so he broke in, found nothing, and just to prove that he hadn't done it to steal anything (his story), took off his clothes and sat on her bed until she got home.  Or the two partiers from Novi MI, one of which was found passed out on a trail barely breathing and the other stripped naked, cut through a screen door, and wandered into a neighbor's house.  Both apparently "on bad acid trips."  Or 41-y-o Chad Forber, found by Rock Island IL police walking naked down the street, carrying his shorts and a can of Crisco, in which he was slathered, "looking for a party".


IV: Performance art

Here we have the strange case of Carnegie-Mellon University student Katherine O'Connor, 19, who dressed up as the Pope from the waist up, sporting only her pubic hair shaved into a cross from the waist down.  University President Jered Cohon is pressing misdemeanor indecent exposure charges against her and two compatriots in the incident.  Not on this list, but of a similar vein (so to speak) is Russian protester Petr Pavlensky nailed his scrotum to the cobbles of Red Square to protest Russia's growing into a police state.  I'm sure Putin will be greatly moved..


And for the grand finale-

V:  Caught on video

In a story from the UK, an elderly couple are telling a TV reporter the story of a tree that smashed their home, when Nathaniel Koba, 22 and higher than a kite, stumbles onto the scene:







And wrapping things up (again, so to speak)-  remember me mentioning sexual trysts gone wrong?  Well, yet another citizen of the Sunshine State, 41-y-o Sandra Suarez wanted to get it on in the parking lot of a St Petersburg McDonalds with a worker, who declined.  So she came in clad only in her panties and DESTROYED the restaurant.  I won't post the video here, but it is viral on YouTube, is somewhat entertaining, and you can watch it  here.