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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Friday, January 20, 2012

The Time Machine beauty contest!

Pre-post update:  Cashbox has a "holder page" up as of checking things at 10:10 PM, but is not yet up.  Therefore our regularly scheduled program is pre-empted by:

I’m doing this Wednesday night in case of Cashbox still being down Friday.  If I find it’s back up by then, I’ll fit this in at another point.  My bright idea was, How about I take all the women that hit #1 on the 20th of January, and have a beauty contest?  So I pirated  found the most flattering pics (to me) of each contestant, and grouped them into, well, groups.

Group #1 is, of course, groups.  Seeings as a) I didn’t want to split them up, and b)Beyonce’s in one of the groups, I decided I’ll do them on their own.
  Here are the contestants:
The Boswell Sisters, who hit #1 in 1935 with The Object Of My Affection;
The Andrews Sisters, who made it in 1938 with Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen and in 1950 with I Can Dream, Can’t I;
Dawn (skip the ugly one in the middle) who topped the chart in 1971 with Knock Three Times;
and Destiny’s Child, who were at #1 in 2001 with Independent Women.
In all fairness, Beyonce getting two shots isn’t fair, and Telma Hopkins isn’t really my cup o’ tea, so I’ll take Patty, Maxine, and Laverne.  Besides, I Can Dream, Can’t I is basically the theme song to this post.

Now, the rest of our lovely ladies I’m dividing up into three classes.  The first group I’m calling, “nice pipes, but this is a beauty contest”:
Patti Page, who topped the pops in 1951 with The Tennessee Waltz;
The magnificent Kate Smith who topped the chart in 1932 with River, Stay ‘Way From My Door (with Guy Lombardo’s orchestra);
Singer and comedienne Ada Jones, who topped the charts in 1913 with Row! Row! Row!;
Ke$ha, who led the league two years ago with Tik Tok;
Evelyn Knight, at #1 in 1949 with A Little Bird Told Me;
Lady Gaga, at #1 in 2009 with Just Dance;
and Diana Ross who had the Theme From Mahogany at #1 in 1976.

Our second category is the beauty pageant’s version of Almost But Not Quite:
Dionne Warwick, who joined her friends in 1986 with That’s What Friends Are For;
Madonna, who was Like A Virgin back in 1985;
Whitney Houston, who really sunk her chances with me with I Will Always Love You in 1993;
Toni Braxton, who was #1 in 1997 with Un-break My Heart;
and Christina Aguilera, who was on top in 2000 with What A Girl Wants.

That brings us to the final eight:
Rhianna, on top currently with We Found Love;
Beyonce, who topped this week in 2007 with Irreplaceable;
Mariah Carey, who was #1 in 1996 with One Sweet Day;
Carly Simon, at #1 in 1973 with You’re So Vain;
Brandy, the top of 1999 with Have You Ever;
Petula Clark, the #1 song in 1965 with Downtown;
Here’s one outta left field- Joan Webber, who hit the top in 1955 with Let Me Go, Lover;
And the late, great, Karen Carpenter, who was at #1 with her brother in 1975 with Please Mr. Postman.

Anyone wants to pitch in their votes, go right ahead.  For me, the eyes have it- and that means the first annual (Hey, who said I’m doing this again!!??!) Time Machine Beauty contest goes to-


That’s all from the spacious Martin Theatre for this one, kids.  I’m gonna go cue up the Andrews Sisters.


  1. A lot of very beautiful women and talented singers

  2. CWM:
    No Nancy Sinatra?
    (for shame on

    Kate Smith was a favorite of mine when I was a toddler.
    Mom told me I always woke up from my nap in time for her show on TV...and I don't even remember that.
    But you have to believe "Mom"...

    And Kate did all right by the FLYERS in heoping them with their 2 back-to-back Stanley Cups in the mid-70s...whatta time THAT was.

    (Man, could she sing)

    Remember, those BOOTS are not only made for walking...they can be made for "kickin" when you don't include certain other singers in the pageant...LOL.
    (oh, and what about Julie London?)

    I'm just messin' with 'ya.
    Stay safe up there.

  3. Not my fault Nancy wasn't at #1 in the second week of January. Guess they weren't snow boots.