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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.

SOCK IT TO ME BABY!!!

Monday, September 15, 2014

Martin world news

Before we get to the good stuff, I have a question.  My son was telling me how he wished he could be normal.  Not so much he himself, but he wishes he could have had a "normal" family- with a house, a mom AND dad, a family that sticks together.  He wishes he had two parents to bring things to, not just one and the other one "who doesn't make any sense."  My question is- how many of you had that?  Was it good, okay, crappy?  How many didn't?  How many with one parent that just didn't fill the bill?  I'd like to give him some cross section answers.  Help me out here!




That done, here we go...




ITEM:  You think it's easy to get an ID here?  Check it out in the land of 10,000 gods, courtesy BBC:

Authorities in India are investigating how Hanuman, the monkey god, has been issued a biometric identity card.
The card photo features the character from the Hindu epic Ramayana wearing gold and pearl jewellery and a crown.
It emerged when a postman attempted to deliver the card, but could not find a Hanuman at the address.
When he looked at the photograph he realised it was probably a prank. It is not clear who the iris scan and fingerprints on the card belong to.

The card lists Hanuman as "Pawan-ji's" son (the god was known as son of Pawan in Hindu mythology) and lists a mobile phone number and an address in the western state of Rajasthan.



Complete with iris and finger-prints and a mobile phone number?  Why does a god need a mobile phone number?



The local centre and the operator who issued the card will be identified and punished, deputy director general of UIDAI Ashok Dalwai said.
"This is a deliberate mischief on the part of the operator. He will be removed permanently and the enrolment agency will be penalised.
"The process of identifying the operator and the agency is on. It will not take time for us to identify. But I must also point out that such instances are few given the vast number of cards we process," he added.
India launched the huge national identity scheme aimed at cutting fraud and improving access to state benefits in 2010.

The scheme aims to issue an ID card with a 12-digit unique number to all of India's 1.2 billion citizens with details of their biometrics - including an iris scan, fingerprints and photographs.


And how many more do they need to get all the various gods and god-ettes?

THERE ARE SIX GODS AND FOUR GODDESSES IN HINDUISM:There is a Hindu belief that there are 330 million Hindu gods. This means that every Hindu can have a god, specifically designed for him.
However, theoretically, there can be just seven gods and seven goddesses in Hinduism. Practically, they are lesser. (From Answers.Com.)

So, that would be somewhere between 10 and 330 million.  But since the one that HAS one is one of the minor gods, one would expect that the bigger number is the correct one.



ITEM: Sometimes, you just have communication breakdowns.  Here are some examples.



I might have went with "Georgia man" in the headline, but by the looks of the first line of the story- "Nobody likes a stinky beaver"- I don't think the reporter was caring about double entendres.  Truth of the story, the dude dumped bags (plural) of rotting beaver carcasses complete with maggots in the parking lot of a mortgage company which had been "harassing" his family.


Another example:

 

Parking meters for motorcycle-only spots in Rome recently got the above messages posted on them, to remind people to... er, not to move the sun.

"Sole" is an Italian word meaning both "only" and "sun," while "moto" translates to both "motorbike" and "motion."

So the translator (most likely "La Google Tradurre") went oh-fer-two in picking the right definition.  And while I doubt the messages stopped solar motion... well, they probably didn't stop cars parking in cycle spots, either.

And yet another- what is the first shape you think of when you think "gummis"?  Bears, right?  Not in China- or New Zealand:



NZ firm recalls gummy candies with penis shapes

New Zealand company Dutch Rusk recalled gummy candies imported from China after some bags were found to contain candies shaped like penises.



Jack Van de Geest, managing director of sales for the Dutch Rusk candy company in Nelson, said the firm started importing mixed gummy candies called Dragon Sweets from a Chinese company about six months ago and complaints of penis-shaped pieces started coming in about two weeks later.
"When first someone told us we thought they were joking, it can't be right," Van de Geest told Stuff. "But they said no, it's honestly true so they sent us a bag. Then another phone call came a couple of days later and we thought, 'what's going on?' and got everything sent back."
Van de Geest said about one in every 20 or 30 bags of Dragon Sweets contains at least one or two of the phallic gummies.


In China they consider the shape a symbol of fertility (don't laugh, you know what we say about green M&Ms) and thus it's no biggie to find a gummi weenie there.



And how about this one?  Laurie caught the politically correct Greg Shoup, weatherman on a major metropolitan news station, saying we will have a "Native American Summer" this weekend.  Seriously?


Sorry- but all you get googling "Indian Summer pc cartoons" are clothes ads...
ITEM:  And where would we be on MWN with out sex? (stuck with drunks and Floridians, from the looks of previous posts, sorry Barb!)



Pair porn stars with charity work and it'll turn heads. Make it interactive, and it'll raise more than eyebrows.
Stop!AIDS, a charity in Japan which raises awareness of HIV and AIDS, holds a yearly event that puts Japanese porn stars in touch with their fans. But it's not a standard meet-and-greet. In exchange for a donation, participants can give the actresses a little squeeze.
The name of the live-streamed event, which ran for 24 hours on Aug. 30, translates loosely to "Boob Aid." Needless to say, images from the event contain nudity.



Sorry, if you want pics here, you'll have to use the links available at the HuffPost strange news for September 9th.

The event was a success, and a good time apparently had by all:

Actress Rina Serina told the Tokyo Sports newspaper before the event: "I'm really looking forward to lots of people fondling my boobs. I never thought my boobs could contribute to society."
Fellow adult film star Iku Sakuragi added: "It's for charity. Squeeze them, donate money – let's be happy." (From the Daily Mirror)


ITEM:  More sex:

CHELSEA, England, Sept. 11 (UPI) -- A sex toy designed in 1893 as a medical tool to treat "female hysteria" sold for more than $2,600, over $1,000 more expected, the British auctioneer said.
Christie's Kensington auction house in Chelsea, England, said the metal and celluloid vibrator designed by Dr. Benjamin Boyd fetched a total of $2,641 when it was auctioned Sept. 3 as part of the auctioneer's "Out of the Ordinary" sale.
The sum was about $1,100 more than the item was expected to fetch, the auction house said.
The item was listed as an "electrical instrument for medical purposes."


The lead item in the sale was an 11th century Viking broadsword that was expected to fetch upwards of $125,000- and failed to sell.  The vibrator?  That sells.  Go figure.


ITEM:  Next up is a couple of items for the less discriminating humorist.  Example one:


BOULDER, Colo., Sept. 9 (UPI) -- A Colorado city is inviting dog owners to bring their canine companions to a park for the second annual "There's No Such Thing as the Poop Fairy" photo contest.
The City of Boulder's Open Space and Mountain Parks Department said dogs and their owners are being invited to come have their pictures snapped Wednesday at the Sanitas Valley Trail between 7:30 a.m. and 10:30 a.m. to promote the city's new dog waste composting program.
The city said its photographers will provide backdrops and canine costumes, but owners are also free to dress their own pooches in any outfits they choose.


The idea being, of course, to raise awareness of picking up after your pooch.  The best-dressed doggie gets a $50 gift certificate, and a suitable for framing portrait of your in-costume pet.

Next, a less glamorous story:

(Courtesy the Daily Mirror) A teacher who took a gun to primary school accidentally fired her weapon while on the toilet - leaving her with serious leg injuries.
Luckily, the bullet missed her body but then hit the toilet bowl smashing it into bits and ricocheting bullet fragments and pieces of porcelain into her thigh.
The incident occurred during the early morning time at Westbrook Elementary, in Taylorsville, Utah, before any classes started and no pupils where present in the building, police said.

Now I've heard of having horses shot out from under you, but...  


ITEM: Finally, the 2015 Guinness Book of World Records came out Thursday, and among the new items:

- a California man whose tongue was measured at 3.97 inches, breaking the old mark of 3.86 and leading to a search of his family tree for giraffes- or Gene Simmons;

- an Englishman with 12,463 pieces of James Bond memorabilia;

- a Dane who invented a 14 feet, 5 inch golf club- who proved it worked by hitting a ball nearly 550 yards;

- the world's smallest usable camping trailer at 7 ft 11 in long, 5 ft high, and 2 ft, 7 in wide;
- most curse words in a movie- The Wolf Of Wall Street, with at least 687;

- most Facebook likes on one post- a pic Vin Diesel put up of him and the late Paul Walker, with 6.8 million +;

- a Japanese girl with over 8,000 pieces of plastic food;

- and Alley the cat, who managed a leap of 6 feet.



12 comments:

  1. >>... And how about this one? Laurie caught the politically correct Greg Shoup, weatherman on a major metropolitan news station, saying we will have a "Native American Summer" this weekend.

    Sheesh! Just when you think the Libs can't POSSIBLY get any more P.C.!...

    They shoot horses, don't they?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. As Roddy White said and later deleted, "Jesus help us."

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  2. I've always said "Native American Summer" just to be a smart-ass. Now you tell me someone says it seriously. Sheesh.
    I just hope no one ever refers to himself as a "European-American." Then, I'll be all out of snappy ripostes.
    Okay, not really.

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    1. Well, we do have Franco-American... at least we USED to...

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  3. I don't know what to tell you about your question posed at the beginning. The more secure a kid feels, the better. They want to know that there are some Absolutes in this world. Mom, dad, their bedroom, and a grounding if you break the rules.

    I guess I would say, "What can I do to make you feel better?"

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We have become pretty good friends and confidants over the years, but you can't make up for what he lost. I really wasn't so interested in advice as in how many have had similar experiences.

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  4. Hilarious! Very funny stories- all true! I laughed all the way through this post!!! :)

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    1. It's a mad mad mad mad world... which BTW was a great movie.

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  5. Chris:
    I'm a day late, but that did NOT diminish the LAUGHTER I'm suffering at this time...!
    It was worth the belatedness...seriously!
    ALL of these stories are AMAZING in their OWN right.

    Gummie man-bits, toilet-shooting, the "million-god march", POOP-fairy...Lord have mercy, they are hilarious beyond reason.
    The Guinness records are brilliant (if bordering on the extremely ODD)
    (I want that cat, too..lol)

    BTW...where is the world WE grew up in?
    THAT place seemed a lot more "normal".

    Excellent post.

    Stay safe (and relatively sane) up there, brother.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Bob, I wish I knew. I guess what happened was we raised a spoiled bunch of kids who found our world "boring". So they threw in thuggery, rap "music", idiotic fashions (which we would NEVER do), and a lot of selfishness. Our trying to give them better than what we had gave them somehow to expect less of themselves.


      Scrappy was disappointed when I told him he couldn't put a turd under his pillow for the Poop Faerie... hey, I sleep here too!

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  6. I've heard of shooting the tv but the loo? Its a mad world we live in for sure

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    1. And while sitting on it! That takes skill.

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