They found me...

...but, of course I was never lost.  That is, my personal retinue of scammers submitting their attempts for my advice.  Let's take a look at this weeks crop.  #1...

Us ambassador office (First of all, you might want to make it US, not "Us."
11 Garki Road Lagos
Lagos, Nigeria.
+234-8036810298.

Dear Beneficiary,

FROM THE US AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA. (Maccaulley Terence),(Next, don't put your name in parentheses!)
`
Be informed that I have resolved with the Nigeria Foreign Remittance Department to deliver the sum of us$5.5m being the accrued interest from your contract/inheritance fund. I shall be coming to your Country for an official meeting by next week and I will be bringing your consignment containing the fund which has been packaged and sealed in your favor but this time I will not go through Customs because as a USA Ambassador to Nigeria, I am a US Government Agent and have the veto power to go through Customs. (Wow! Veto power!  Do you wear a cape?) I am scheduled to have a brief meeting with the Secretary of States by next week.

Send your mobile cell phone number and the address where you want me to bring the consignment/fund package. You have really paid so much as I was made to understand and that is why I have personally intervened. Your package (US$5.5m} must be registered as an Ambassadorial package for me to defeat all odds (Ta da da... It's SCAMMAN, with his amazing Veto Power!)and the cost of registering it is $175.00 only.

The fee must be paid in the next 50 hours via western union (insert blah blah blah, please hurry and send info, blah blah)

Treat as urgent,
Maccaulley Terence

Okay, two tips here.  #1, you are sending a scam, not fighting Dr. Doom. Tone down the heroic efforts.  Two, your name should be in FRONT of your title, not in parentheses behind it.


Okay, contestant #2.
ECONOMIC COMMUNITY FOR WEST AFRICAN STATES
Official HeadQuaters,
101, Yakubu Gowon Crescent,
Asokoro District P.M.B. 401 Abuja, Nigeriahttp://www.ecowas.int  (Nice touch, giving a legit link to someone who really has nothing to do with you. )
Tel: +2348130 989982

Dear Winner,

This is to inform you that you have won a prize money of One Million
United States Dollars, ($1,000,000.00) for the year 2011 Lottery
promotion which is organized by ECOWAS DONATIONS 2011.(Okay, Here we have to believe that a West African economic group is actually holding a lottery.  Bit of a stretch, but okay.)
ECOWAS DONATIONS 2011, collects all the email addresses of people that
are active online, among the millions that subscribed to the Internet.we
only select five people every Year as our winners through electronic
balloting System without the winner applying,We congratulate you for being
one of the people selected. (And how does it help the West African economy to give 5 mil a year to unknowing strangers?  WELL?)

To file for your claims (insert blah blah contact info etc.)

Thank you and Accept my hearty Congratulations once again!
Yours faithfully,
Mr.Peters Brown
Tel: +2348130989982

**KHN Confidentiality Notice**
This message and the accompanying document or attachments may contain information which is privileged and/or confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you may not review, discuss, disclose, copy, or distribute the contents of this message.

If you have received this information in error, please immediately contact the Kettering Health Network representative whose number is listed on the message and destroy all evidence of this correspondence.
Kettering Health Network???  WTF does a health network ourt of Dayton OH have to do with the ECOWAS?  Next time, make sure the computer you are siphoning through doesn't add closing comments.  So much promise wasted.  Okay, #3:

Good-Day,

My name is Mr.Kenneth Danquah , a politician and a previous member of Ghana's executive committee on contract awards.

My purpose of connecting you is to crave your indulgence to assist me in securing some funds abroad for safe keeping which I incidentally kept to help me finance my senatorial elections campaign under the party umbrella of National Patriotic Party (NPP) on December 7th 2008, Unfortunately for me I lost the seat to my opposition member under the party of National Democratic Congress (NDC).

But with my immediate contact, I was able to deposit some kickback money emanated from award of contracts awarded to Chinese and Malaysia companies in a security vault with a commercial bank in Ghana pending when I will found a trustworthy person to move out the fund from Ghana to oversea bank account for business investment. (Wow, basically "I am a crooked politician.  Please help me get some of my ill-gotten gains out of country before I'm found out and become goat pellets.  I like this guy!)

The need to contact you arose from the fact that the present elected government vow to crack down on past immediate government functionaries of (NPP) and trying to trace all the funds that was made through contract awards and other mouth watering deals during our tenure in the office from the year 2000 to 2008, if they succeed in tracing this fund to me, they will seize it and thereby incapacitating my life time opportunities.

I wish to relocate this fund in a foreigner's name to avoid any trace. All I need from you is an assurance that you can handle the amount involved (US$19,500,000) comfortably and that I can also trust you.

Be fully rest assured that there is no risk involved. (Oh, of course not.) I want you to immediately inform me of your willingness in assisting and co-operating with me, so that I can send you full details of this transaction.

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Kenneth Danquah

To take action on this issue, click on the link below:http://www2.peta.org/site/Advocacy?s_oo=113HdGWokBWY_JzOuLWctQ&id=3811
If the text above does not appear as a link or it wraps across multiple lines, then copy and paste it into the address area of your browser.

If you no longer wish to receive email messages sent from your friends on behalf of this organization, please follow the link below:http://www2.peta.org/site/TellFriendOpt?action=optout&toe=ea2a99191ca1c91c9f02a51d26653840a6df0ba77c4a89a7

First it's KHN, now PETA?  This is too funny.  Save that spotted owl or we'll sic scammers on you.  Okay, contestant #4:


FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF BENIN/>MINISTRY OF FINANCEECONOMIC AND DEBT REFORM DEPARTMENT.
WORLD BANK READ, COTONOU , BENIN REPUBLIC (Civil Procedure)(F.H.C.B)         
( ARRANGEMENT)  Attention beneficiary.  (Man, is Benin nothing but one big collection of economic groups?)Why have you decided to abandon your fund by refusing to pay the $85 dollars for the renewal of your transfer file,(This is a question, not a comma!) Be rest assure that as soon you send the $85.00usd they must start transferring of your fund through Western Union within 2hrs after confirmation of the fee without any further delay and this is the only fee you have to pay in this transaction as it was written down already by the Federal government of this country that mapped out the compensation for you ok. (Blah blah, send info etc.)

FROM THE CHIEF JUDGE FEDERAL HIGH COURT OF BENIN
  So now, it's my fault I'm not rich, because I didn't send you $85 I didn't know about?  You catch more flies with honey, pal.
Contestant #5:
Good day!

How are you today together with your family,i thank God almighty for his infinity mercy upon my life for latter making this business to work out sucessfull. (Too bad God's "infinity mercy" didn't come with a better Yoruba to English translater.)

I'm happy to inform you about my success in getting the funds transferred under the cooperation of the new partner from LUXMBURG, Presently iam in LUXMBURG for investment projects with my own share.  (Or spell check, for that matter.)

meanwhile,i didn't forget your past efforts(?) and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how. (probably because it never happened.)

Out of my sincere heart(?) i have deceided to show gratitude to you and i have signed a cheque on your behalf for your compensation,now contact my secretary in Ouaga, Burkina-Faso, his name is Mr. Arahad Gad and his email address is (arahadgaad11@yahoo.com) and ask him to send you the cheque worth $800,000 Usd which i kept for your compensation for all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in this matter and instruct him where to send the amount to you.I appreciated your efforts to assist that time despite that you later disappointed me.(Darn, what an ass I am!  Again, you have to keep positive to your customer/victim.  This is a bad check, as the cheese says.)

So feel free and get intouch with my secretary Mr.Arahad Gad Please do let me know immediately you receive it so that we can share the joy together(!) after all the sufferness(?) at that time.

In the moment, i am very busy here because of the investment projects which i and the new partner are having at hand, finally, remember that I had forwarded instructions to my secretary on your behalf to receive that money, so feel free to get in touch with Mr.Arahad Gad and he will send the cheque to you.

Regards,
Mr.Dubey sudian
"Sufferness"?  I may have to use that one!  I do like that part about sharing the joy- too bad you srtupidly ruined it by telling me I disappointed you.  Okay, last contestant:

Good News For Your Atm Card This office is writing to inform you about the payment of us$2.5million dollars been approved in your name from World Bank Award Payment Program 2011, after the verification of your payment inheritance fund in our custody, we confirm that the federal united state of America and ECONOMIC COMMUNITY OF WEST AFRICAN STATES (ECOwAS) has been asigned in agreement with World Bank to distribute all your payment to you in ATM visa card pacific which you should use to withdraw all your fund in any ATM service machine working in any bank in your country. But the maximum amount you will withdraw in a day is ($5000 dollars) till you cash all your fund credit in your ATM account. so if you would like to receive your total fund in new ATM visa Card, please let us know by contacting the ATM payment department with below address information.
Best Regard.
Mr Innocent Yaro.
(Board Members of ATM payment department)
Boy, that ECOWAS really gets around.  And they just want to send me a visa card, right?  As if that isn't a big red flag in and of itself.

So let's grade this out.  Macauley Terrance, AKA Scamman, you get a A for grammar, D for message.
ECOWAS #1,  Credibility score is a D, revealing your bot-computer draws an F.  Kenneth Danquah, for the use of the "Crooked Politician" persona and using a PETA computer to send it, 2 A+s!  Chief Justice of Benin, you were rude and not very interesting.  F's all around.  Dubey Sudian, D for not upgrading your translator, D for being disappointed in me, and  B- for everything else.  And ECOWAS #2, this wasn't the laziest effort I've ever seen, but certainly lazy.  D-.  Overall, I'm disappointed in you all.  Take a lesson from Kenneth Danquah- be interesting, be clever, be informative, be polite, and stick it to PETA!