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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Friday, May 23, 2014

melted down

Well, today wasn't one of my shining moments.  Sorry, that wasn't fair to me.  I am on day two of what seems to be a stress meltdown.  It all started... well, I'm not sure.  All I know is that Wednesday was an EXTREMELY stressful day.  And Thursday morning, I found that every little thing made me want to cry.  I advised my boss and my floor boss, "Today is the day I'm finally gonna snap," and I was right.  I didn't let it out much... not to people around me, anyway.  Even made friends with our new plant manager (who starts Tuesday).  But at the end of my 9 hours I told my boss about it, and she said, "You should have said it was that bad, I'd have let you out early."  But I didn't want that.  Why on earth would I go home just because I want to cry?

Why indeed?

It's not the work per se.  A talk with my son- who is so much like me- pretty much told the tale.  We are both conscientious, dependable workers passionate about getting a job done.  Which ends up with us being put in key positions upon which most of the people in the plant depend on you.  But what is happening- and I'm not going to look at business mistakes, etc. as the cause here- is that we are at a "boy, we're swamped" point.  Less delicately, a "boy we're screwed" point.  And you can work as hard as possible and not even see the edge of the hole we're in.  Or, as I put it to the new Plant Mgr, "I can't dig us out, I can only rearrange the dirt around the hole and make it look neat."

And they realize that.  But the problem is, I think, I can't get my brain to accept it, and that it's okay.  All it sees is the hole and the shovels throwing dirt on top of me.  And they are doing something about it, but it's not working.  At Wednesday morning meeting, my boss said of our efforts, "We've added three and a half hours of cutting time (between my nine, another girl working my lunch, and a trainee working two hours after I leave), and it's not enough."  I think that was the trigger.  Three days of triple size orders, no apparent relief from the things I have been pointing out- in some cases, for months- that are slowing things down.  Hell, I begged for a new ink cartridge for my paperwork printer for a week and a half before I got one!

I took a sleeping pill Thursday night and went to bed at 8:30 yet again.  (Note:  Tuesday I missed my first new episode of Deadliest Catch in FOUR YEARS.)  I thought maybe solid, extra sleep would help.

Laurie could hear it in my voice this morning that it hadn't.  As soon as I got there, the battle began anew.  AND THINGS WEREN'T EVEN THAT BAD, relatively.  But nonetheless, it was back again, and worse.  Then at 8:10 (three hours into my Martin Saving Time shift), my floor boss came over and told me that several items- which I had proof that I had cut, and she had proof they had sewed- suddenly had no proof they shipped, were nowhere to be found, and would need recut.

And that was the end of me.  I pretty much broke down to her.  With tears hammering their way out, I told her everything, including that I felt like I was moving through mud, things that I should have been able to do in my sleep took precious seconds of thought, and my focus was on a sharp decline.  "I even tried to scan two orders at the same time!"  I laughed without feeling it.  She brought out our boss.

"Are you all right?"  She asked.

"No.  I think I've popped my cap and need to go somewhere and fizz out," I said tearing and smiling at the same time.

Moments later, I was on my way home for the weekend.

And I drove home, talking on the phone to Laurie the whole way.  Two naps, one walk, and a good talk with my son later...  I'm still moving through mud, and I still feel like Bruce Banner with the Hulk rattling around inside.  After nap #1, I read my Bible and the day's meditation from Chambers' My Utmost For His Highest.  See what he had to say today...

" 'Take no thought...' (Matt. 6:25) don't take the pressure of forethought upon yourself... Have you ever noticed what Jesus said would choke the word He puts in? The devil? No, the cares of this world...  I will not trust where I cannot see, that is where infidelity (Meaning infidelity to trusting all things to Him) begins... The great word of Jesus to His disciples is abandon. (His emphasis.)

So there you have it.  This weekend, I get to be the basket case, as I rebuild the wall between me and what I cannot do, a wall that failed me the last two days.  Hugs and prayers are appreciated.


  1. Sending you bloggy hugs. Melt downs at work at a rare thing for me, though it has happened.

    Hope you feel better.

  2. You're brave to write that.

    1. Thank you. It's what blogs are for, right?

  3. CW-

    Even though I do not work out like I did when I was in my twenties and early thirties, those kinds of days the only release for me is to sweat.

    Back when I had a basement, I had a heavy bag for just such days. If you have a place to put one, I cannot recommend it enough for both exercise and stress relief!

    I miss mine. I gave it to my brother when I moved. He has no stress issues!



    1. It probably would have helped to get some kinda release before popping my cork. I really hurt myself afterwards by forging on and saying it was stupid to let it get to me. It had already got to me, and it didn't matter if it was stupid or not.

  4. Chris, I'm so sorry you had a bad week at work. Good for you though to reach out and tell your boss. I'm sending prayers and hugs your way.
    If your temperament continues, I would suggest going to the Dr and getting a medication to even out some brain chemicals. It works!!

    1. I used to do St Johns Wort. It evens things out... good and bad. Then you feel like a robot and smell like a herb.

  5. When we feel frustrated to the point that nothing we do makes a difference... well, that is bound to twist you up inside. At least, for anyone who CARES. As you clearly do. The only way to Power Through is to Let Go. Exercise is an excellent way for the body to physically release the burdens of the mind. So, I agree with LC. Maybe a punching bag would be your best investment ever. I just started taking dance lessons and that has been an excellent release. Stress is a killer. I say that with all seriousness. The things that disturb our mind (if we store it up) will manifest in our bodies (there is no other option). So, I strongly encourage you to find a physical way of releasing all of that negative junk at work so that you can live a healthy, peace-filled life when you are home.

  6. My dear friend, first of all a big hug for you as you know that I have had my own work related meltdown recently.
    And to be honest, letting it all out in a bit bundle of tears really does help.
    Sometimes people don't listen until a meltdown happens and as horrible it is at the time,perhaps work will get a bit better now.
    Make time for yourself, doing what you love. Look after you. You are important and special and your concerns are valid but unfortunately if you are going up against a company,sometimes you have to change your thinking if you want to survive with some remnant of sanity.
    More hugs from me, I do understand very well what you are going through. xxx

    1. Robin and Mynx:

      First of all, thank you both. I really think though, that the enemy is me and not the company. When I let it get like this, it is me saying, "It's stupid to get upset," It's me saying, "This is ridiculous," and me that didn't give me an outlet for it. Just keep swallowing, it'll digest in a few hours. The trouble with the food analogy is, what goes in must come out. And out it came.

      I do have to change my thinking- but it seems its the thinking at the subconscious level that I need to change. I know in the front of my mind it's not all on me. My bosses tell me that all the time. But for whatever reason, when I heard, "The extra 3 1/2 hours aren't enough," my subconscious put it on me. Work lists that I had been getting done by 12:30 were taking the whole shift- or not getting done. Not because of me, they were just getting bigger. Then came yet another round of "we made it, but we can't find it," and down I went.

      The thing is, I have to find a way to deal with ME that doesn't involve "That's stupid".

  7. Chris:
    I have been SO behind m,uself around the Fortress", I would have shot you guys and invite...but then I ralized that the "
    ghettohood" might not be the "best rel;ief" for what's ailing you.
    I drive down that same psychological street a lot myself, fortunately, I prefer not to stop and hang out there.
    You and I have similar work ethics, and I have left jobs that paid well, because of PRINCIPLE (not the best thing, but I CAN sleep at nights).
    We can never totally eliminate stress, but we can work THROUGH it, brother.
    In many ways, stress is a not-so-distant cousin to grief.
    And I know I say GOOD GRIEF a

    Here's trusting that through HIS help, you can turn that corner and get back on track.
    I''m praying for you.

    Stay safe.

    1. I thank you... and I probably wouldn't have been much company before Sunday afternoon.