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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Monday, February 23, 2015

Martin World News

Well, I have to say I was a bit disappointed in the ranks of the stupidly funny this week.  Not a lot to choose from... but, we shall troop on.

ITEM: I should leave a story like this to my friend Gossip Girl, who is much more versed in this level of hillbilly technology, but I couldn't resist.  From the Knoxville, TN, PD's Facebook Page:

Knoxville Police Department
Blinded by the Light...NOT!

Flashlights are NOT Headlights!

Flashlights are great for providing light at night, but not as vehicle headlights!

A Sweetwater resident was stopped not once, but twice in an eighteen hour period for driving his vehicle after dark while only using flashlights to light up the roadway. The motorist had strapped flashlights onto his bumper with a bungee cord. The motorist was first stopped at approximately 2:00 a.m. on February 2, 2015, in East Knoxville. The same vehicle was stopped by another officer at approximately 8:00 p.m. on the same day in North Knoxville. In both traffic stops the driver was cited for Improper Headlights, Violation of the State Registration Law, and Driving Without Insurance. 

Bungee-cording two flashlights to the front bumper of a vehicle is not acceptable as proper headlights and is very dangerous to the driver and other vehicles sharing the road.

Now, before you think about what a nitwit this guy was, keep these noted in mind:  1- The police OBVIOUSLY let this guy go at least once. 2- They allowed him to drive without insurance- in Indiana, don't we get the car IMPOUNDED?  It might be a great post about safety, but doesn't say much about the local constabulary...

ITEM:  Next up, Remember Indian PM Modi and his amazing suit that was pinstriped with microscopic repeats of his own name?  Well, I think he got his money back out of it...

An Indian diamond trader has agreed to pay 43.1m rupees ($690,000; £450,000) for a suit worn by PM Narendra Modi.  Winning bidder Hitesh Patel told BBC Hindi: "We will keep the suit at our factory and it will be a source of inspiration."

Critics attacked Mr Modi when it was revealed the suit was decorated with pinstripes spelling out his name.  He auctioned it along with hundreds of gifts he has received, vowing to use the money to clean the river Ganges.

Mr Patel said he entered the winning bid on behalf of his father Lavji, the owner of Dharmanandan Diamonds, a company with a annual turnover of $900m.  A rival bid for 50m rupees was rejected after narrowly missing the deadline of 17:00 (12:30 GMT).

No word on whether Hosni Mubarek is going to donate his suit to the Clean The Nile Fund.

But, speaking of clothes...

ITEM:  Canadian MP Pat Martin (No relation, I swear) had to hurredly leave during a one-by-one vote- because his underwear was too tight.

Mr Martin drew applause and laughter from the chamber when he explained his temporary absence.

"They had men's underwear on for half price and I bought a bunch that was clearly too small for me. I find it difficult to sit for any length of time."

The speaker of the house said he initially ordered Mr Martin to sit back down when he wanted to leave.

"I did not understand his explanation at the time and I am not sure I understand it now", he said.

Thank God it was a male MP.  Can you imagine a woman MP having this problem?  "Sources say the MP was tight-lipped on the subject..."

ITEM:  There's one in every Parliament, it seems.  This one is in the UK, but his target was Vladimir Putin:

An alien-obsessed councillor has claimed that Russia's President Vladimir Putin is being advised on the conflict in Ukraine by a race of of reptiles from outer space.  Serial sky-watcher Simon Parkes is adamant that recent hostilities in Eastern Europe can be put down to extraterrestrial intervention.

Specifically, he blames a group of alien reptiles he calls the Nordics for President Putin’s aggression in Ukraine.

Coun Parkes, who has previously laid claim to having ‘hundreds’ of alien encounters, was speaking to an audience of around 30 people in Wallsend, North Tyneside.

The North Yorkshire councillor, who represents Stakesby in Whitby, said the Nordics were supporting Putin against perceived American influences in the area.  He said: “Putin had been part of a group advised by reptiles. Nordics made a counter offer to Putin.

“The technology the Nordics are giving to Putin is on a par with America.  The Nordics have told Putin he no longer has to toe the American line, hence his resistance.”

He also told the audience at The Vault that, in the eyes of universal law, his legal father is a reptile.

Y'know, I'm surprised it was Putin he "outed", and not our friend, London Mayor and half-American Boris Johnson.

ITEM:  Book of lists, part one:  Gallup polled people around the country about whether employers in their state were hiring or firing, and used the difference betwixt as the indicator of "States with best hiring climates."  Here are your top five for getting you hired...

North Dakota

Indiana came in 14th here, and a quick look shows that the states from the old Big Ten (not including Rutgers and Maryland) all finished in the top 15- except for (surprise surprise) Illinois. which chimed in at #23.   The bottom five:

New Mexico
West Virginia

ITEM:  Book of lists, part two: In the UK (The Mirror is a usually great source for fun stuff), Diet Coke asked 1,000 women what their greatest regrets in life were.  The top ten:

Not trying hard enough in school, 34% (obviously didn't talk to my daughter... or her mom, in fact)
Not losing weight on their diet, 34%
Choosing the wrong career path, 32%
Not getting on the "property ladder" 22%
An unwise one-night stand, 21%
Not being spontaneous, 20%
Not being a good enough friend, 20%
Not being a better daughter, 18 %
Not being impulsive enough, 18%  (didn't this get covered in "spontaneous"?  Or "One night stand", for that matter?)
annnnnnd... Not travelling before starting a family, 13%

So that got me wondering if anyone had asked the guys this question.  And I found several of these surveys, and I just took the first one, on AskMen.  Yer top ten:

Not going after the hot girl
Not spending enough time with Dad
Ignoring health (jeez, they struck Martins there!)
Being a workaholic (sure didn't hit many there, though)
Not sleeping with all willing parties (wow, I would have thought "not finding any willing parties might have been bigger...)
Getting married too soon
Not splurging on a Badass car (I would think for most of us, you'd have to have "Making more money" on the list before this one came into play)
Not getting into a fight (WTH?  I was in a fight once.  Did me no favors.  Yes, I like how I look with a black eye and concussion, thank you)
Not staying in touch with friends
Annnnnd... not playing a team sport.

I think maybe I shoulda went with the next site....

ITEM: Out of the 46 international teams KC and I are following this season, the first ones out belong to me.  This would be the Debrecen team of the MOL Liga (Hungary and a couple others).  Debrecen
finished fifth of 8 at 16-19-7, and then got a quick bounce from the playoffs 2 games to one.  The team that beat them played KC's team, Miskolci- who swept them away in a 4-0 series.  Miskolci now awaits the other semi-final winner for the championship, which begins sometime in March.

ITEM:  Finally, a little bathroom "humor":

PROVIDENCE, R.I., Feb. 23 (UPI) -- A man who was thrown out of a Rhode Island bathroom by an explosion was able to walk away with only a bruised knee.
Jeffery Oppenheim said he was visiting friend Andrew Pessin in Providence on Sunday when an explosion threw him out of the home's bathroom.

"It happened in an instant like getting hit by a cannon," he told WLNE-TV.

Pessin was in the kitchen with his sons, ages 9, 7 and 5, at the time of the blast.

"I was in the kitchen with my kids and immediately smelled the burning smell and we just picked them all up and ran out of the house," he said.

Pessin said he went back inside the home for the boys' coats and shoes.

Oppenheim said he suffered only a bruised knee from the incident.

"I'm just very grateful it was me in there and not one of the Pessin children who are little. They could have gotten killed," he said.

The cause of the explosion was unclear Monday.

Another lesson learned about eating at Taco Bell...


  1. Did the MP wear tighty whities or boxers? I wonder.
    I could see the urge to take a bra off. They get uncomfortable as the day goes on...You know what I mean? ha.

    1. If he had boxers that tight... he really needs to let the wife do the shopping. And can't say that I've actually worn a bra in several years, so I'll take your word for it.

  2. Chris:
    --If I had the time, I could show you ALL the laws on the books in just FORT WAYNE...that go basically UNENFORCED, so it does come down to the local police to do what they have been hired to do...simple as that.
    --Bet'cha most clothes in India can walk THEMSELVES to the nearest river (did I say that out loud?)
    --Funny about the PM - it used to be something like READING THE LABELS!
    --Aw, geez, not with those SPACE-reptiles again...
    Anyone in the know (and a Whovian) already KNOWS they're NOT from space...they live far under the Earth's crust and are called SILURIANS.
    --I;m sure Alaska will jump a LOT "higher" (no pun intended) as they become the THIRD state to legalize MJ (and they already have problems with alcohol and drivers).
    --I though the FEMALE list would include "not getting to know BOB better"
    As for the MALE side?
    *Ignoring health...agreed.
    *Depends on how one defines a "badass" car...I like my dinosaur...!
    Not getting into a fight? That is the MOST dumbass item on that list.
    talk about your "OY!" moments.
    --Eating at Taco Bell (sure), then creating green houses gases and lighting a match?
    (could be...)
    Hey,I EAT cows...trying MY best to save the planet from all those farts...heh.

    Good report.

    Stay safe & WARM up there, brother.

    1. Have to say, yours was the most convincing anti-vegan argument I have heard so far...

  3. Okay, the first thing I have to stress is that I live in North Knoxville and it was not my car that you referred to in your post. Glad we got that out of the way. LOL.


    1. Now, isn't yours the car often seen with the lampstand out the driver's side window?

  4. I hadn't heard to story about the Prime Minister having his name sewn into his suit - I think that's awesome! A bit narcissistic but super clever.

    And to think I was worried about my headlight being out for a few day. I never thought about using a flashlight….maybe I could have gotten away with it.

    1. Yes, Mr. Modi made MWN a few weeks back, when he was seen hugging Obama wearing the ego-booster suit. That's when we discovered Mubarek had one, too.

  5. What the hell who tires a torch to the front of their car to use as a headlight................some people have nuts for brains......

    1. Yes, and they are the ones that keep me in business.