Martin World News

Today was not a good day.  A Murphy's Law kind of day in which I was shot in the foot in every direction, including straight down (AKA by mine own hand).  Rather than recount all the ways of disaster, let me just say that as I clocked out, my statement, "They could have paid someone an eight-hour day figuring out all the s#!t that befell us today!" received widespread agreement.  But now I'm fed and showered, and though I have had deep reservations throughout the day about actively celebrating the rampant stupidity of mankind- having been disheartened by so much of it today- I looked over my cache of stories and said, "Someone out there needs a good laugh."  So here are some of mine.

ITEM:  That explains a lot, volume one:  A study based on research at the medical school at Mount Sinai finds that cooking meat via the oven, frying pan, or grill can create chemicals that increase the risk of developing dementia.  These chemicals, known ironically as AGEs, occur when fats or proteins and sugars interact.  Mice fed a high AGE diet seem to be... well, dumber than other mice.

Before you panic over Laurie eating that Mega Monster burger yesterday ( or the two DQ double cheeseburgers I just wolfed down), the caveat is thus:

A short-term analysis of people over 60 suggested a link between high levels of AGEs in the blood and cognitive decline.


Thus, we have another 8 years and change before it starts taking a toll on us- right about when I would have lost my marbles anyway.

ITEM:  That explains a lot, volume two:  Yet another lovely story of global warming (cough, cough)-

A co-founder of Greenpeace told lawmakers there is no evidence man is contributing to climate change, and said he left the group when it became more interested in politics than the environment.
Patrick Moore, a Canadian ecologist and business consultant who was a member of Greenpeace from 1971-86, told members of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee environmental groups like the one he helped establish use faulty computer models and scare tactics in promoting claims man-made gases are heating up the planet.
“There is no scientific proof that human emissions of carbon dioxide (CO2) are the dominant cause of the minor warming of the Earth’s atmosphere over the past 100 years,” he said.


You've heard me say it; now you've heard one of THEM say it.  How's that ice down in Atlanta and Dallas now, eh?

ITEM: That explains a lot, volume three:  We've all heard that science is verified by extensive peer review protocols.  If you see it in a scientific journal, it MUST be true, right?  Ummmmmm... guess again:

Some 120 papers published in established scientific journals over the last few years have been found to be frauds, created by nothing more than an automated word generator that puts random, fancy-sounding words together in plausible sentence structures. As a result they have been pulled from the journals that originally published them.

Computer science expert Cyril Labbe of France's Joseph Fourier University has made it his life's work to track down such misdeeds.  He says that there is a lot of pressure on scientists to publish reams of material- for tenure, grants, etc.  He says this has resulted in sliding standards in the scientific community.  HOWEVER...

But he has no explanation as to why the journals published meaningless papers.
"They all should have been evaluated by a peer-review process. I've no explanation for them being here. I guess each of them needs an investigation," he said.
The publishers also could not explain it, admitting that the papers “are all nonsense.”

So all that stuff I read... and I made that movie, and... oooh, crap.

ITEM:  I'll bet you've been dying to find a home where you can spend more of your filthy, ill-gotten wealth on just surviving.  But where can you do it most effectively?  According to the Economist Intelligence Unit, a division of The Economist magazine, here are the most expensive cities in the world to live in:

1. Singapore.  Maybe that's why they want to pack 'em in there- to spread out the per capita?

2. Paris.  After all, when you are the President of France ( or premier, whichever it was), and you have to support a mistress... and a mistress to the mistress... and another mistress that neither one knows about... and an ex-mistress... and so on...

3. Oslo, Norway.  Really?  Are the heating bills THAT high?

4.  Zurich.  Why else would Oprah shop for purses there?

5.  Sydney, Australia.  Why, the cost of whitewashing the Sydney Opera House alone put it into the top ten.

ITEM:  The Moscow Times just published a list of the city's biggest problems.  Some of them should sound familiar to Americans (at least, to those who know the difference between a "problem" and a "voter demographic."  To wit:

1. The number of migrant laborers from the Caucasus and Central Asia. (ahem...)
2. Rising utility bills.
3. Traffic jams.
4. High prices for the basics.
5. Low wages.
6. High rents ($700 to $1000 a month for a one-room apartment).
7. Growing drug and alcohol addiction. (In the meantime, we open pot shops.)
8. Shortage of doctors and poor treatment.  (Hang in there, we'll be right there soon.)
9. New home building going more for the rich or well to do (97%) than for the poor (3%)
10. Poor roads.  (Here, we call it planned obsolescence.  That way we can work on Dupont Road and I-469 8 months out of EVERY year.)
11. Widening gap between the rich and poor (ahem...).
12. Homeless people and panhandlers.  Especially the ones that stand at the entrance of Wal-Mart with white pants and new shoes that somehow stay immaculately clean despite their homelessness.
13. Car exhaust fumes.
14. Poor condition of public utilities.  Makes you wonder about those high utility bills, donnit?
15. Lack of parking.  So you have to drive around more, and get more exhaust fumes.  And wear the rods out.  Heck with it, just pull in at the liquor store for a pint.

ITEM:  Finally, following Si Robertson from Duck Dynasty on Twitter can lead to some interesting web pages- including one on "some of America's dumbest laws."  Here are some real winners:

-In Kaysville Utah, it is illegal to detonate a nuclear weapon.  Probably a lot of need for that in the sprawling metropolis of 27,000.

- In Louisville, KY, it's illegal to walk down the street with an ice cream cone in your back pocket.  And why, pray tell... oh.  Kentucky.

- In Atlanta, you must keep your pubic hair trimmed under six inches.  I'll bet enforcement is a popular job.

- In Oklahoma, you cannot keep a sleeping donkey in your bathtub after 7 PM.  That way, the ones that are awake can have a bath, too.

- In Texas, you may be charged with a felony for possessing more than 6 dildos.  Overkill, much?

- In Idaho Falls, Idaho, it is illegal for a 90-year-old man to ride a motorcycle.  Isn't AARP doing something about this?

- In Crown Point, Indiana, it is against the law to carry a dog in your purse if you are wearing shoes while walking across grass.  I dare you to explain that one.

- And Si's favorite, it's illegal to fish for whales in Ohio on Sunday.  Damn shame, I hear the whale fishing is pretty good up by Sandusky.