Spam 101 class#4

Welcome to another round of educating the spammers in our lives.  The last few weeks, a great deal of the spam comments I've gotten start off with something like this:

Cheap Jerseys free shipping http://uxjaw.com/comment/html/?35195.html 

'Cheap jerseys', 'wholesale jerseys', 'NFL jerseys', and other variations on this theme.  They then follow with what usually becomes two different stories, neither of which make any sense.   So I guess I should start with a little basic spam etiquette:  The link nobody's ever gonna click on should come at the end, with the appropriate "Check out my link" afterwards.  Do you really think anybody other than someone dedicated to showing how stupid you are will give it two seconds otherwise?


If you can just learn that, half my job is done.  But, since exactly half of the items in my spam filter right now DO have that 'jersey link', I'm not holding out a lot of hope.

Anyway, let's look into a few of these messages- and just for the sake of anyone keeping track, I'm going to start with a "jersey" comment (skipping the link), and alternate between "jerseys" and "non jerseys".


First, let's talk to Little Eddie down at Pimlico:

I still think if you have a good horse and you are a good trainer your horse will win over the Polytrack. But trainers do have to learn how to prepare their horses for it. It seems to me that a horse needs to be very fit. Hi everyone, it's my first pay a quick visit at this site, and post is in fact fruitful for me, keep up posting such articles or reviews. 

Okay, so for you (like me) who never heard of 'Polytrack', it is an artificial horse racing track, first used in 2007.  However, I don't think- as Eddie apparently does- that the horse races against the polytrack.  I think Eddie might have wanted to mention that it was his first visit, etc, at the beginning, ,before he started to give out fruitful horse racing tips on a post that, of course, had nothing to do with horse racing.  Or cheap jerseys from China.


Next up, here's Barack the community organizer:

Hey! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a group of volunteers and starting a new project in a community in the same niche. Your blog provided us valuable information to work on. You have done a extraordinary job! 

This would be one of 3 comments that began with an excited, "Hey,"- the other two were the standard, "do you know of any widgets I can add to my webpage" comments that make you wonder how many bloggers out there DON'T know how to add widgets.  On this one, Barry, I have to admit I'm not sure whether my post was "in the same niche" or my community is.  As it was a Time Machine post, I figure either you are starting a rock band or a Marty McFly fan club.  You might want to be more specific.  Remember, the more specific you are, the more laughs I can get from you.


Next up, The Music Man from LA had this to add to his jersey link:

 The video is in support of Kelly's debut solo album, Time Bomb, Baby () which releases on Oct. 13 with a fall tour to support. The album is currently available for pre order HERE. you are in reality a good webmaster. The web site loading pace is incredible. It kind of feels that you are doing any distinctive trick. Moreover, The contents are masterwork. you've done a great activity on this subject! 


Despite the fact it wasn't, this would have been a good one to land on a Time Machine post.  Kelly, as it turns, is Sean Kelly, and his lp is available from mpress records, which means YOU GUYS ARE LOADED WITH BOTS!  Anyway, a couple of technical things here, music guy:  First, if you're gonna use parentheses, put something IN them.  2, if you're going to put "HERE" in all caps, it might be wise to actually put a link THERE.  Then maybe you can do a great activity like I did.


General Malaise sends this one from Camp Benin, mentioning:

I like this web site very much, Its a real nice billet to read and find info.


Billet:  n. a place, usually a civilian's house or other nonmilitary facility, where soldiers are lodged temporarily.

I just can't get anything done with all these darn soldiers milling about my blog.  Can't you guys go fight a war or something?


Bankruptcy attorneys Dewey Cheatam and Howe bring up our next "jersey" comment:

The Chapter 7 petition includes all debts on the date of the filing. Any new debt incurred after the petition is filed will not be discharged with the petition. This piece of writing is really a fastidious one it assists new internet people, who are wishing in favor of blogging. 

So I finally thought, "Let's go get a definition of fastidious", which I didn't think I was.  But apparently, besides being a cleaning nut, fastidious can also mean that you have an attention to detail, so I guess I have to let that one slide a bit.  However, anyone who is out there incurring more debt during their Chapter 7 filing likely has more problems to tackle than "wishing in favor of blogging."

Joe from Sunnyvale, CA, doesn't think much of my Newspage Go!  posts:

I believe everything published was actually very logical. But, consider this, what if you composed a catchier post title? I am not saying your content is not good, however what if you added a post title that grabbed people's attention? I mean "Newspage Go!" is a little vanilla. You should peek at Yahoo's home page and see how they create article titles to get viewers to open the links. You might add a video or a picture or two to grab people interested about what you've got to say. Just my opinion, it might bring your posts a little bit more interesting. 


Now, I'll have you know Bobby G worked his butt off on that logo (Just look at the man, he has no butt!), and I think that should be catchy enough.  Can I help it that the topical nature of the Pokemon game I stole it from has run it's course?  Unlike Pokemon and Yahoo, I endure forever!  And besides which, there were SIX pictures on that post, besides the logo!

Ahem.  Next up on the jersey side, Chris Matthews from NYC had a bit of a salty beginning to his tale...


 While Mnuchin is literally in China trying to work shit out, Trump will do his Trump thing and send probably the worst possible tweet he could send under the circumstances regarding Chinese trade. Yesterday, while I was at work, my cousin stole my iphone and tested to see if it can survive a twenty five foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now broken and she has 83 views. I know this is totally off topic but I had to share it with someone! 

We will ignore Chris Matthews' idiot cousin, since she and many like her have dropped by to point out their stupidity before.  As for Trump, well, how is that a surprise?  Maybe he tweeted the Pooh picture...

And as for Mnuchin, I can only suggest you can catch more Chinese with honey than $#!t.  Flies, though, you're good.


Here's Sam from... ah, who knows, but he definitely proves one of my points:

I am glad to be a visitant of this everlasting web site, thank you for this rare info!

See, everlasting!  I told you, I endure forever!  I did have to see if 'visitant is indeed a word, and indeed it is.  I just hope Sam's the part about "paying a visit" and not the part about "a supernatural apparition"!

All right, let me close this up with Paul from Toronto...

Had that gift, even as an 18 year old captain in junior. Years later, Maurice would become one of the youngest head coaches the NHL had ever seen. Magnificent beat ! I wish to apprentice whilst you amend your website, how could i subscribe for a weblog web site? The account aided me a acceptable deal. I have been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered brilliant clear idea 

Well, if you are trying to say that you want to apprentice with me to help you with "brilliant clear idea", you should know that I think it's already too late for you....