So last night, I was looking for something to write about. I checked my Martin World News sources, but I didn't see the humor in this week's bunch of drunks and drug abusers, sexual perverts (like the Japanese artist that came up with a program so 3-D printers can copy her vagina), and just plain simpletons. (Although I did find one this morning that I'll share in a bit.)
So I turned to my stats page to see what people are searching to find me. Those included "Mariska Veres's tits" (she was the lead songstress on Shocking Blue's Venus, and was hot back in the day, but I do not have any naked pictures) and "Scrappy windmills" (Which evidently has less to do with beagles and more to do with quilt making).
So then, I gave up to watch the All-Star Game, and immediately heard and saw two extremely classless maneuvers. Both involved the first at-bat by retiring Yankee captain Derek Jeter. First, the moron dressed as a "fan" who shouted, "OH-ver-RAY-ted" on the second pitch from Adam Wainwright- with RAY coming as the pitch was thrown, and TED as Jeter sent it back into right field for a double. Feel like an a-hole much?
The second was when Wainwright was caught by reporters after his 1-inning stint. He claimed he "grooved" the pitches to Jeter so he'd get a hit, "but if I knew he'd get a double, I might have changed my mind." And why, pray tell, would you admit to this if you had done it? How about because a) you thought you were going to get him on low ball pitches, of which one bounced in the dirt and the other bounced on the warning track, and b) you were cheesed because you followed up your "grooved pitch" with a triple to Mike Trout and a two-run home run to Miguel Cabrera? Final analysis, you got clubbed, you were pissed because you were thinking about all the "why didn't you start Kershaw" questions your manager was going to get, and you took it out on a classier individual than YOU'LL ever be. Soon after, your first statement dribbled down your leg as you explained to Erin Andrews that you were "misinterpreted". Were you speaking in Hmong? I'm glad it happened to you, though, the lowest class individual in an organization (the Cardinals) I despise anyway.
PS- Adam, I enjoyed your inning of work. Keep it up!
So then I thought, maybe a health update since so many of you fine people have commented and hoped for my recovery. But as I told one of you this morning, either the stupid thing passed and left a trail of infection, or it made it from kidney to bladder and it's waiting around for the right moment to strike. I made it from 3 PM yesterday to this morning without ibuprofen, which is the longest stretch since this all started. A good but not very entertaining story.
Then, I took Scrappy for a short walk this morning. The highlight was him getting in 2 poops between here and the office. Although, I can mention that when we went to bed last night, we watched five raccoons going one at a time from the dumpster to the woods.
Then finally, you hit a story that makes it all worth while.
Meet James LaCroix, a 53-y-o Captain America fan who broke into the Kennedy Compound in Hyannisport, looking apparently for KATY PERRY. He had been in the house for around three hours and was discovered when an "unidentified family member" called to see if his son was there and LaCroix not only answered, but IDENTIFIED himself.
Okay, I was gonna save this for a better day, but here's another one.
Meet 34-y-o Lessa Iannone, a petty shoplifter who stole $13 worth of underwear from a Dollar General and made her escape in an ICE-CREAM TRUCK. A local cop who knew that she a) drove an ice cream truck, and b) was a shoplifter, picked her up at her home. But at least she will have clean underwear for her jail stay, and we know how important that is.