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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Saturday, January 4, 2014

Martin World News

Normally I'd do a MWN on a Monday, but I have an overflow of items, and since we'll all be frozen solid by Monday night, I thought I'd do this now.

ITEM:  The story I've been sitting on the longest came last Sunday, courtesy the FW News-Sentinel:

News-Sentinel staff report
Tuesday, December 31, 2013 - 12:01 am

Police break up tussling at church

Fort Wayne Police were called to break up a fight Sunday at Friendship Baptist Church, 451 E. Douglas St.
According to a police report, an officer responded at 11:55 a.m. to a call of a lot of people arguing and causing a scene in front of the church. The officer discovered an alleged scandal was going on with someone at the church. Apparently a man was offended when another member grabbed him by the lapels of his sports coat and said “I've been wanting a piece of you for a while,” the police report said.
The crowd was dispersed by police but they were later called to the Allen County Public Library, where the group had gathered to hash out their differences in the congregation. According to the report the responding officer thought the parties involved were being loud and it was in the best interests of the people and the library to ask them all to leave for the day.
Yes, the first two spots I'd pick for a fight:  a church and a library.  That way you cover both the secular AND religious sides of the conflict.
ITEM: In honor of the death of 94-year-old AK-47 inventor Mikhail Kalashnikov, the Moscow Times did a "5 things you didn't know about him":
1-He once was so sick as a boy that they had to check if he was still alive by putting a feather in front of his nose to see if he was still breathing.  After one such check yielded nothing, a coffin maker was summoned- but he "came back to life" while the carpenter measured him for the casket.
2-At the age of 15 (in the year 1919), he was arrested for weapons possession.  Making AKs already?  No, a friend had given him a broken Browning pistol for some reason.  Took him 2 days to convince officials (Not sure if we're dealing with Bolsheviks or Whites at this point) that it wasn't his gun.
3- As a result of the arrest, he said the heck with High School (Or it with him) and went to work as recordkeeper at a rail station.  He never held a diploma until getting an honorary degree in 1971.
4- His first attempt at invention was trying to come up with a bicycle.  Failing that, he then spent the next eight years (presumably up until his eviction from high school) trying to build a "perpetual motion machine". 
5-While he never managed to make that, either, he was able to turn old washing machine parts and a milk cart into a functioning lawn mower.
ITEM:  Time to veer off into the realm of sex, courtesy those whacky Danes at the Copenhagen Post.
Finally, an answer to one of the most pressing questions of our times: what should we call the vagina?  The erotic magazine Tidens Kvinder wasn't happy with the current options for how Danish women should refer to their private parts, so it set out to do something about it by holding a contest that asked readers to submit their own suggestions on what to call 'it'
The magazine found some of the common Danish words for the vagina – including ‘fisse’, ‘kusse’, ‘fjappen’, ‘skræv’ and ‘dåsen’ (the can) - to be insulting, while others – ‘missen’ (the kitty), ‘fi’, ‘hun’ (her) and ‘tissekone’ – were seen as too childish.  
So after an exhaustive search the magazine's panel - headed by what one can only assume are vagina experts - has settled on a new term: 'gina'. 
"The name is short and precise, easy to say and is nickname-like – sweet and sexy at once," Renee Toft Simonsen, an editor for the magazine, said. 
According to the magazine, it now hopes that Danes will incorporate 'gina' into their vocabulary, "whether with the doctor, their friends or in erotic literature".
'Gina' beat out 311 other suggestions for a new name. 
Good thing they know how to prioritize society's challenges over there, eh?
ITEM: Also on the subject, we bring you a controversial ad for a burger place called Goodtime Burgers in Australia.  Apparently, the copy for their upcoming opening in Bondi Junction ran like this:
Yes, the traditional burger buns have been replaced with an otherwise-bikini-clad woman.  Now I have known truck drivers who would probably say a lifelong dream just came true, but I'd have to say that's not the kinda cheese I want on MY burger.  Needless to say, the Advertising Standards Board made them pull the ad for being degrading to women, despite their defense which boiled down to "if you can't see her chest, it could have been a man as easy as a woman."
And don't THAT make it more appealing. 
ITEM: And wrapping up the sex stories, a not-so-funny event:  a Frujita, Colorado, teacher was arrested for using Facebook to suggest his students (15-to-17 years old) send him topless pictures.  So Colorado, on top of the home of the Columbine and Aurora incidents, and a secessionist movement by several counties over "mineral rights" now has this story.  And you REALLY think it's a good idea for them to vote in legalized marijuana?  REALLY???
ITEM:  Now Wal-Mart has been caught up in the latest meat-for-human-consumption scandal, this time over selling donkey meat in China.  "Donkey meat?  UGGGH", you say, but donkey meat is not the problem.  Donkey meat is acceptable in China.  The problem?  They found traces of- are you ready?- FOX MEAT in their donkey meat. 
"This is another hit on Wal-Mart's brand, meaning wealthy shoppers will start to lose the trust they had before," said Shaun Rein, Shanghai-based managing director of China Market Research Group.

Can it really be so bad in a country where WEALTHY customers prefer donkey meat?

ITEM:  In another blow against Global Warming, the North Pole is about to dump record cold on all of us.  Particularly in the northern Midwest, where the playoff football game will be played in -2 to -7 F (-18 to -21 C, or for you scientists, 251 to 254 K) temps, and school is already called off for Monday all across Minnesota and some areas in Wisconsin.  On the bright side, a local company bought up 3,000 tickets so they could avoid the TV blackout and will be giving them out free to active military and their families (Damn, Santa, how about just a lump of coal instead?).  Into the midst of this, weather experts not encumbered by their "GW agenda" add this cheery note:

And though this cold spell will last just a few days as warmer air comes behind, it likely will freeze over the Great Lakes and other bodies of water, meaning frigid temperatures will likely last the rest of winter, said Ryan Maue, a meteorologist for Weather Bell.
"It raises the chances for future cold," he said, adding it could include next month's Super Bowl in New York.

While this may not disprove GW of itself, it sure makes the NFL look like idiots for believing in it enough to put the Super Bowl in a cold-weather, outdoor stadium.  Bet Bruno Mars is looking foreward to being the halftime act!  Oh, and speaking of Mars:

Astronauts hopeful of stepping foot on Mars may first want to make a visit to Winnipeg in winter, as temperatures there are currently on par with Martian highs.
At one point on Tuesday temperatures in the central Canadian city were colder than on the surface of Mars.
On New Year’s Eve, the Winnipeg Museum, citing data from the NASA’s Curiosity rover, reported that the high temperature on the Red Planet was -29°C (-18F). Thermometers in Winnipeg only reached a high of -31°C (-20F) that day.

ITEM:  Finally, it has been suggested by a friend that I do a weekly "Laurie's stories of Wal-Mart" feature.  I think this idea has real promise, and so, here's a couple of such stories:

-One of the biggest problems being a WM cashier is the whole "ID for alcohol" thing.  If you are with someone who is buying alcohol (and presumably aren't a child), BOTH people are required to show ID.  Now you wouldn't think that would be a big deal- after all, if your over-age buddy is buying you booze, it would just make sense that you make yourself scarce.  BZZZZZZZT!  Over and over, people are stunned, and pitch a bitch over having to show ID if they don't have cash in hand.  And are even more stunned when they retreat, the underager leaves, the over-ager comes back TO THE SAME LANE, and gets refused a second time.

And if it ain't the age, it's the ID itself.  An EXPIRED ID doesn't fly- just ask the guy a couple nights back who used a drivers license that had been expired SINCE JUNE.  Or the dude who came up with a green ID card looking like they'd tried to laminate it into a baggie, claiming it was a Brazilian ID.  Shoot, I wish I still had my Avengers ID!

It looked just like this, with a picture of me glued on, and PROPERLY laminated.

-And last night, some dude tried to buy a jacket, which was no biggie- until Laurie found the HAT stuffed up one sleeve.  "I don't know how that got in there, I didn't put it there", he said.  Uh-huh.

- Or how about the conscientious customer who reported AS he was leaving to Laurie, who could do jack about it, about the dude he saw leaving with unpaid for items AS he was coming in!  Nice of the guy, but to be helpful, it would be nice if you could manage a) to report it in a TIMELY manner, b)to the proper people, i.e. a floor manager.

-And I almost forgot the story from a few days ago.  Policy is that cashiers aren't to put unwanted items away, they are to call a CSM (customer service manager, I assume) to put it away.  Of course, doing this often gets you an "I'm too busy" or an "I'll be right there (nod, nod, wink, wink)"  So imagine what Laurie thought of the sign posted in the cashier's check in area saying "Cashiers MUST contact a CSM when they get an unwanted item.  Items must not be left at the station".

So, as you might surmise, WM could solve a lot of these problems with a few simple steps, to wit:

-POST the ID policy prominently at the registers and in the alcohol department.  Better yet, have one dedicated checkout in the department for alcohol.

-When a door person has to go on break, have SOMEONE there to relieve them, rather than just abandoning the post.

-How about telling the CSMs to do their jobs as well?

ITEM:  Looking in the ol' spam file, I got this amusing comment on an old post:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "February Flotsam on Sunday":

I usually do not leave a lot of responses, however i did some
searching and wound up here "February Flotsam on Sunday". And I
actually do have a few questions for you if you usually do
not mind. Could it be only me or does it look like some of the comments come across as if they are coming from brain dead individuals?
:-P And, if you are posting at other social sites, I'd like to keep up with anything fresh
you have to post. Would you list of the complete urls
of your social pages like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?

My web blog ...
So I looked into the comments put on that particular post, which had to do with an article by one David Barton about the decay of society since the No-Prayer-In-Schools decision and an atheist's response to it.  Bobby G. as always had an intelligent, thought out comment.  However, my son posted this:

Okay, we're done for today.  Hopefully we'll all survive Santa's late present and reconvene at a later date.


  1. Addendum to the Danish vagina story: The other names that would translate came out: fast, pussy, crotch, and "pee wife".

  2. I think you will have a hit with the Laurie's WM Stories posts. No doubt about it. STUPID has a new meaning lately! BTW...that burger ad is hysterical! Stay warm!

  3. Flappen?
    Well now, that just makes me giggle.

    1. Only 'cause you spelled it wrong. Fjappen, not flappen. Cause that might bring to mind a wind thing, and that might bring to mind... oh, never mind.

  4. Oh wow, that Just wow....

    1. Bet you'd wanna run right out to Goodtime Burgers and get one if you lived down under, right?

  5. Chris:
    I STILL have my graduation certificate from the XAVIER INSTITUTE FOR THE well as my STARFLEET ACADEMY diploma...would EITHER of those work for valid ID?
    (just wondering)
    I could never woirk at Wal_Mart for that reason alone...
    I'd be like Gandalf from LOTR...
    "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" (with the booze)...LOL.

    The burger ad had me doing a double-take...TWICE!

    And some good trivia on Mikhail...I knew a lot about him, but those wetre nice to learn.

    Gilligan's Iceland...ROFL!

    Nice job.

    Stay safe and warm up there.

  6. remind me to stay away from that burger place next time I am in Sydney. Although it would be interesting to see the menu if that is the marketing