Time Machine Co-ordinates VICXLIX652112774

 

EP:  Man, am I stuffed!

Well, you ARE a turkey... where'd you eat at?

Bellbottom had us "imaginary characters" over at his place- his wife is a top notch cook!

Must be nice...

Oh, don' cry, you get the real thing!

This is true, and I'm bringing some of it in today!

Cool, leftovers!

Not exactly, bud, but I do have a turkey treat coming up! And also, let's bring in Ringo Starr!

RS:  'Ello, nice to be here on Thanksgiving Day!

EP:  That was yesterday...

RS:  You mean there'll be no parade?

Not as long as we all avoid the bologna casserole!  So between the Beatles and solo, this will be 14 times in the POTM chair...

EP:  Most of 'em as their baggage carrier...

RS:  'Ey, wot?  You're a bit surly today!

EP:  Sorry, I got this Christmas show to worry about...

RS:  Oh, yes, we got the invite!  We'll have a jolly time!

EP:  I hope so... Bellbottom thinks we should bring Johnny Nash in, to make up for stiffing him twice... an' I gotta un-piss-him-off...

If anyone can do it, you can!  Anyway, we're in November 27, 1974, today- one day before John Lennon's last public performance...

RS:  I hope you mean musical- one never knows with him...

As a matter of fact, you're old mate comes up in our Turkey feature later on...

EP:  Good place f'r him- er, I mean...

RS:  Don't worry it, old boy.  He's probably wearing big boy pants, if any...

OKAY, then, why don't we go to our first of 2 debuts on the M10 this week!  Last time this gentleman was on, he peaked at #3 on my birthday in 2017!  Here's Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit at #10...

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So, before we go to the Panel, I'd like to explain what we'll be doing in this 'turkey' feature!  I took this week's top ten from Cashbox 1974... and looked for each artist's LOWEST charting single- AKA their turkey.  I listened and ranked them, and we'll count them down, from least 'turkey-like' to most!  But right now, I'm giving the mike to these turkeys for the Panel picks!

EP: Turkeys?  I'm not the one who's been spelling Lourenco Marques wrong the last 3 weeks...

RS:  And speaking of that lovely island, they voted for Leo Sayer's Long Tall Glasses, which was a big hit on both sides of the ocean...

EP:  Yeah, well we actually had a chart from Chris's hometown station, WMEE, this week, and they took Tin Man by America at #1.

RS:  Yes, and this week, the stations from Australia all voted for the same song- just not the official #1 for this week- and it was Canada that had three different votes in the contest.

EP:  That ain't nothin'!  We had a vote from a Spanish station this week- an' they voted fer the same song that South Africa did!  Not to mention it also won New Zealand, and makes the finals!

RS:  With that, I imagine we should be about the finalists!  Would you like to go first?

EP:  Nah.  I'm told I gotta work on my ego...

RS:  All right, then, we have five finalists this week.  Please choose from:

Billy Swan's I Can Help, #3 on Cashbox this week...

EP:  I got Carl Douglas, an' Kung Fu Fighting at #8...

RS: Bobby Vinton's My Melody Of Love is at #2...

EP:  I got BTO an' You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet at #1...

RS:  And lastly, we have the Three Degrees and When Will I See You Again at #6!

All right guys, nice job!  While they- and you- debate the choices, here's our second debut at #9- from Matthew Sweet...

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So, like I said, I looked up the lowest charting song for each act in this week's Cashbox top ten from 1974, and hopefully starting a new tradition, here, in ascending order of turkey-ness, here are the turkeys of the top ten!

10- John Denver was at #5 with our 6 Degrees victim this week, Back Home again.  His two worst charting hits were his last two charting hits!  Second to last was a song called Downhill Stuff (perhaps a tribute to Sonny Bono?) that hit #106; and right after was a really good song that really should have went higher, called What's On My Mind which peaked at 107, and was by far the class of the field.

9- BTO's You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet was #1, but their lowest charting hit came two lps after Randy Bachman left the group.  The lead singer was Jim Clench, and the tune, which peaked at 92 on Cashbox in 1978 was Down The Road.

8- Neil Diamond was at #4 with Longfellow Serenade; his lowest charter was a song that first sounded like it was going to be a copy of his hit Shilo; then came really flat lyrics that he sang like he was bored with them; and then came one of the best choruses he's ever done!  This song, hitting #91 in 1973, was called The Long Way Home.

7- Reunion was a studio band with a one hit wonder called Life Is A Rock (But The Radio Rolled Me), which was our #10 this week.  The lead singer was Joey Levine, who'd sang for several acts, most notably Ohio Express.  His lowest across these acts- as far as I could tell- was as a member of the Kasenetz-Katz Singing Orchestral Circus...

...with a song that sounded like the Beach Boys, with Steve Urkel singing lead, on a song about a place FAR from the ocean, called Down In Tennessee.  It made it to #124 in 1968.

6- When He was 15 years old, Carl Carlton (who's Everlasting Love was at #9) tried to hop on the "Little Stevie Wonder" momentum and was billed as "Little Carl Carlton".  It was under this name he had his turkey, a not-too-bad song that hit #105 in 1968, called 46 Drums And 1 Guitar.

5- Carl Douglas, at #8 with Kung Fu Fighting, didn't stray far from that hit for his follow up.  Despite being even more campy, Dance The Kung Fu was the highest charting single of the lot, peaking at #48 here in 1974.

4- The last posthumous lp with new material from John Lennon (who was at #7 with Whatever Gets You Through The Night) contained his lowest charter, a tune that hit #108 in 1984.  It wasn't half bad... until the end just got really weird, finishing with John himself saying, "What the hell was THAT?"  It was called Borrowed Time.

3- Billy Swan's I Can Help was at #3; his turkey was a song I couldn't help but feel had an ironic title, because it started one way, and stayed there.  It was called Everything's The Same (Ain't Nothing Changed), and it made 17 country but only 91 pop in 1975.

2- The last two songs I really wanted to like... but just couldn't do it.  Bobby Vinton, saying something bad about him is like blasphemy- even songs that don't quite do it for me like My Melody Of Love at #2.  But this one- a #140 in 1964- it started out promising, but then just kinda wandered off into a mess for me.  It was called, rather clunkilly, Imagination Is A Magic Dream.

And the top turkey for 1974?

I'll admit, part of my problem was that I don't think the first recording I listened to was put on YouTube very well... and I had to turn it off halfway through.  A better recording I found later improved it somewhat... but it was still a pink ribbon on a skunk for me.  Peaking at #126 in 1965...

...the Three Degrees (who had When Will I See You Again at #6 this week) with Close Your Eyes.  I could handle the eye closing, but that breath they wanted me to take...

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Overseas If You Please gives us the following top hits:

The UK #1 was David Essex and Gonna Make You A Star.

In Canada it was, not surprisingly, BTO with You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet.

New Zealand had that international hit, Kung Fu Fighting, as did South Africa.

And Australia had Olivia Newton-John's I Honestly Love You, despite the fact that both votes from there on the Panel went to Ernie Sigley and Denise Drysdale's cover of Hey Paula.  BTW, if anyone can explain to me what a "barrel girl" in this context was, I'd be forever appreciative....

This week's big mover belonged to our guest, here...

RS:  Who, me?

Yes, you, and only you, because your cover of Only You jumped from #64 to 31- 33 spots this week!

RS:  Yes!  There's the lad!  What say you to that?

EP:  My song Promised Land went from 48 to 41 this week...

RS:  Oh, well done!

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The remaining M10...

8- Alice Cooper up 2 with Rock And Roll.

7- Roseanne Cash crawls back out of the Promised Land, falling one spot.

6- Down 2 for the Four Seasons and The Girl I'll Never Know.

5- Up 2, the very unusual path of Ron Keel's Ghost Riders continues- 2 weeks at 9, two weeks at 7, now 5.

4- Acres Wild drops 2  with Mirrorball Stars.

3- The former #1, Yuno and No Going Back.

2- Up 3 spots, Purr and Avenue Bliss.

  And his second trip to #1....

...M.A.G.S. and Smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now, for the Panel- Mr Presley, if you would...

You bet, boss!  If'n you took BTO or Three Degrees, you got 7.4%...

If it was Vinton, you got 11%...

If ya took Swan, ya got 16.7%...

But the winner- another repeater- with 24%....

...Carl Douglas and Kung Fu Fighting!

Say, you think he could give me some tips?

I think the first tip he should give you is NOT to try any tricks on the Beatles during the Christmas party!

Fine, but if that Lennon bares his a$$ to me during the show, all bets are O-F-F!