Who's dumber? Spam edition.

I am frequently amused by the proverbial Nigerian e-mail. Here's the latest.

Dearest One,I am Susan Walter, I am a US citizen, 39years. I reside here in Houston Texas. My residential address is as follows. 503 Madison Ave. Apt York,Houston Texas, United State.I am one of those that executed a contract in NIGERIA years ago and they refused to pay me, I had paid over $70,000 trying to get my payment all to no avail. So I decided to travel down to NIGERIA with all my contract documents. And I was directed to meet with Barr Mat Oto, who is the member of CONTRACT AWARD COMMITTEE, and I contacted him and he explained everything to me. He said that those contacting us through emails are fake. Then he took me to the paying bank, which is ZENITH BANK PLC, and I am the happiest woman on this earth because I have received my contract funds of $4.2Million USD.Moreover, Barr Mat Oto showed me the full information of those that have not received their payment; and I saw your email, your contract amount, your phone number etc. This is what you have to do now. You have to contact him direct on this information below;Name…: Barrister Mat OtoEmail: barrmat_otoesq1@lawyer.comPhone number +234-805-831-4206Address: 120 George Street Victoria Island LagosYou really have to stop your dealing with those contacting you, because they will dry you up until you have nothing to eat. The only money I paid was just $800 for IRS, which you know. So you have to take note of that. I can give you my number here in the state if you care for it.Thanks.Mrs. Susan Walter.

A few pointers for Mrs. Walter:

1. "dearest one" is not a common introduction to a stranger.

2. There is more than one "United State."

3. Why do all these scammers insist on capitalising their country's name?

4. After pissing away 70 grand, I'm surprised you have enough money left to travel to Nigeria.

5. I don't think I've ever seen "barrister" abbreviated, particularly without benefit of a period.

6. If "those contacting us by e-mail are fake", then what pray tell are you?

7. What e-mail? What contract?

8. Fine attorney that shows my info to you and expects you to contact me.

9. Wait a minute, I thought you were out 70 grand. Now, you only paid $800?

10. "which you know". Really? So I should just accept that somewhere along the line, apparently in my sleep, I set up some "contract" with "barr Mat Oto" and he apparently showed me your info just like he showed you mine. Thus, I become your "dearest one". Gotcha.

11. You'd think if we are so dear to each other, I'd have your number already.

12. I was going to ask, "which state?" but It must be Texas, since you "live in Houston" and only Texas would think of itself as the ONLY state. (Just kidding...)

Gotta give the old girl one thing though: she was smart enough to come up with the "e-mails are fake" thing, even if she sent it in an e-mail.

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Meanwhile, here's last week's preseason scores. In the battle of unbeatens, the Angels (3-0) topped the Ducks (2-1) 26-24; the T-Cubs (2-1) failed to keep pace, losing to the Rhinos (1-2) 34-24; the Clock BBQs (2-1) topped the KCAs (1-2) 25-18; the SVA (2-1) toppled the Elks (1-2) 26-12; the Beagles (2-1) edged the B2s (1-2) 26-24; annnnd... Buzz(1-2) wins the battle of the winless teams with what may be the highest score ever in a preseason game (but I'm too lazy to check the records), 44-13 over the Rangers (0-3).