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And now.... Bill Haley and his Comets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BH: Thank you, thank you, everyone, and welcome to Time Machine's Christmas with Bill Haley- a concept born the last time I was a guest here, back in the late summer, I believe! And today I have a wonderful present for everyone, the unstoppable, 9th annual, Time Machine Beauty Contest! And now, to tell us all about it, our Grand maestro, are Poobah of Probability, Chris Martin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Applause dies off, crowd gets quiet)
Um, yes, thanks everyone, and thank you, Bill, I'm so glad you 'consented' to do this with us...
Why the quotes around "consented", bud?
Because our lawyer informs me I need to make clear up front that all guest appearances, including his own, are strictly fictitious. Anyhow, welcome to our little Christmas party, and as Bill told you, we'll be getting into this year's Beauty contest shortly! Of course, the last 8 years, Scrappy has made the actual pick, but he isn't here any longer to do that. But I considered and figured that he would want the show to go on. That means, I needed a celebrity draw-er who would work for doggie treats, and here he is, Wayne Newton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WN: Thank you! Than... hey, waitaminit! I'm working for DOGGIE TREATS???!!!??
Oh, come on, you know I'm kidding. Anyway, out of a field that ran from (supposedly) 153 year-old Asmar Salakhova to 22 and 25 year old Lily and Madeline- 77 total contestants- I have personally selected a class of 7 to see who will reign over 2020! But first, a little history, as usual. The first time I did this, I took all the ladies who'd ever hit #1 on the charts and picked out a group from which I selected Brandy (even though to this day I've never heard a song of hers, just sayin'). After that, it was Scrappy who would select every year, using a wide variety of treats to aid in that selection. His picks over the last seven years:
Patti Boyd
Tina Louise
Linda Ronstadt
Natalie Imbruglia
Jane Birkin
Justine Brown
and Dorothy Martin
This year, I picked seven finalists, and Bill, howsabout introducing some of 'em?
BH: I'll be delighted, you betcha! Our first contestant came into the public eye playing on The Pheasant Family...
Damnit, Nardole, didn't you fix that card? That should be, "The Partridge Family", Bill...
Ah, all right, anyway, here is the lovely Miss Susan Dey!!!!!!!!!!!
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| "Thanks, Bill, and I think Pheasant might have been better..." |
BH: Anything but 'Peacock', considering your network, eh? Next up, this lady slammed into the M10 with a number one called Stranger Places, but I don't see her being strange at all! Here's Joy Downer!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Thanks, Mr Haley! I'd say the same about you... but I kinda like you strange... |
They don't come any stranger, honey! Next, I'm not sure here whether she's going by married name, Danoff, or maiden name Nivert, but from the Starland Vocal Band, here's Taffy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| You can just call me Taffy, Bill... |
An' you can call me anytime! Let's knock out one more before we move on. Chris, here, you take the wheel while I get with the boys for our next number!
No prob, Bill! Our fourth contestant just had the M10 #1 a couple of weeks ago, here's Brooke Annibale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Thank you... but could you talk to the little guy in the tux? He's starting to creep me out... |
No problem, I'll just go have a chat with Mr Newton while you all enjoy Bill Haley and his Comets!!!!!!
Nice, Bill! First time I heard you'r version...
BH: Well, thanks to Brenda Lee, I get that a lot... say, uh, she's not in the contest, is she?
Not this year, Bill, you're safe. So I happened to be bopping around the webs a bit ago, and I found a list from ASCAP...
Hey, can you say that over the air?
It's the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers, Bill, you know that! Anyway, they have a list of their top selling Christmas songs, irrespective of who recorded them...
You don't say...
Yep, and that song you guys just did placed 4th! How about you let us in on the rest of the list?
All righty! So, #10 was Sleigh Ride... nine was Let It Snow Let It Snow Let It Snow...
Never a favorite of mine...
Number eight would be Jingle Bell Rock; seven is Last Christmas... have to say I don't know that one...
It came after your time. Lucky you.
Oh, right, the time thing. Six was Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer; five went to It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year. Four, like you says, is Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree; Three is A Holly Jolly Christmas. Number two goes to It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas...
And number one....
Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm surprised you knew Mariah Carey...
Well, I didn't spend ALL of my prep time in the green room...
All righty, then! How about you knock out these last three contestants, while I check on our next guest...
Got it, Daddio! This next lady goes by the threatening moniker of Springtime Carnivore, but in real life, she's the beautiful Greta Morgan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| I HOPE I don't threaten you, Bill... |
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| Thanks, dude... got any weed? |
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| Thank you, Bill! |
Yes, I am! So figuring that most people consider White Christmas the biggest Christmas song of all time- which is surprising that it only finished 13th on ASCAP- I looked into it, and found that of the 12 times it charted- three of those at #1- it NEVER charted in the Martin Era 2.0! The last year it charted on the MAIN Billboard charts was 1954. So the biggest charting song in the M10 era, I believe, was this next tune. Please help me welcome, Mr Nat King Cole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Nat's song there made 11th on the ASCAP list, Bill.
I wonder how they didn't get any higher?
Probably because they were mostly the one person recording, where a lot of the others have been recorded by a lot of people. Of course, you can explain George Michael and Mariah Carey by the internet...
You can explain Mariah because of her...
BILL!!!!!!!
Oh, yeah, right, Christmas. Sorry. Say, what's next in this little extravaganza?
Next is, it's that time- time for Wayne Newton to come out and let us in who our winner of the Beauty Contest is! WAYNE!
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| Here I am! |
Well, maybe if my son was running this show, but no. What we are going to do is...
Do I get to see them in bikinis? Or lingerie?
BH: You wish, Sam!
IF you'll let me finish: We will shuffle a deck of cards. You will cut said deck until you get an Ace, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7. When you do, you will hand it to me without revealing it to me. I have a list of our contestants, I will match the card to the name on the list, and you get to read the answer. Got it?
WN: Can I at least have the Coors Light?
Elvis doesn't allow alcohol on board, especially after the Rodney Dangerfield incident. Here, cut the cards...
WN: All right... no.... no.... ah, here we go! Here's the card!
Okay, let me match it to the list... Yes! That's who I was rooting for! Here, Wayne....
WN: Ladies and Gentlemen... say, do I get to sing, "There She Is"?
NO.
WN: Man, you're no fun! The winner of the 9th annual Time machine Beauty Contest is...
.................BROOKE ANNIBALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do I get to give her flowers and a kiss?
You're lucky she wasn't sicced Bellbottom on you yet! Back to you, Bill!
BH: All right, time to close this great show with a great number by a cast member the show wouldn't be the same without. Take us out, Elvis Presley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Everybody, I hope you enjoyed our show, and have a great Christmas next week! I'd like to thank all the lovely ladies, Bill and Wayne, Nat and Elvis- you're the king, buddy! Special thanks for Laurie, who was "Wayne's hands" tonight- except when he was trying to grope the contestants, that was him- and to all of you I may have offended with my characterizations, just keep in mind this is an imaginary Time Machine, so I prolly just got an imaginary alternate-universe version of you. God Bless Ye every one!
He is one bill I like just saying
ReplyDeleteMe, too!
DeleteHi, Chris!
ReplyDeleteI'm here with bells on, good buddy, but otherwise nekked. Forgive me for arriving so late. On Friday and Saturday, Mrs. Shady and I did the DIY thing and moved tons of our belongings across the state in a 17-foot U-Haul. Now age 70, older but no wiser, I toiled beyond reason. We arrived home yesterday but I was so exhausted that I needed a nap and wound up going to bed early, electing to sleep on your TM post. I hope I didn't get it wrinkled.
You might remember me telling you years ago that my earliest exposure to rock 'n' roll and rhythm and blues was listening to records brought into our home by my parents and my big brother. Many of my parents' records were those of white singers covering the hits of black artists. They included The Crew Cuts, Georgia Gibbs, The Fontane Sisters, Pat Boone and Bill Haley. My brother typically bought the originals by black artists such as Little Richard and Fats Domino. Looking back, the combination of originals and covers gave me a well rounded early education about pop music.
I well remember this cover of the Big Joe Turner single "Shake, Rattle And Roll" by Bill Haley And His Comets. I can still see the black and white Decca label spinning on my tiny tinny turntable in the basement. The cover recordings of some artists are bland and lame, but I admired Bill Haley because he and his band performed zestful covers that have stood the test of time as classics in their own right.
It made me smile to have Bill Haley himself introduce you as emcee of this edition of Time Machine and I could hear the cheers and applause continuing unabated for a full five minutes. :)
I was wondering how on earth your annual Beauty Contest could continue without Scrappy to pick the wiener. It's a hoot that you selected Wayne Newton to do the honors. (I might have gone with Bert Parks. :) Hey, if you didn't happen to see it, please check out my recent Wayne's World post:
https://tctgyb.blogspot.com/2019/11/viva-lost-wages-time-to-schwing-along.html
I applaud the bevy of beauties in this year's BC playoff. Coincidentally, I have been watching The Partridge Family over the last few weeks because it is a favorite show of Mrs. Shady's brother, a 61 year old retarded man who is staying with us over the holidays. He is also binge watching Gilligan's Island and actress/recording artist Tina Louise is speaking her lines as I write this comment.
(Please proceed directly to next comment form. I ran out of space on this one.)
(Shady's comment, Part 2)
ReplyDeleteThis is also the first time I am hearing Bill H's version of "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree." The only problem I have with Bill is that his recordings are derivative. They all tend to sound the same. I think he needs to follow Pat Boone's lead and record an album "In a Metal Mood."
You aren't missing much, Bill, because "Last Christmas," originally by Wham!, is probably my least favorite holiday song because it is overexposed. Many artists have covered it in recent years and I'm tired of hearing it. It is also the title song of a new 2019 film. I also lament the fact that a 1994 Mariah Carey song leapfrogged over all the traditional holiday songs to take the #1 spot. I was surprised to learn that my favorite, "The Christmas Song" aka "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire," missed the top 10. It was wonderful to see and hear it performed by Nat Cole.
Springtime Carnivore is a cutie, but I support Wayne's choice of Pittsburgh based contemporary folk singer Brooke Annibale as this year's BC winner. I watched a couple of her of her videos and fell in love with her pure, haunting voice.
The closing number by Elvis is simply beautiful. I don't think I ever heard it before but now, thanks to you, it is a new holiday favorite.
Thanks so much, Chris, for inviting me back to experience this year's Time Machine Beauty Contest. I had a great time. I hope you noticed that I didn't lobby for Granny Clampett to be included in this year's competition. No Granny Clampett jokes. In fact, I decided that I am not even going to mention Granny Clampett. Therefore, for the first time ever, my comment shall remain Granny Clampettless. So please put Granny Clampett completely out of your mind, because I have.
Merry Christmas to you, good buddy Chris, and to Laurie and Misty. I wish you all the best in the coming year!
I am so glad you survived the move part one and enjoyed the party!
DeleteThe thought of opening with SR&R was what convinced me to do this this way. I knew Bill would be a rockin' host! Wayne was a frequent flyer here for a while- even had a "songs on the chart at the same time" contest with Elvis which the King narrowly won- but he hadn't been around for a while. Kinda missed the little perv!
I have to say, Mrs Shady's brother and I share TV tastes...
I share YOUR opinion on Christmas songs. "You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch" was like 17th this year! My old favorite- Jimmy Dean doing Little Sandy Sleighfoot- is too obscure for the list.
My first exposure to Brooke was a few years back with her single Remind Me. I also posted her O Come O Come Emmanuel over Thanksgiving. And Collided (Piano Version) just tied this week for the years top spot on my M10. (Did you know that when you dyslexic 'piano' into 'paino' and use the correct feature, it wants to change it to 'Pacino'?)
I did know the Elvis song before, but that 'King's Court' did an awesome job on the video! It hit exactly what I wanted, and Elvis deserved an awesome moment with all the grief I give him most weeks!
Believe me, I think I woulda took Granny over Asmar Salakhova, but it would be a near thing...
Thank you for the comments both here and on the Misty announcement. We just got back from a slightly less strenuous walk and it's almost time for Church. It wouldn't be the Beauty Comment or Christmas without you!