Martin World News

ITEM:  I have tried to limit the phallic items that this phallic obsessed world keeps sending my way.  So let me dive right into the "Acts like one, don't look like one" list:

ITEM:  If you are in our neck of the woods, you've seen the Jimmy John's ads about their unbelievably fast delivery.  Recently, we learned how they accomplish that.  Laurie decided to order from them, knowing that there is one right between her work and here.   She was told that we were "out of their delivery range."  She was directed to call their other nearby store, which told her the same thing.

You'll note that both stores are within 1 1/2 miles of our door.  So, unless you work for one of the businesses clustered around the Coldwater Road Wal-Mart or live in an IPFW dorm room, you are SOL.

Guess what, JJs?  You ain't that good.  And you are SOL.

ITEM:  The other day, I was explaining to the girl that relieves me at lunch about a particularly difficult part of a cover we had to cut.  I Told her, the section was "A shark jumping over a canoe full of little indian kids and he eats one."

What would you call it?

Note: the crosshairs are in the middle of the canoe...


ITEM:  A website called OfficeTeam was doing an article on how you quit a job can effect how you fare getting the next one.  They had several real life examples of how NOT to quit:


"An employee baked a cake with her resignation letter written on top."

"A marching band accompanied one guy in his announcement."

"The worker threw a brick through the window with the words 'I quit' written on it."

"The individual sent an email blast to all staff."

"A worker threw a cup of coffee and walked out."

"One woman created a music video to explain she was leaving."

"One person quit via Facebook."

"Someone resigned on a video conference call."


"One person made his wife call to say he was not coming back."

"The worker sent a text to his colleague and asked her to forward it to management."

"An employee's parents let the company know their son was resigning."


"The employee said she was stepping out to buy new boots, but was never seen again."


I'm guessing Brick Guy fared the worst at exit interview...


ITEM:  In the continuing effort to expose both Boko Haram and the Nigerian Army for the poor excuses they are, we present the story that BH attacked into the nation of Chad last week- and, as usual when fighting somebody who gives a crap, got their heads handed to them. But the telling blow came from the poster child of incompetent bureaucracy, the UN:


The United Nations special representative for West Africa said Friday that Nigeria's military needs to show "greater resolve" in the widening fight against the extremist group Boko Haram. "I think we all expect more from the Nigerian military," Mohammed Ibn Chambas said at the U.N.

ITEM:  North Korea has released 310 new patriotic slogans to inspire the poor starving populace that love the fata$$ who's starving them so much.  Among them:


Let us develop friendly and cooperative relations with all countries that respect the sovereignty of our nation and are friendly to us!   And those countries would be... ah... uhm...

Let us resolutely frustrate the anti-DPRK "human rights" schemes by the US and its vassal forces!  Because we all know what an evil idea Human Rights is...

Read the minds of producers first before measuring the quantity of their products!  Because when you're starving, it's the thought that counts.

Let us make the whole country resound louder with the song We Are the Happiest in the World.  Gee, and I thought that Denmark was the happiest country.  Go figure!

Let us establish the guerrilla's way of studying throughout society!  Mind explaining that one?

No, no... GUERILLA, not GORILLA!

When young people are astir, the whole country becomes astir and a revolutionary upsurge is brought about on all fronts of building a thriving socialist country.  Yeah, let me talk to the kids of Tiannamen Square and Hong Kong and get back to you on that.

Let us turn the whole country into a land of the arts and make the arts mass-based!  "Mass-based?" Like, "You lot there, paint those walls!"

Let us turn the whole country into a socialist fairyland by modelling it on Pyongyang, capital of the revolution!  "...and I hear the USSR will be open soon... as Vacationland for Lawyers in Love..."

Let this socialist country resound with Song of Big Fish Haul and be permeated with the fragrant smell of fish and other seafoods!  Ah, the fragrant smell of fish... AKA "You know you aren't culturally connecting when..."


And then, my favorite of all:


Let us turn ours into a country of mushrooms by making mushroom cultivation scientific, intensive and industrialised!
Guess what?  Already there...

There are so many of these, I might just feed a few more through next week- if SONY doesn't hack me before then...


ITEM:  Yet again, London Mayor Boris Johnson makes the MWN.  What is he doing THIS time?

Boris Johnson says he intends to renounce his American citizenship to prove his "commitment to Britain".  He told the Sunday Times that his citizenship was "an accident of birth that has left me with this thing. I've got to find a way of sorting it out".  Mr Johnson said he would approach US ambassador Matthew Barzun to explore what steps he had to take to give up his American nationality.

The Conservative politician - who was born in Manhattan in 1964 and holds a US passport alongside a British one - said that relinquishing his citizenship was a "laborious business, they don't make it easy for you".


Yep, renouncing American citizenship to be more of a Brit.  Or was it really...


In January he settled a US tax bill he had previously described as "absolutely outrageous".  Mr Johnson had faced a demand from the US authorities to pay capital gains tax on profits from the sale of his house in north London.

American law requires all citizens to pay US taxes even if they live abroad.


In this case, it was a bill that has been estimated to be as high as $150,000 plus by some tax experts, though the Financial Times says the settlement was nowhere near that high.


ITEM:  Finally, the zoo story for the week:

TOKYO, Feb. 10 (UPI) --A zoo in Tokyo dressed a worker in a cartoony snow leopard costume to stage an animal escape drill and test out the zoo's response.
The Tama Zoological Park drill involved worker Toshiya Nomura donning the leopard suit and running wild around the zoo -- at one point staging a mock attack on a zoo worker -- before being brought down by a tranquilizer dart.

Nomura played asleep for the drill and staff members ensured the "leopard" was sedated by poking it's head with a stick.

"We focused on making this drill as realistic as possible. One of our staff being knocked down and injured was a part of that," said Yukata Funda, director of the Tama Zoological Park.

I'm outta here!