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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Friday, June 10, 2011

Once upon a time in the forest...

...the animals gathered together in the clearing, just as they did most every night, to tell stories.  Buck Deer told his usual tales of braving the yard at the old folks home for the choicest grazing; Rocky Raccoon told his normal tales of the things he found in the dumpster, during which O. Possum grumbled about not having enough hand-holds to get in a dumpster himself.  Adam West, the bat from the Towne House, told soaring stories of his circular loops around the twilight yards and all the tasty bugs he caught.

Slowly, the young marmot Chuck made his way to the center of the circle.  "Oh, boy," O. Possum grumbled.  "Here comes a delightful story about grubs, like his dad Woody always tells."

Tawny Fox looked him over and said, "Can someone so young have an interesting story?"  Her husband, Red, nodded in agreement.  But Tom Cat spoke up, "like our stories are all that riveting.  Let him speak."

Every one looked to Buck Deer, who nodded his head in ascent.  "Thank you," Chuck began.  "My story is about that Scrappy Beagle..."

Tom Cat laughed.  "Him?" he chortled.  "The dog they say that walks past animals , sniffing for them, without ever looking up?"

Mrs. Deer said, "We're not that sure about those stories.  He is a hound, and they can be ever so treacherous."
"Has he ever spotted you?" Tom asked.
"Only from his bedroom window," one of the deer fawns giggled.

"...Anyway," Chuck continued.  "I was out last night before twilight, along the canal after the soccer games wound down.  I came bounding out of the tall grass when I saw him.  He and his human, the one he drags along with him on that string, were only about ten feet away when I saw him.  I held my breath for a second, and then he saw me."

"He actually looked up and saw you?" Rocky gasped.

"Yes!"  Chuck exclaimed.

"W-w-what happened?" a trembling fawn asked.

"We looked at each other," Chuck replied.  "It seemed like we stood there forever, though it was just a few seconds.  And then..."  The animals gathered closer.  "And then...?" they echoed.

"And then, his human said, 'Get him!!' " Chuck told them.  "I only had one chance, I thought.  there were three den openings on the bank between us, and I had to get to one.  So, I charged full out towards the closest one."

"And then?"

"Scrappy charged right towards me, as if he understood what his human said."

"And then??"

"I could almost feel his breath on me," Chuck said in a wavering voice.  "I didn't think I stood a chance..."


"And then... he turned and stuck his head in the hole closest to him, sniffed around.  By the time he looked up to search for me, I was gone."

The forest erupted with laughter.  "No, no, say it ain't so, " Red Fox roared.

"The... the stories are true!!" Buck Deer said in gasps as he struggled to breathe.  "He's an idiot!!"

Mrs. Deer leaned in close to him and whispered, "I told you, dear."

"Hmph," O. Possum snorted.  "All that noise he makes, and no smarter than that."

"Well, I'm glad of it," Chuck said.  "Otherwise, I'd have been a goner."

Herman Owl sat on a branch high above, awaiting the time for him to hoot down with his wisdom.  "We should all be glad of it, " he said, turning his horned head.  "The forest is much safer with Scrappy beagle in it."

This story is based on an actual incident.  Some names have been changed to protect the innocent because I didn't know them.


In addition to telling you about Scrappy's adventure yesterday, I wanted to brag about how we added 4 new caps to my beer cap collection in a simple walk around the neighborhood this morning.  I found a Miller High Life with the "Miller " smaller than the "High Life"- I had recently found a tall aluminum twist like that, but this was a regular size cap.  Nearby I found a Bud Light Lime.  After that, I found a Miller lite with the legend "Made gold-World Beer Cup" around the rim.  And finally, I managed to pry a George Killian lite from the tar in front of a dumpster.  For those who haven't been down this particular road, four caps in such a short distance in one day is impressive even in the old days.  Thus, I am very excited.  This gets me to 449 different caps of 204 brand variations.  Just for fun, here's what I have the most of:

19. (tie): Colt 45; Coors; Labatt's Blue; Lowenbrau; Olympia- 5 each.
17. (tie): Drewrys; Old Milwaukee; - 6 each.
14. (tie): Coors Light; Hamms; Michelob- 7 each.
11. (tie): Little Kings; Michelob Light; Rolling Rock- 8 each.
8.(tie): Black Label; Busch; Schlitz- 9 each.
7. Falstaff- 10.
5. (tie): Miller Lite; Bud Light- 11 each.
3. (tie): Pabst Blue Ribbon; Strohs- 13 each.
2. Miller High Life- 15.
1. Budweiser- 27.

Okay that's it from the proud poppa of 449 beer caps and one goofy Doofus.

1 comment:

  1. CWM:
    I'll be hionest with 'ya...that "tale" has all the earmarks (no pun intended) to be a great children's book!

    I mean I'd buy it!
    (especially if it had ""flip-ups" between the pages)

    And congrats on your cap collection.
    Let me know wehat you can use, and I'll be sure to drink some...LOL.
    (purely in the interest of being a collctor myself, you understand)

    Stay safe up there.