Martin Fake News

Wow, not only does the actual news suck... for the umpteenth straight day, but even the alleged funny news blows.  In fact, only saw one story worthwhile that wasn't a "(name the animal) gets stuck in/breaks into (name the place)" story or a sexual perversion related deal.  That story comes to us from our friends in Nigeria, where almost 22,000 grade school teachers out of a  total around 33,000 in northern Kaduna State scored less than 75% on tests they themselves administered to 6-YEAR-OLDS.  Needless to say, the State Governor said he will be taking applications for the 25,000 new teaching positions he is about to create.

He might want to avoid the region's e-mail scammers, they aren't often a bright lot.  In fact, here's an example from a missive I got today explaining that I had yet again hit the European lottery.  In the e-mail address section, we find...


info@national-lottery.co.uk

To  me 

Note to "me":  Prolly don't want to address it to "me", unless you are sending it to Maisie Williams...

ANYway, since I was getting nowhere in trying to find articles to at least get a smirk from the audience, I thought I would take a page from the NBC primer- go onto a news site, lift a picture, and make up a story to go with it.  So here we go with Martin Fake News!

ITEM:  The US Senate had to break around lunch time when Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was incapacitated after eating the lemon his mother packed in his lunch.  His mom, Julia, explained that she had to pack it because "poor Mitchell so often forgets to wear his dentures and needs nourishment he can suck on..."

ITEM: 

While it may have appeared that demoted Cleveland QB Deshone Kizer was joining in the recent NFL protests, it was nothing of the sort.

 "The coach told me to take a seat on the bench," he explained, "but someone had disguised it as a wide receiver and I couldn't find it..."

Coach Hue Jackson confirmed Kizer's explanation.  "If there is one thing that kid can't find," he said, "It's a wide receiver."

ITEM:  Soccer star Neymar has just signed an endorsement contract with Downy Fabric Softener.  Here he demonstrates that, even late in the game, his kit is "April fresh."

ITEM: In an item that is actually not fake, but perhaps not news, I was searching the Moscow Times and found a click-through headline that read, "Russian drivers face bigger fines for not yielding to pedestrians".  Amusingly, when I clicked, I was greeted by THIS picture...

Now, the article BELOW said picture was definitely NOT the story about Russian drivers I was expecting.  Whether the picture went with the article I was looking for or not, I'm not sure.

ITEM:  

Moments after reading a BBC article explaining how the contestants in the Kenyan Presidential elections are comparing themselves to Biblical characters such as Joshua and Moses in an effort to capture the nation's rabid Pentecostal vote, US President Donald Trump decided to give it a go, attempting to multiply loaves and fishes for a group of news media.  Later, he sent VP Mike Pence out for Burger King.

ITEM:  Finally, Turkmenistan’s President Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov helped Vladimir Putin celebrate his birthday with a traditional Turkmen delicacy...

Putin, tried to be pleased, but later said, "I rather my puppies basted over a spit..."

"...and skinned..."