"Wake up, gentlemen," Theodore Roosevelt shouts through the stone of his mustache. "It's a glorious day to be alive!"
"Technically, " says Thomas Jefferson, "we aren't alive. We are manifestations of our ideals and mythologies carved into the granite of...
"Yes, yes, Jefferson, we understand," George Washington says, slightly annoyed. "Theodore, what are you on about?"
"Why, it's the 4th of July, George! Independance Day!" T.R. responds. "I feel like I could lick a bear on the Fourth!"
"You feel like that every day, Roosevelt," Abraham Lincoln grumbles, with just a wry twist to the corner of his mouth. "It's not as easy as it sounds."
"What, have you all hearts of stone today?" T.R. says in mock shock.
"Actually, yes," Jefferson replies. "You see..."
"THOM- assss...." Washington hums.
"Today, the mortals celebrate in fireworks and hot dogs what we built in lead and blood so many years ago," T.R. says. "A wonderful legacy to what we accomplished."
"We?" Washington says with an upturned eyebrow.
""All you accomplished," Jefferson said, "was running up some silly, malaria-infested hill after Spaniards who didn't know a bullet from a button. George over here is the one who froze his ass off fighting the Hessians and so forth."
"Yes, and Thomas scripted the Constitution that made it all worthwhile," Washington added.
"Hence the long-windedness," T.R. muttered under his breath.
"Yes, George, but you left something out, " Lincoln said. "A mess left to me to clean up."
"Ah, the slavery thing again," Jefferson sighed.
"Excuse me, but I had messes of my own to clean up," T.R. interjected, but nobody was listening.
"Listen, you son of a wood-splitter," Washington growled, the lava coming to his cheeks. "You wouldn't have had a nation to keep together, had we not made compromises to form it!"
"And really, had your people just treated their slaves properly..." Jefferson chimed in.
"Oh, by taking them to bed?" Lincoln retorted.
"What about what I did to the trusts?" Roosevelt tried to make heard over the clamor. "The pure Food and Drug Act?"
"That's never been proven!" Jefferson shouted. "Besides," he added softer, "One shouldn't disparage something he hasn't indulged in."
"WHAT?!?" Lincoln roared.
"Don't knock it till you try it," Roosevelt translated.
"I know what it means, you pompous concoction from a dime novel!" Lincoln shot back. "And, " he went on, turning to Jefferson, "We are on the face of this mountain because we had a certain dignity in life. Don't despoil it with your tawdry innuendoes."
"Bully," T.R. agreed.
"I wasn't talking to you, Roosevelt," Lincoln spat. "Frankly I don't know WHAT your up here for."
"Oh, go stake a vampire," T.R. shot back.
"And that's another thing,"Jefferson said. "How do YOU manage to get a Tim Burton movie?"
"He wanted someone athletic and heroic," Lincoln said. "That leaves you out on both counts. And frankly, George put on a few pounds as the years went on."
"I BEG YOUR PARDON?!" Washington shouted, pyroclastic flows trickling from his ears.
"Hey, I'm athletic and heroic," T.R. interjected.
"And intelligent," Lincoln added. "I forgot to mention intelligent."
"Besides, you were in Arsenic And Old Lace," Jefferson retorted.
"That weasn't me, that was a crazy person who THOUGHT they were me!" Roosevelt protested.
"Your point being?" Jefferson sneered back.
"All right, this has gone on long enough," Washington sighed. "Can we get to the point of this?"
"Very well", said Jefferson, turning to us mortals below. "From all of us to all of you..."
"Happy Independence Day!!!"