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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Martin World News

Today I think I can speak as a member of the world dumbasses club.  Another bad day, another meltdown.  Those who got splattered told me not to worry it, they'd feel the same way.  I'm not as forgiving.   But, the day is done, the stress eased, and I have a file with more dim bulbs than I thought, so let's have a look, interspersed with the calm, relaxing pictures of another nice day for a walk.

In between the trees a woodpecker hides...

The first two stories I was going to get rid of have gotten rid of themselves... both old FoxNews stories, One about the followers of Hugo Chavez trying to turn him into a post-mortem "god"; the other about how the NOAA tornado warning app warned several subscribers this winter about a tornado warning issued some one hundred and seven days before.  (I guess that makes it only fitting that I forgot it for another 107 days or so.  Moving on...

March 27 (UPI) -- A Utah woman is facing a litany of charges after she allegedly tried to use a pound of bacon and a gas stove to burn down her ex-boyfriend’s home.

This woman, who was not content with an evening of harassing text messages to her ex, left the place with a wood burning stove open, hot coals scattered about the floor, and the bacon in ashes on the burner.  She was charged with third degree felony arson, along with burglary (for coming in uninvited)  assault by a prisoner ( that would be the "after-party"), harassment by electronic communication ( the texts), interfering with an officer (not sure if she interfered with him coming into the house, putting out the fire, or she just decided to wrestle him), and intoxication (oh yeah, she blew a .346).  And the cherry on the cake- the name of our "bacon arsonist?"

Cameo Adawn CRISPI.

Next up, you ever wonder why we used to make jokes about Schneider drivers?

Our brain surgeon here experienced engine problems and pulled over (on an incline).  Whilst awaiting Trucker AAA, he decided to uncouple the trailer from his cab.  And it tipped over.  Fortunately most of his apparently unbalanced load of 55,000 lbs of granular lawn fertilizer stayed in the trailer.  Unfortunately, he REALLY won't be able to sneak that particular trailer under the South Anthony viaduct anymore.

Do you really need more than this headline:

Naked N.J. man on tricycle arrested for alleged use of cocaine

If so, here goes....

Meet the now-clothed Jermaine Jones, who was apparently celebrating his recent release from prison by indulging in some truly boffo coke.  After the local gendarmes were notified of his cruising the apartment complex on a trike in the buff, they arrived to find him “... chewing on glass and cigarette tobacco.”   On the bright side, at least his tricycle wasn't hauling 55,000 lbs of fertilizer.

18 year old Stian Ytterdahl of Norway was apparently a bit too much of a ladies man for his buddies.  The gave him an ultimatum- he could get a tattoo of Barbie on his rump, or the receipt from his recent trip to McDonalds on his arm.

Which did he choose?

Ytterdahl’s first ever tattoo now covers most of his lower right arm, showing a purchase that included a soda, cheeseburger and “non-stop Flurry.”
Unsurprisingly, his parents are unimpressed.
“I got an email from my dad that wasn’t entirely positive, saying ‘What on earth have you done?! Do you think you are coming home with that!? Your mother has had a break down’,” he said.
But that hasn’t effected the teen, who considers himself a “living billboard”.

Now, I have to question the taste in men of teenage girls in Norway.  Of course, the other Norway story I saw was a man who asked a friend for help in "de-fusing" a decades-old can of herring that had bulged to a frightening degree- also known in Norway as "ready to eat".  I think the next story should explore a possible link between cold maritime temperatures and early-onset dementia.

That is an early-onset sinkhole in the greenway trail- in another of those areas where Purdue logic dictated the removal of small trees and large brush that was holding up the canal bank.  But whadda I know?

Speaking of McDonalds, if you wanna make a run to Switzerland you can get the new McD's Prime burger.

The $12 sandwich consists of a 6.3 oz Swiss beef patty, topped with "rustic mountain cheese", bacon (of course), coleslaw, special sauce and- are you ready?- arugula.

According to ads, the Prime packs "character, taste and size” and was developed with the help of Swiss TV cooking show host Rene Schudel.

Would you let this man make you a burger?  uhhhh.... anyway, a McD's spokesbabe* says there are no, repeat no, plans to bring this ... (arugula?)... sandwich to the US of A.

(*Shame on you, Chris!  That's Rebecca Hary, McDonalds' Director of Global External Communications.  That's not a "spokesbabe", that means she is... is.. um... a spokesbabe.)


  1. The naked guy on the trike wins it for me. Hahahaha. Some people truly are better off in prison. That is a sad commentary right there.

    1. You can just picture it... but why would you want to?

  2. We all have meltdowns. I had one the other night.

    And who the hell tattoos a receipt of any kind, let alone McD's, on any part of their body? Ugh.

    1. But think of the terror you could bring if you trick or treated Michelle Obama wearing a receipt tattoo from McDs?

  3. I would eat that burger if they get rid of the cheese.

    Of course he's from New Jersey.

    yeah I dunno between those choices, I think I would have gone with sorry guys you can't really force me to get a tattoo....

    1. Apparently bullying is different in Norway, too.

  4. Chris:
    Love the way you integrated the pics with the stories...especially of the "peekaboo squirrel"...LOL.
    I can hear him now:
    "You lookin' at ME?"

    And that sinkhole...looks more like a lightning strike or micro-meteorite impact!
    That doesn't bode well for the trail, if it IS a sinkhole, however...(there goes the neighborhood - into dante's 3rd layer).
    Been there, living that.

    Those stories are the stuff you simply CANNOT make the hell up.
    Broken glass, the NUDE (on a bicycle)?
    Well, I know where ONE of our locals wound up after they left town!

    And Ms CRISPI...instant irony there.
    (at the price of BACON these days, what a waste)

    Great coverage from the world of idiocy.
    (and you're absolved of ANY involvement or meltdown therein).

    Good post.

    Stay safe (and relatively sane) up there.

    1. The Squirrel: I was surprised that those two came out. They were "quick, before he moves" shots.

      The hole: Definitely a sink. There is an old washout nearby on the bank that they did a typical Purdue half-assed job on.

      Tricycle, Bob, Tricycle. That makes it worse.

  5. $12 for a McAruggy? Who's going to pay for one of those? Maybe that Crispi gal, after she gets out of jail for wasting good bacon on her ex. You find the most awesome of the most twisted news bites, CW. Great work. Thanks for the laughs.


    1. Well, that's what they were kinda wondering about in the article. Apparently McDs thinks that the Swiss are rich enough to test them out.

  6. >>... Meet the now-clothed Jermaine Jones, who was apparently celebrating his recent release from prison by indulging in some truly boffo coke.

    They shoot horses, don't they?

    Maybe they should shoot horses' asses too.

    Hey, Jermaine Jones, click yer heels together and say, "There's no place like home, Homeboys." (You'll be in an Airheadzonan prison before ya knows it...idiot.)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    1. I'd rather they start the clearing out with the malevolent first. Idiots can be dealt with.

  7. These were too funny today! I winced while reading about the guy eating glass though. Honestly the burger looked good enough to try. I have a weakness for Mc D's french fries. I would have had the Barbie on the butt instead of the stupid receipt!

  8. Does the sandwich come with a defibrillator?

    So, I take it this semi-BOTB bit is going up tomorrow (Friday) at 9:00 AM?

    If so, I shall return to experience it. I get home from work at 6:30 AM-ish, and often I have gone to bed by 9:00 AM.

    If that's the case tomorrow, then I will check out your BOTB-ish thing some time after I wake up in the early afternoon.

    Yak Then...

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    1. 9 AM my time (EDT), whatever that works out to in your neck o' the woods.

  10. I read a story today about a 2 ft corn dog that apparently is selling out somewhere in the states and that burger is probably more attractive.
    Never thought of bacon as an incendiary device. Obviously not a very effective one though
    Love the squirrel :)