Newspage GO! Dumbest story edition

Today, I remove us form the world of gloating Republicans and crying news medi- er, Democrats and movie "stars", and bring you the latest variation on my Newspage GO! series.  We will go a-hunting for the dumbest thing to be found on each front page.  Realizing of course that I am writing this Monday for Tuesday release, so some settling of contents may occur.


So without further do-do, let's have the first contestant!

FoxNews:

Headline:  Perfume company boss sorry for worst fragrance title ever


Not only is this a "not-fit for front page story"- as most of Fox's output has been of late- but the story itself is even dumber.  Outside of references to animal (or human for that matter) bowel secretions, what is the flat worst thing you might name a perfume these days?


The owner of a Russian perfume company has apologized and pulled a fragrance from its shelves after coming under fire for its offensive name: “Sexual Harassment.”

Nikolay Eremin, who runs Nimere Parfums, the small firm which named and sold the scent, called the naming decision “not thought out” in an apology he penned on Instagram.


I suppose the easiest joke is, "Is 'Nimere' Russian for Nimrod?"  (Note:  How about 'it's his name spelled backwards', which is oddly appropriate.) Next would be the, 'so what exactly does THAT smell like?' No clue what that would be, although they will be re-releasing it under another name.  Early candidates, I imagine, include "Chernobyl Nights", "Eau De Cholera", and "Hitler's Ass".


CNN

Headline:  Mom of 5 donates her uterus


Mind you, I chose this because I vowed to stay away from politics- even though "What Was Mueller Thinking?" was a great set up to a punch line.  The first thought I had was, wouldn't it be a little used to be any good?  Perhaps not, but add in that this was not an ordinary 5-child family:  The first was adopted after being diagnosed with what amounts to "I don't know why, but you seem to be infertile."  Then there was an "Oops, I got pregnant", then an in-vitro attempt that sprang into twin girls, and finally yet another 'Oops, I'm pregnant'.

So basically this is an all's well that ends well story with every sort of ending imaginable.  Maybe not DUMB, but definitely a feel-good, no matter how they got there.


BBC

Headline:  Bohemian Rhapsody opens in China, minus all the gay bits


So forgive me for asking, but wouldn't that essentially be turning this:

into this?

Moscow Times


Headline:  Russian Teacher Forced to Step Down Over ‘Prostitute’ Dress


In yet another, "Let's see what they post on their private pages" case, Prim and Proper Russians (who have no problem with "Shirtless Putin" everywhere), forced a teacher to quit over the following New Year's Day pic:

Among the comments on the outfit were, “Only prostitutes dress up and take pictures with heels and a dress above the knees, and all for show! Who are you trying to lure?”, “stain on the reputation of the school” and said that her behavior encourages “pedophilia.” (from the School Director).  She was to be fired immediately, but parents who weren't all that upset with the clothing forced them to keep her.  She quit though, after her FELLOW TEACHERS made her feel like crap.

Sounds to me like the "school director" wanted something he(?) didn't get.  Either that, or she (?) and the other teachers in the school's employ formerly lifted weights for East Germany.



Japan News


Headline:   Tokyo District Court finds dual surname ban constitutional

Okay, so this is the humor equivalent of "slow news day".  But I do find it amusing, both in that they actually have a law banning married couples from not having ONE surname, and that somebody actually sued based on " emotional pain they suffered due to the law provision."  Apparently, Japanese who marry foreign nationals are exempted from this, and the court ruled that this dichotomy "does not violate the constitutional guarantee of the equality of all of the people."

In the 2015 ruling (establishing the law), the top court said that the custom of married couples using the same family name is well established in society and it is reasonable that family members use the same name.

So if it's so reasonable- why do you have the law?


Xinhua

Headline: Across China: Cloned police dog starts training

There you see the highly honored (and named something too long to type in) doggie whose genes were turned into what they hope will be another highly honored doggie, with the much easier name of Kunxun.  The Chinese believe that a cloned doggie will significantly trim the 4-to-5 year training time "and save thousands of Yuans", which makes me wonder just how cheaply they can clone a doggie- and how long it will be before they start cloning loyal proletarians...


News(dot)Com(dot)au (Australia)

Headline : Captain's Five Words That Had Us Worried

You might know about the cruise ship who had to get the guests evaced by chopper last week because both engines died on them.  This, not surprisingly, is about that.  You wanna take a guess at what those five words were?

Anybody?

"SEAL ALL WATER-TIGHT DOORS"

Yup, that would be the five...


Times Of India

Headline:  Avoid saying these 7 things to your child at the dinner table

If there is anything more annoying than News-au's fixation on the "Married At First Sight" TV show, it's the continuing stream of "ads you have to click off to see anything" on the TOI.  Still, I came down to this one and wondered what those seven phrases were- and no, Cpt. Obvious, one of them wasn't "Close all water-tight doors".

They were...

“You can have dessert if you finish your veggies”
“You are so fussy”
“Eat a few more bites of your food”
“You would not like it”
“Try this, it is good!”
“Good that you finished all your food!”
“Look at your sister, she finished her food”

Which pretty much cuts dinnertime conversation to, "How was school today?"



Deutsche Welle (Germany)

Headline: German bike helmet ads labeled stupid and sexist

And they have a point.  Observe.... keeping in mind this is a PSA from the Transport Ministry...

Now, that's (lack of) class....