"16 Rules of Modern Dining"

 That was the title of an article I looked at on The Guardian (a UK tabloid), with 16 topics voted on by a panel including an internet restaurant reviewer, a food writer (I'm guessing that the difference is someone is paying the second guy a salary of some sort), two members of levels of management in the restaurant industry, and a consultant.  I'm going to give my opinion on the questions, and then see if I can figure out what THEY said.

A hyped restaurant is walk-ins only, no bookings. Are you prepared to queue?

I've never reserved a table in my life.  If the line's too long, I go elsewhere.  Eventually, you'll hit a day where the line isn't from here to starvation.  The panel split.  No one likes to wait, but most of them will do it.  Only the consultant said, "Under no circumstances."  

Dogs allowed in the dining room?

Seriously?  This had better be a service pooch.  Misty's bad enough on the patio- and she's not all that bad!

"Do you see me acting up?"

The Panel voted 3-2 with one vote split- yes for terraces and bars, no for the dining room.  And we need a doggie in the bar why?

Are booking deposits and charges for no-shows acceptable?

If you're a restaurant that does a lot of call-ahead business, I'd say it's a damn good idea.  Back on Christmas Day in Malmo, Sweden, a party of 35 took off without paying an estimated $8,000 tab.  Cops were hoping to let the Restaurant figure it out, but a city prosecutor told them to stop being so lazy and investigate.  More than enough reason for me.  Panel was unanimous with me.

You want to take a birthday cake to a restaurant. Is a ‘cakeage’ charge justifiable?

I'm guessing the charge for this would be significant

So you wanna BYO, not buy dessert from the restaurant your parking at, and let them clean up?  You wanna bring your own cake, have the shindig catered at your home, lazy-pants!  5-0 with me, and the internet guru unable to make up his pea brain.

Would you support restaurants banning phones in the dining room?

You gonna bring me a magazine while I wait? If not, then leave my phone alone, Jack.  5-1, with a wishy washy negative from the panelist who co-owns a restaurant.  "If someone big enough did it, I'd jump the bandwagon."

Are dress codes acceptable?

The fanciest Restaurant I ever went to (that wasn't someone's occasion) was a place with a waiter in black tie and a wine list, and my ex and I went in with shirts and shorts, covered in sand from a nearby playground.  Why they let us in, I've no idea, other than it was a Sunday night and they were bored.  A high end place, I should think has every right to expect one to tidy up a bit.  The panel were 4-2 against, with the co-founder of a London vegan place saying he didn't "have anything smart" to wear.

Time-limited table sittings of, say, 90 minutes?

I don't want a clock.  Of course, I'm not one for sitting there ordering drinks until the busboy runs me, either.  Panel is 5-1 in favor.  Frankly, in 90 minutes I should be home and making room for a nap by then.

Should adults be allowed to eat from the children’s menu?

Sure.  But they must accept crayons and color while they wait.  Panel says 5-1.

You can’t find a website, a menu or prices online for that hip new restaurant. Are you fine with that?

As long as they're fine with me not patronizing them.  I don't even like the places that think their food is too expensive to put prices on the online menu.  Panel is 6-0 with me.

Is it OK for coffee shops that serve brunch to ban laptops at weekends?

Now, they've ventured into I-don't-care-land.  My only thing is, if'n you're gonna advertise like these are the kinda people you want showing up, you shouldn't whine when they show up.  5-0 with the consultant pleading the 5th.

There is no salt and pepper on the table. Does that annoy you?

No, but you'd best have the damn ketchup out!  Panel's 6-0 with me, opining that at a fancy restaurant, you should be able to expect the chef to season the slop.

Is it acceptable for restaurants to charge for sauces and condiments?

Sauces, I can see an upcharge.  Condiments?  Like, "Here's your ketchup, that will be an extra 50 cents"? That would be, "Here's your meal back, so sorry for the inconvenience."  4-2 it's okay, but not real smart unless it's a 5-star sauce.

Is it OK to ask a chef to change a dish because you dislike an ingredient?

Not, "Could you leave off the onion slice," but, "Could you add some cinnamon to this gravy to make it really hop?".  Just order something else, okay?  Panel surprised me with a 6-0 on "It's okay to ask", as long as you are fine with being told to go jump in the lake.

You’ve ordered wine. Should the bottle be left within reach so you can serve yourself, or parked six metres away?

I don't need Jeeves hovering off to the side.  "Just get me a draft, and when you see it almost gone, fetch another."  However, I can see where the fancy amongst us would like being served like a king.  Panel was 5- for, "I bought it, I'll pour it."

Should restaurants turn the music down?

What comes to mind here was a place we went (which I dissected on an earlier post) where the main dining area where we were was playing Alt, very softly, while the unoccupied gaming room across the way was playing swing and big band, and louder than the alt.   Read the room, that's my advice.  The Panel, facing their last question, went 4-2 for keep it cranked- but with my caveat of read the room.