Since I haven't had fun with a spam e-mail in a while...

 

A few days back, I was informed that Vegemite is, indeed, tastier than SPAM.  Have I tried that out?  Don't be silly!  But I was looking for something to post about, and low and behold, my spam filter provided.  This one I've got to say is loaded with so many curiosities, I had to share piece by piece.

1- The address: from "Kelley Bergeron" at one long abandoned Yahoo dot com e-mail address, TO "Kelley Bergeron" at another long abandoned yahoo dot com address.

2- "Greeting", singular, followed by the opening line: A just-opened post of Parcel Host of ours logistic concern has been started.  Even if we assume the "s" from "Greeting" drifted over to the "our" in this phrase, I still have no idea of what a 'post of Parcel Host' is.

3- " Our company offers a significant fee 'n' instructional package to receive ya as a participant of our company's expanding 'n' highly resultative partnership. "

Looks like someone took a "Make my spam look colloquial" class from Acme Language Arts.  I have to admit, I thought "resultative" was a made-up word, but I looked it up on Wiki:

In linguistics, a resultative (abbreviated RES) is a form that expresses that something or someone has undergone a change in state as the result of the completion of an event. 

That said, I'm thinking it's not being used correctly here... but I can't be sure...

4- "We unsheathed your contact channels via the CareerBuilder online space & hope that thine mastery might be potentially useful for the firm."

"Unsheathed"?  I'm thinking thine mastery of communications channels might be a bit... well, MPD? A sudden shift from colloquial mangling to the latest episode of "The Mighty Thor in Nigeria".  But, it doesn't last long... "When you’re excited about our business' job, would you be so kind to e-mail our concern so our firm's personnel workers might be capable to show ya'll upward function's description. "

The upward function's description, I believe, has come unsheathed.

5- " The job is for operators who aren't mind to function from apartment. If you may afford to physically be present inside of yours dwelling from 9 AM ending with five PM, you would make dollars." A rather tortuous way to say. "If you can stand being at home from 9 to 5, you can make money".  Glad I could unsheath that for you.

6- And now, ye olde job description:

The boon of our job is to proceed with packages. Things that will be UR exact capacities: accommodate packs out of 1 person, repack them following our biz's guideline, & to send off those to additional receivers. You has to be an unimpeachable partner for described post if you all are a just started to be a mommy, a scholar of outlying way of schooling, ex-service, handicapped man or woman, or the personality that distaste to depart place of habitation to make function.

"Accommodate packs OUT OF one person"?  What sort of pack is coming OUT of this person? I think the second part means, "you are a perfect fit for this job if you are a new mom, a college student, a vet, disabled,  or just don't wanna leave the house."  But that "scholar of outlying way of schooling" sounds a bit conspiratorial to me.

7- "You all will not be made with force to hand out with heavy-weight batches."  Directed to an audience from the South, perhaps Civil War vintage south, 'You all' won't be FORCED to lift heavy objects.  Never mind the man with the whip behind you...

8- And now, another exciting episode of, "Thor: Alabama God Of Thunder":

"How much money ye will obtain relies solely on ye – the more ya'll operate, the more money ya'll receive. On average, employees which only start operation for our association earn approx. 1000 bucks per 7 days.

Are thou in awe about our proposition? "

In awe just doesn't cover it, y'all...

9- But, y'all gotta love being at home, verily:

"And you must remember about staying at home from nine-hundred hours to 17.00 is a must to be able to obtain the mentioned proposition (in another case, mentioned appointment isn’t for thou, unfortunately)."

10- And let's take a look at how Kelley Bergeron (Assuming not a relative of Tom's) closes her letter.  You're probably thinking something like "Prithee, send ya missives by e-mail 'n' all", right?  Guess again.

e

 

Yep, that's it. "e".