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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.

SOCK IT TO ME BABY!!!

Monday, October 6, 2014

Martin World News

Newly modified logo courtesy Bobby G.  Simi Valley, no need to investigate.


ITEM:  To the hacker that tried and failed to get into our FB page sometime after midnight last night, forcing me to do a password redux before work...  Go make friends with a Liberian, wouldja?


ITEM:  We open with a FoxNews poll that had as a main premise finding out how many people in each state would like to hop on the recent "I wanna secede from the Union" bandwagon.  Nothing real interesting there, but FN was for a change smart enough to ask the salient backup question:

Which states would you vote out if you could?What specific states would that be?



And our answers shouldn't be terribly surprising:

California- 53%
New York- 25%
Texas-20 %
Florida- 11%
Washington- 7%
Massachusetts- 6%

Our beloved Hoosier state was one of 13 with less than 1%.  Just think if we did this- No more New York City and the nanny state;  no more California, with Nancy Pelosi, San Francisco, and Jerry Brown;  No more Texas- half our border problem solved; Massachusetts, and no more Kennedys; and No more Washington= no more Starbucks!  (Oh and just for a certain someone- Arizona got 1%.)


ITEM:  Another new branch of al-Qaeda has sprung up, and the threat is... well...

Al-Qaeda in the Indian Subcontinent, the new group announced last week by Ayman al-Zawahiri to bolster his flagging fortunes, suffered a setback when three of its fighters were killed and seven arrested in its first ever terror attack.
Heavily armed militants attacked a naval dock in Karachi's sea port on Saturday night and targeted what they believed was an American aircraft carrier, but instead found a Pakistan Navy frigate and were overwhelmed before they could cause any damage, investigators said. 


Aircraft Carrier

Frigate
Ship in the desert

Ship of the desert


Okay, now that we have our terms straight for the terminally confused:


"It was a complete failure, they did not do any kind of damage, some were captured and we caught more, seven so far and may be more to come. They were well-equipped and came with the intention of taking a ship into their custody but they were caught in the initial stages," a senior source close to the investigation told the Telegraph.
Al-Qaeda in the Indian Subcontinent, the militant group unveiled by Zawahiri last week to demonstrate his clout despite the rise of Islamic State (Isil), claimed responsibility for the attack on Thursday and said former Pakistan Navy men had carried it out. 


So former Pakistani Navy men don't know the difference between an aircraft carrier and a frigate- or, for that matter, the American flag from the Pakistani flag.  (Clue:  The American flag has no green on it.  Or Arab writing, for that matter.  Glad I could help!)


ITEM:  This story is for all of us who are wondering why there is SO MUCH PRESS for breast cancer awareness and nothing for, er, "men" cancer:

Thomas Cantley wants to raise awareness about testicular cancer in the ballsiest way possible.
Cantley, 31, a fashion photographer by trade, is currently pushing a giant 6-foot ball across America from Los Angeles to New York.
He started Sept. 4 and is currently in New Orleans. If all goes well, Cantley, his dog Vader, and giant ball -- which he has named "Lefty" -- will roll into New York around Oct. 13.
The testicle trek isn't as nutty as it might seem at first glance.
"I wanted to do sort of a social experiment," Cantley told KSBW TV. "I didn't want to force myself on anyone, and what this does, it forces people to come to me, ask me, 'What is this, what's it about, it kind of looks like a testicle, what's going on?' It creates that conversation."


I considered a "Roll Tide" joke here, but they've had a bad enough week...

ITEM:  Ready for food stories?


#1- HONG KONG, Sept. 30 (UPI) -- McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong have unveiled the Batman burger, a comic book-inspired sandwich featuring a side of "squeezy cheesy fries."
....the Dark Knight-inspired burger features two beef patties, an egg patty, onions and two types of sauce.
The burger comes with a side of "squeezy cheesy fries" in a Batman-themed box and the eatery's new Sparkling Green Apple Tea.


IDK, I'm having a hard time seeing the connection here.  Unless the two sauces are "Bruce Wayne" sauce and ... No, just forget that.  Apparently though, they are going to eventually have an entire Justice League set of burgers, which was about all I could glean from their somewhat bizarre and slow-loading website.

#2- A group of four South Korean friends fed up with crisp packets that seem to contain more air than food decided to take their complaints to the manufacturer in an unusual way - by boat.
"We often feel ripped off when we find out how small the amounts are inside the inflated containers," one of the friends, college student Yoo Sung-ho, tells The Korea Times. To prove their point that there's too much nitrogen gas stuffed into the foil packs, the students built a raft by tying together 160 unopened bags of potato crisps. Then two of them stepped aboard and paddled it for 1.3km (0.62 miles) across the Han River, watched by nearly 200 spectators. 




The students say they never intended to start a boycott, but rather to encourage the chip makers to "laugh along, and listen to consumers' voices". They seem to have made their point. Orion, one of Korea's main confectionery companies, is promising to increase the amount of food in its snack bags - or reduce the size of the bags. 


Yeah, you can bet which one it'll end up being...


#3- A pub has stormed into the record books by serving up the biggest Christmas dinner on the planet - and it is already on sale.
The Duck Inn has officially been certified as providing the largest festive feast on earth in the 2015 edition of the Guinness Book of World Records.
Its gut-busting £35 dinner takes two chefs to prepare it and consists of a whole turkey, 175 trimmings and a pint of gravy and cranberry sauce.
The colossal 6,000 calorie banquet - which weighs a hefty 9.6kg - is already on sale two months before Christmas Day at the pub in Redditch, Worcs.
Bosses were told last week that their dinner was officially the biggest on the planet and will feature in the 2015 Guinness Book of World Records.


If challengers complete the meal in less than 45 minutes they receive a T-shirt, a certificate and a place on the pub’s prestigious Wall of Fame.
But the must finish off one turkey, 25 roast potatoes, 25 parsnips, 25 stuffing balls, 25 pigs in blankets, 25 honey roasted carrots, 25 sprouts, 25 pieces of broccoli and cauliflower.

It better already be on sale- it'll take till Christmas to eat the darn thing!  Where's Michelle Obama when you need her?

("Don't know.  Never needed her."  Bu-dum-DUM!)

ANNNNND #4- sort of-


HONDA, Colombia, Oct. 2 (UPI) -- Workers at a Colombia clinic said a woman inserted a potato into her vagina as a means of contraception and the spud grew roots inside of her.

Staff at a medical clinic in the town of Honda said a 22-year-old woman came in this week complaining of severe pain in her lower abdomen and attending nurse Carolina Rojas said she was shocked to discover roots coming out of the woman's vagina.
"My mom told me that if I didn't want to get pregnant, I should put a potato up there, and I believed her." the patient was quoted as saying.
Rojas said the potato had been inside the woman for about two weeks and was growing roots inside her.

Y'know, I thought we hit the bottom of stupid health tricks with the "doctor" who was giving butt jobs by injecting caulking.  I'd have to say a potato IUD tops that.  

(PS- I can see the follow-up report- "My daughter misunderstood me.  I said, if she didn't want to get pregnant, she'd better keep an EYE on her hootchie!")

ITEM:  Now for stupid animal tricks:

#1- This one's an old story, but still worthy:

A rampage by a feral pig that consumed 18 beers has prompted warnings for people at campsites to properly secure their food and alcohol.

The pig struck at the DeGrey River rest area, east of the remote Western Australian town of Port Hedland in the Pilbara, according to the ABC.

The animal was seen stealing three six-packs of beer from campers before ransacking rubbish bags for food.

One camper reported seeing the pig guzzling the beer before getting involved in an altercation with a cow.

"In the middle of the night these people camping opposite us heard a noise, so they got their torch out and shone it on the pig and there he was, scrunching away at their cans," said the visitor, who estimated that the pig had consumed 18 beers.

"Then he went and raided all the rubbish bags. There were some other people camped right on the river and they saw him being chased around their vehicle by a cow."


All true, and what's worse, there was a follow up story about two weeks later.  The pig- dubbed Swino by the press- had staggered out into traffic and became a bacon bump.

...a crew found the boar about one kilometer north of the site of his rest-area rampage. The government workers were able to confirm that the body belonged to Swino because of the distinct markings on his ears.
Rest in peace, Swino. May you have all the beer and cow chases you wish in piggy heaven.



#2-  This time, it's not the animal that's dumb:


SAPPORO , Japan, Oct. 2 (UPI) -- The Maruyama Zoo in Japan said zookeepers discovered repeated attempts to breed their two spotted hyenas were doomed from the start -- both animals are males.
The zoo in Sapporo said the hyenas, Kamutori and Kami, were born to different sets of parents at the Daejeon Zoo in South Korea in 2008 and 2009 and they were given to Maruyama in 2010 as a gift celebrating the sister city relationship between Sapporo and Daejeon.
Kamutori was labeled as a male and Kami a female when they arrived at the Maruyama Zoo and zookeepers were initially encouraged by the pair's behavior, often cuddling and frolicking together. However, relations between the two animals became frosty in 2012 and they eventually had be separated in 2014 due to constant fighting.
Officials said they performed some tests on the hyenas after they were separated and it was determined Sept. 26 that both animals are actually male.
Experts said the sex of hyenas can be difficult to determine because females can grow "psuedo-penises," clitorises that are nearly the same size as a male's penis.

Now THERE'S a real necessary evolutionary trait!

Evolution came up with this because it will one day be helpful when the female pigs become lesbians and want to start a relationship with other female pigs.  Nature's way of bringing the animal to it's most optimal state.

ITEM:  This one kinda has an animal element...

Sixteen men named Darth Vader have registered to run in Ukraine's parliamentary elections.
They're among a number of candidates vying for seats in the 26 October polls who have registered under the name of Star Wars characters - including Grand Jedi Master Yoda and Chewbacca.

Their bid is supported by lavish amounts of roadside advertising strewn across Ukraine. One billboard features Chewbacca promising to "slap the hairy hand of corruption". On another, Darth Vader speaks out against war, apparently referring to the long-running crisis in eastern Ukraine. Their campaign also involves other Star Wars characters in full costume, such as imperial stormtroopers. Gearing up for the elections, they donated blood to sick children in June. "Now Ukrainian children will have some blood from fearless Stormtroopers running in their veins," said one Darth Vader.

"Slapping the hairy hand of corruption"...kind of makes you wonder what Russia wants with them in the first place, don't it?
ITEM:  And just because one good Eastern European laugh deserves another:

A woman in Croatia startled onlookers by leaping several metres across a raised bridge in her car, apparently after missing a red light.
The movable part of the bridge in the seaside town of Tisno was raised at 2.5m (8ft) when the yellow Peugeot zipped up it and landed on the other side, the local news portal Sibenikin reports. The unnamed woman, 58, passed a red light that had just come on, according to bridge warden Tome Mejic Sidic. "I was shouting and gesturing her to stop but it was no use", he says. "She ignored me, went full throttle and flew across the bridge. I was convinced she'd overturn the car." The "jump" was captured on CCTV.

Another witness estimates the woman's speed at about 80km/h (50mph). "It sounded like a bomb had gone off," he says of the landing. "There was a terrible noise and all the airbags were opened by the force of the crash." The driver and her passenger came to a halt next to a cafe on the other side, unharmed. The woman reportedly later told police that she'd been blinded by the sun and hadn't seen the red light.


That would be her, hanging from the middle of the bridge.
ITEM:   Finally, some comment spam.  First, here's a hunk of a comment I enjoyed:


I tend not to drop a bunch of comments, but i did some searching
and wound up here "Comments on the Declan Sullivan death".
And I actually do have a couple of questions for you if it's allright.
Could it be just me or does it appear like a few of the
remarks appear like they are coming from brain dead people?



Actually, yes!


Here's another:

Hi there, just became aware of your blog through Google, and found
that it's really informative. I'm gonna watch out for brussels.
I'll appreciate if you continue this in future. A lot of people will
be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

Feel free to visit my blog; penis



Named yer blog "penis", huh?  Do you know Thomas Cantley?


Oh, and a slightly addled spam e-mail:


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previous administrators, I wish to inform you that thereafter
reviewing the obstacle and obligation surrounds the release of your
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against you by the previous administrators, thereafter paying some
enormous charges they imposed on you. Then your $4.5m has been
repackaged into consignment for immediate and onward delivery through
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it accordingly thereafter undergoing the clearance at your country.
Dr. Onu-Ego Okoye

 "A copy of my identity"?  Honestly, I guess I just should be more carefully about lefting my money (USDollars) in Africa.  Hopefully, Dr. Oingo Boingo can straighten me out.

12 comments:

  1. I am sorry someone tried to hack your Facebook account. It is probably a good idea to change your password regularly on all things. That said, I haven't changed my password here (Blogger) in a very long time. Hmm. Maybe I should take care of that.

    Even though it said less that 1% want Arizona to secede, it didn't poll AZ residents if they just wanted to leave the state. Period. Now that would be an interesting poll... ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I know at least two that would vote aye on that one... ;)

      Delete
  2. Hey, why wasn't I consulted? I'd vote Arizona out in a heartbeat... BOOOO.

    Also, if female hyenas can grow penises, maybe one day I can achieve my life long dream of growing wheels so I don't have to walk everywhere like a chump. Or maybe some gills so I can hold my head under the water when I shower without temporarily drowning. Come on evolution, where you at??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Evolution only works for primitive anthropithichids and their direct progeny, liberals. Ask the worm that evolved two legs- Idiopithicis Pelosi.

      Delete
  3. They really should throw Connecticut in there. Smack dab in between New York and Massachusetts, it has more than its share of loons.
    Incidentally, I'm surprised that the White House allowed that picture of Michelle to be used on a Russian billboard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was part of the latest nuclear arms limitation treaty. I thought you followed these things.

      Delete
  4. Chris:
    -- Hell, I just wanna secede from our "ghettohood"...LOL.
    -- Those so-called terrorists need to get a copy of JANE'S FIGHTING SHIPS on eBay...LOL.
    (maybe it's good they can't)
    -- I can buy into using chip bags to float a raft...I grocery shop AND know what NITROGEN is...lol.
    -- I'll pass on that Christmas dinner for the Guinness record book...and go with a tall GLASS of Guinness instead.
    -- A drunk pig? Helluva way to "marinate".
    (love the evolution photo)
    -- Ukraine and Darth Vader...guess Chernobyl affected MORE people than we thought.
    -- The email spam? Yes...ALL of those people ARE officially BRAIN-DEAD...and need to be reported to the FEDs ASAP.
    SPAM (at) UCE (dot) GOV

    Excellent report, brother.

    Stay safe (and relatively sane) up there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The bad thing about secession is some people mistake it for "transportation" or "teleportation". Secede all you want, your nation is still parked in the same old place. Or, as Rick Jones once put it, "No matter where I go, there I am."

      Delete
  5. Ok all in all this was another what the bloody hell post, a potato up the vagina, a batman burger and people who can't tell the difference between aircraft carriers and frigates or who don't what the American flag looks like makes one wonder why are there so many stupid people in the world really more people should shove a spud up themselves and prevent producing more idiots...........

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That last line may well become the new theme for this post...

      Delete
  6. This is all too much for my brain to process. But, when we are voted out to become our own country, I suspect there will be free healthcare for everyone, equal marriage rights, excellent education, and great fall foliage.

    And of course, an enormous deficit that we'll never be able to pay off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nah, they'll prolly charge ten bucks a leaf and wipe out the deficit just on the rural folk...

      Delete