melted down

Well, today wasn't one of my shining moments.  Sorry, that wasn't fair to me.  I am on day two of what seems to be a stress meltdown.  It all started... well, I'm not sure.  All I know is that Wednesday was an EXTREMELY stressful day.  And Thursday morning, I found that every little thing made me want to cry.  I advised my boss and my floor boss, "Today is the day I'm finally gonna snap," and I was right.  I didn't let it out much... not to people around me, anyway.  Even made friends with our new plant manager (who starts Tuesday).  But at the end of my 9 hours I told my boss about it, and she said, "You should have said it was that bad, I'd have let you out early."  But I didn't want that.  Why on earth would I go home just because I want to cry?

Why indeed?

It's not the work per se.  A talk with my son- who is so much like me- pretty much told the tale.  We are both conscientious, dependable workers passionate about getting a job done.  Which ends up with us being put in key positions upon which most of the people in the plant depend on you.  But what is happening- and I'm not going to look at business mistakes, etc. as the cause here- is that we are at a "boy, we're swamped" point.  Less delicately, a "boy we're screwed" point.  And you can work as hard as possible and not even see the edge of the hole we're in.  Or, as I put it to the new Plant Mgr, "I can't dig us out, I can only rearrange the dirt around the hole and make it look neat."

And they realize that.  But the problem is, I think, I can't get my brain to accept it, and that it's okay.  All it sees is the hole and the shovels throwing dirt on top of me.  And they are doing something about it, but it's not working.  At Wednesday morning meeting, my boss said of our efforts, "We've added three and a half hours of cutting time (between my nine, another girl working my lunch, and a trainee working two hours after I leave), and it's not enough."  I think that was the trigger.  Three days of triple size orders, no apparent relief from the things I have been pointing out- in some cases, for months- that are slowing things down.  Hell, I begged for a new ink cartridge for my paperwork printer for a week and a half before I got one!

I took a sleeping pill Thursday night and went to bed at 8:30 yet again.  (Note:  Tuesday I missed my first new episode of Deadliest Catch in FOUR YEARS.)  I thought maybe solid, extra sleep would help.

Laurie could hear it in my voice this morning that it hadn't.  As soon as I got there, the battle began anew.  AND THINGS WEREN'T EVEN THAT BAD, relatively.  But nonetheless, it was back again, and worse.  Then at 8:10 (three hours into my Martin Saving Time shift), my floor boss came over and told me that several items- which I had proof that I had cut, and she had proof they had sewed- suddenly had no proof they shipped, were nowhere to be found, and would need recut.

And that was the end of me.  I pretty much broke down to her.  With tears hammering their way out, I told her everything, including that I felt like I was moving through mud, things that I should have been able to do in my sleep took precious seconds of thought, and my focus was on a sharp decline.  "I even tried to scan two orders at the same time!"  I laughed without feeling it.  She brought out our boss.

"Are you all right?"  She asked.

"No.  I think I've popped my cap and need to go somewhere and fizz out," I said tearing and smiling at the same time.

Moments later, I was on my way home for the weekend.

And I drove home, talking on the phone to Laurie the whole way.  Two naps, one walk, and a good talk with my son later...  I'm still moving through mud, and I still feel like Bruce Banner with the Hulk rattling around inside.  After nap #1, I read my Bible and the day's meditation from Chambers' My Utmost For His Highest.  See what he had to say today...

" 'Take no thought...' (Matt. 6:25) don't take the pressure of forethought upon yourself... Have you ever noticed what Jesus said would choke the word He puts in? The devil? No, the cares of this world...  I will not trust where I cannot see, that is where infidelity (Meaning infidelity to trusting all things to Him) begins... The great word of Jesus to His disciples is abandon. (His emphasis.)



So there you have it.  This weekend, I get to be the basket case, as I rebuild the wall between me and what I cannot do, a wall that failed me the last two days.  Hugs and prayers are appreciated.