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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Saturday, July 2, 2011

Tricks sans treats

Anyone who follows simple dude's blog (check the button on the right hand side) got to hear him get pranked by his Lady Friend, who decided to keep him out of her ice cream cones "in a most delightful waaaay" (with apologies to Mary Poppins).  Which got me to thinking about the two best pranks I've pulled.  One was the April fool I pulled on my son KC that you can read about here.  The other was years before, and involved a veteran creature of habit- my dad.

To set this up, envision the home of my youth.  Coming in the back door, you turned right, went up two steps to the inside door, and opened it to face the west wall.  Along this wall was the cabinets, the oven, and of course the kitchen sink.  Above the sink was a 2X5 window running its length, giving one a view of the driveway, the neighbors, and the road.  My dad, as I said a creature of habit, would come in, lean over the sink and look out for a few seconds, and get a drink of water.

So I devised the idea of rubber banding the trigger to the spray-gun.  I simulated his stance and adjusted the gun to center of chest, and waited for him to come home and do the inevitable.

The most amusing part of a trick like this is the many split-second actions you do while your brain tries to kick into gear.  This was no exception.  The plan worked flawlessly.  He was a little off center, so I stood beside him to subtly nudge him into position.  Then he went for the glass and I backed up.  He turned the knob, and the jet of water struck him square in the chest.  In the less than a second afterwards, he turned the inactive faucet away to no avail, grabbed at the gun (which merely spread the attack), and once he was good and soaked, his brain caught on and turned off the knob.  I laughed.  I cried.  I screamed.  This was true father -son bonding such as we rarely did, and when he got over the shock and the pieces fell into place, he turned and said, "You dooflink!"  (That was his child-appropriate cuss word.)

Running a distant third in the evil trick department was a spur of the moment deal a couple years later, after dad had passed on.  It was a cold winter night, and as was our habit back then, a group of friends had gathered to play euchre and get drunk.  Everyone had left except my nephew- yes the same nephew who keeps getting mentioned in my cap collection blog (again look right, just higher).  It was late (like maybe 1- 1:30 am) and he asked if he could get a piece of toast to help him sober up.  I started the toast and asked what he wanted on it.  Margarine was the reply.  Now in those days, I used to get the bargain brand, nu-maid, in the hard plastic bowls that made such great food storers and cereal bowls.  And at that moment, as I opened the refrigerator and my mind went back in time two months- to a can of pork and beans, emptied into one such bowl, which I had all but finished off, put a lid on it,and then spent the intervening time going from "there's not enough in there to bother with" to "hey, I forgot about that", to "that probably isn't any good anymore" to "Someday I'll have to throw that out."

I'm sure you can guess what happened next.

If you can imagine the face of someone who looks down to find his foot in the biggest, freshest, smelliest pile of crap he or anyone else has ever stepped in, that would be the look on his face as he opened the bowl, got a look (and apparently a whiff) and sealed the bowl back shut.  As I laughed and tossed the offending bowl into the trash, he called upon the Good Lord in many and various fashions to testify he had just had the most disgusting experience of his life, as well as debating a kneel-down session in the nearby bathroom.

Ah, memories.

1 comment:

  1. CWM:
    And THAT is why I am "rotating the stock"...I hate things in the fridge that:

    A) Become science experiments
    B) Are "mystery foods"
    C) Develop a life of their own

    Lesson learned here more than a few times in the past.

    Have a great holiday.
    Stay safe up there.