Anatomy of a spam letter

Okay, it's not so bad as all that, but I did get yet another amusing variation  of the same ol' spam e-mail, and I thought I would get away from the exciting and valuable world of politics again and dissect it like a squirmy little toad in a biology class.  So let's start with the sender...

Robert G. Morgan.  Now, you know and I know he's not the one who sent it, but who is Robert G Morgan?  Well, there was no one you might deem famous, but I did get a hit on LinkedIn-

Lecturer in School of Kinesiology at Indiana University Bloomington

and I said, WTH is Kinesiology?  The answer?

Kinesiology is the scientific study of human or non-human body movement. Kinesiology addresses physiological, biomechanical, and psychological mechanisms of movement. Applications of kinesiology to human health (i.e., human kinesiology) include biomechanics and orthopedics; strength and conditioning; sport psychology; methods of rehabilitation, such as BLAH BLAH BLAH.  I'm sure this is all interesting if you are a physical therapist or a CGI guy, but I'm hearing crickets (or maybe it's just my keyboard tray squeaking), so let's be done with harassing Robert the Movement Whisperer....

"Hey!  That's MY gig!"

...and go on.  So after posting an address that does indeed go to the UK Treasury Dept., he begins his letter...

Dear Jorge Baladi,


And of course, I am not Jorge Baladi.  I looked him up on LinkedIn as well, and found he is a "Fundamental Ensino Profissional / medium" in Brazil, which actually has to do with primary and secondary education and not fortune telling as I suspected.  I am guessing that Jorge is, however, victim #1 of an e-mail scammer who hasn't got the memo about "generalizing" the addressee.


This is to notify you that the World Bank have assigned UK TREASURY
DEPARTMENT, LONDON UK in conjunction with the Central Bank of
Nigeria,Bank of America, Barclay's Bank and Asian Development Bank to
settle all the debts owned by Africa,Europe, America, and Asia
Governments This is as a result of joint meeting held by United
Nations, World Bank, Britain, European Union and America.


So this is saying that the UN, the EU, and the US got together and said, "There's a LOT of people in the world that are owed money for one thing or another.  Let's make the UK pay it ALL!"

And so running internet numbers, I figure if we empty the UK treasury, we could pay off the debt of the US, UK, China, Russia, Germany, and the PIIGS countries.  Of course, that still leaves quite a bit of Europe and Asia and all of Africa.  But that wasn't what you had in mind, was it, Robert?


The World bank/United Nations has contracted UK TREASURY DEPARTMENT
LONDON for supervising, handling/processing of your payment with other
Contractors, Inheritance Lottery Winners and Internet Scam
Dating/Marriages. 

So it isn't PUBLIC debt, it's just those of us who have been tooken by unscrupulous contractors, inheritance scams, fake lotteries, and internet dating scams.

"So, have we been tooken?"

Apparently so, Beav, to the tune of $3.5 million! 

From our findings, you have been going through hard ways by paying
lots of charges to corrupt and faceless individuals and government
officials to release of your funds, which has been
delayed.

Hmm, sounds like the set up to a Congressional punchline, but I'll behave a moment more.  So, what do I need to do, Robert?


The only requirement we
need from you which is irrevocable is for you to obtain Financial
Service Authority Clearance certificate (FSA) which will be issued to
you by World Bank Representatives currently sitting ...


Wait, Chris, don't leave that part out!  Where are the World Bank Representatives sitting, waiting to take your call?



...in Nigeria West Africa. 


Wow.  Color me shocked.  Why "Nigeria West Africa" is well known as the financial capital of the world, just a sprightly jaunt of 4,530 miles from London!

I do want to back up at this point and ask Robert, If what I need is a Financial Service Authority Clearance certificate (4 caps), why is it a FSA and not an FSAC?  Or FSACC?  One needs to be precise with this much money- what I (or Jorge) need (s) is a FSACC from the WBR in NWA!


 You will contact their office in Nigeria and obtain your FSA
Clearance Permit and forward the copy to our office here in London for
release of your funds by Swift Wire Transfer or Cash payment in your
country in accordance with British Financial Regulation Laws.

Oh, now wait!  Is it a certificate or a permit?  Do I need a FSACC or a FSACP?  In either event, I have to contact the WBR in NWA to get a FSACC or P that I then send to the UKTD by SWT to get my cash according to BFRL.  (I wonder if I can rope in E,G,H,I,J,M,Q,V,X,Y, and Z before we're all done?)

Unfortunately one Mr. Scott Neville reported in our Office, claiming
to be your representative, because of your ill health condition,please
kindly confirm that you sent this man on your behalf..


And our most high-powered Scott Neville on LinkedIn is conveniently located in London or thereabouts...

General Manager, BidSwitch | Chief Strategy Officer, IPONWEB

Which gets us an E and an I but no more.  IPONWEB in actuality is...

Iponweb Limited provides technology, infrastructure, and intelligence solutions for companies in Internet advertising. The company engages in engineering and operation of ad exchange and real-time media trading platforms and technologies in Americas, Europe, and Asia. It offers u-Platform, a custom-built media trading technology used to customize and deliver enterprise real-time trading platforms for advertisers, DSP’s, Trading Desks, SSP’s, exchanges, and DMP’s. The company also proviBLAH BLAH BLAH and pretty much brings us back to where we started, save for the closing...



Send your reply to my private email address:
Congratulations in advance.
Robert G Morgan
Yours faithfully,


Uh, Robert, your name should go AFTER "yours faithfully"....



Oh, wait?  WHAT health condition do I have?????

And now, we ARE truly back where we started...