And when you think it's safe...

 ...Not really, but I did get two spam e-mails that were worth a shout out this week, both in a similar vein.  The first one comes to us from "Mr Richard Mark".  And it starts with a warning, in German of all things:

Achtung: Diese E-Mail stammt von einem externen Absender. Öffnen Sie keine Links oder Anhänge, wenn Sie sich nicht sicher sind, dass diese E-Mail vertrauenswürdig ist, kontaktieren Sie Ihren Support.

Which is to say:

Attention: This email comes from an external sender. Do not open any links or attachments. If you are unsure that this email is trustworthy, contact your support.

No fooling?  So now, to the missive:

we inform you that we have verified your contract file Your ATM VISA CARD worth 36,500,000.0 is currently on my desk USD was approved And it was deposited with DHL Delivery Company for registration this morning, And we agreed that the delivery of your ATM worth 36,500,000.0 million USD The package will be sent tomorrow morning. So contact your full information Where will your ATM VISA CARD be delivered,

(1) Full name

(2) Mobile number

(3) Direct telephone number

(4) Country of origin

(5) Your current delivery address

(6) Occupation/ age/ gender

(7) City

8) The nearest airport

We will publish your ATM VISA CARD when you update us and you above given information a tracking number will be assigned, that is your tracking number package after it is sent to your postal address so that you can track it so that you know exactly when it will arrive at your postal address.

Urgently get back to us today with your full address at which you have an ATM card It will be delivered as I will be out of the office next week.

The amount on your card is 36,500,000.0 million USD and your PIN code is: (9106).

and you pay the ATM CARD delivery fee, it will only cost $150, which is only the money you pay, thank you

Stay blessed as I will look forward to your prompt reply.

Sincerely,

MR RICHARD MARK

Postman, Ordinary Post Post Office Kampala Uganda Email ( diplomaticagentud@gmail.com)

As typical, we have a contestant who can't figure out when to capitalize (we) and when not (Your) right off the bat.  Also a bit rocky on where the decimal fits in in money (.0, not .00?).  Making the apostle Paul look good, we have a run-on sentence with not one, but two, passive verbs ("...is currently on my desk USD was approved..."), followed by a capitalized conjunction which probably should have been a new, if poorly started, sentence.  I had to look up and confirm DHL was still in business (it is, to my surprise).  Among the many other amusing things that follow (like that diagrammer's nightmare that is the sentence starting with "Urgently", which is one period away from being two coherent sentences instead of one baffling one) is that Mr Mark is a 'postman' at an 'ordinary' post office (which just happens to be in Uganda, where I order all my multi-million USD Visa cards from), and yet still can handle my 36.5 million dollar transaction (which is roughly 1,200 times what I made last year).

Contestant #2 is one Judge Janet M DiFiore, who in real life is the Chief Judge of the Court of Appeals and of the State of New York.  However, THIS Judge Janet is supposedly based out of the Federal Courthouse in Charlottlesville, VA, and... well, let her tell it.  AFTER I mention that it also came with the lovely German warning (always so much more effective with that starting ACHTUNG!):

OFFICE OF THE CHIEF JUSTICE JANET M DIFlORE FEDERAL BUILDINGS AD U.S

COURTHOUSE

Address: 255 W Main St #230, Charlottesville, VA 22902, USA

IMPORTANT INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR TRANSACTION,

I 'M CONTACTING YOU NOW BASE ON ISSUE ON MY DESK THIS MORNING BECAUSE

YOUR PAYMENT FILE WHICH CONTAIN YOUR $4.5M WAS BROUGHT TO ME BY MR

JEROME POWELL OF FEDERAL RESERVE BANK WHO ORDERED ME TO SIGN THE

CANCELLATION OF YOUR PAYMENT FILE AND I ASKED HIM WHY AND HE SAID THAT

YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED AND

YOU HAVE INSULTED HIM SO MUCH JUST BECAUSE THAT THEY TOLD YOU TO PAY

$250 TO COMPLETE YOUR FUND TRANSACTION.

SO I DECIDED TO WRITE YOU BECAUSE I FOLLOWED THE LAW AND I WILL NOT BE

AGAINST ANYBODY IN THIS WORLD AND I THINK THAT MAYBE HE HAS A LITTLE

PROBLEM

WITH YOU. I HAVE NOT TOUCH YOUR PAYMENT FILE UNTIL I HEAR FROM YOU

THIS MORNING BECAUSE I HAVE A HUMAN SYMPATHY AND I KNOW THAT YOU WILL

NOT AFFORD TO LOSE YOUR FUND JUST BECAUSE OF $250 AND PLEASE ALL I

NEED FROM YOU IS SINCERITY AND TRUTH.

SO MY DEAR I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AND IF YOU STILL NEED TO

RECEIVE YOUR FUND THEN I WILL TELL YOU WHERE YOU WILL SEND THE $250

AND HAVE THIS

FUND SEND TO YOU THROUGH MY POWER AND NOTHING WILL STOP IT.

YOUR URGENT REPLY IS NEEDED AS I AWAIT YOUR EMAIL NOW.

THANK YOU,

JUSTICE JANET M DIFIORE

First off, what happened to spam mails that started out with, "Hello dear", instead of all the caps-lock shouting.  Chill, Jannie.  Anyway, Let's rebuild this.  The director of the Fed sent a file with my name and 4.5 million (which is why I don't deal with those cheapskates in Virginia) to a New York Judge moonlighting as the Chief Justice's notary public in Virginia.  He tells HER to sign off on cancelling my payment because I insulted him, either by or during, telling him I wasn't going to pay $250 to get it.  Poor baby.  I would have to be pretty dumb to pay him $250 to get 4.5 million when I can write to the postman in Kampala and he'll send me 9 times as much for 3/5ths the cost, but whatever.  

In the meantime, Judge Janet seems to think I'm an okay Joe and Jerome Powell is an ass, so she wants to get with me and talk me into spending the money because she's just overflowing with the milk of human kindness.

Oh, and I guess I have to rescind that earlier comment, because she did call me, "My dear."  Really means a lot coming from you.  One final thing though: If you have the "power to send it to me and nothing can stop it", then why are you fetching and catching for Powell, instead of telling him to calm his butt down, get a cup of decaf, and lower his demand to apparent market value?  If 36.5 million costs $150, then he shouldn't be asking more than, oh, about 18.50.  And that I could afford!