Whoever it is, I gleaned a double dose this week, so hang on....
ITEM: I saw this one last night on the legit news. Many of you (and I'm sorry, Jo-Anne, I know you don't like sports) have heard the ordeal that soccer's (or football if you insist) governing body, FIFA, is going through. For those who don't: They were a bunch of crooks, they tipped their hand trying to award a World Cup to a country that can't even grow real grass, seven members of said governing body were arrested, and the newly re-elected president resigned three days later (kinda makes me wish I lived in FIFA). Now, on top of all that, this past weekend marked the American debut of a movie about FIFA's history, called United Passions (which might explain a little about what happened next. The movie, which was budgeted at $26 million and change, opened at ten theaters and took in...
...wait for it...
Ten screens, $60 a theater. One of which sold exactly one ticket. Along with the dismal performance came my new favorite movie review of all time:
The Village Voice called it "not merely ham-fisted, but pork-shouldered, bacon-wristed, and sausage-elbowed".
The voice went on, in a review titled, "Dribbling Nonsense", to say:
....Yet the major players uniformly fail to bring their A-games. A porcine Gérard Depardieu is unusually and frustratingly restrained as mild-mannered World Cup originator Jules Rimet. Sam Neill is epically miscast as Brazilian João Havelange, who served as FIFA president from 1974 to 1998. Havelange is the closest United Passions comes to a three-dimensional character — a faintly Machiavellian figure with a deep-seated desire to globalize the sport. Yet Neill gives him a comically distracting Liam Neeson–from-Taken accent and the leering air of an uncle with a dark secret. And what to make of poor Tim Roth, who appears as Sepp Blatter, the Swiss watchmaker who ascended the ranks to succeed Havelange? Roth looks mortified to be involved, and no wonder: His character’s most heroic moments include securing sponsorship deals with Coca-Cola and Adidas — events at which the terminally un-self-aware Auburtin clearly intends for the audience to cheer.
As propaganda, United Passions is as subtle as an anvil to the temple... The script is essentially a press release with speaking parts and exposition.
And finishes by applauding FIFA on its incredible sense of timing. As do I.
ITEM: Stupid human tricks:
PORTLAND, Ore., June 5 (UPI) -- Police in Oregon said a homeless man allegedly masturbating in a portable toilet with the door open had to be rescued after witnesses reached their tipping point.
Portland Police said the 48-year-old man was freed from the overturned portable toilet Thursday morning at the Eastbank Esplanade after witnesses said they became fed up with the man opening the door and flashing his genitals while pleasuring himself inside the toilet. "[He] was flashing us over and over again and we asked him multiple times and told him to stop and he wouldn't," a witness told KATU-TV. "Our friend thought it would be funny to get up and jump behind the porta-potty and kick it."
Police said the man, who was trapped when the commode tipped over door-side down, was covered in feces after his rescue.
They said the man was not arrested or cited.
"Physically, he's fine but he had a crappy day," said Willie Halliburton of the Portland Police.
Bringing us to what might be a new regular feature on MWN: The wit and wisdom of Willie Halliburton.
Seriously. This dude is a cop AND a stand up comic. Don't believe me? Read it here.
|Willie Halliburton Comic Cop has his own FB page...|
And honest to God, I didn't know this until I went googling for a picture. This "regular feature gag" might end up happening...
ITEM: In case you thought the only thing funny about tools was Tim Taylor...
LUDWIGSLUST, Germany, June 1 (UPI) -- German police responding to a report of an armed mob walking along a rural road found a group of people armed only with asparagus picking tools.
Police said a "concerned citizen" driving on a rural road near the city of Ludwigslust called authorities Saturday to report an armed gang walking along the road. Four squad cars and two unmarked police vehicles responded to the scene and police spokeswoman Stephanie Naedler told NBC News the officers discovered "a group of 10 to 15 people armed with knives and sticks" and determined they were a group of asparagus pickers walking with their tools.
The knives on wooden poles are used to harvest white asparagus, which is a popular harvest item in Germany during May and June.
I was really going to have something funny to say about my lack of love for asparagus, but then I read the town's name again...
|Well, I can't prove it was lust, but King Ludwig did buy her the horse...|
ITEM: Looking for the perfect Father's day gift?
ELMORE, Ohio, June 2 (UPI) -- A pair of French silk panties being listed for $7,500 at an Ohio antique store purportedly once belonged to Eva Braun, Adolf Hitler's wife.
The high-waisted undergarments, which bear the monogrammed initials "E.B." and come with a certificate of authenticity, were spotted by a Twitter user for sale at a store called Mantiques in Elmore.
Bill Panagopulos of Maryland auction house Alexander Historical Auctions said he could not speak to the authenticity of the panties in Scarango's possession, but rumors about Braun's underwear have been circulating for some time.
Something about that last line... "Have you heard the latest about my panties? Why, a friend told me that they were just seen last week in Goering's pillowcase... wait till Adolph finds out..."
ITEM: Wrapping things up, I found a story about odd ways to meet your death. Included in them were a guy who tried to stop his snoring by putting tampons in his nose (um, the box probably said, "absorbent"...), a guy who suffocated when his son pulled his underwear up over his head and twisted (death by wedgie), a couple who met their end (possibly literally) when their sexual escapade led to their rolling off a roof and falling 50 feet, a burglar who had his large flashlight in his mouth to keep his hands free when he fell through a roof (and guess how he landed), and a dude that lost sight of his remote control plane in the sun and so directed it to where he'd see it better- right between the eyes at 40 MPH. But my favorite on the list had to be this one:
When a dog fell out of a 13th floor window in Buenos Aires in 1983 it landed on a passing pensioner and killed her.
Onlookers gawping at the 75 year old victim were hit by a bus, and a second woman was killed.
Then a male witness to both tragedies suffered a fatal heart attack.
Which goes to show you, always keep your pet on a leash, and don't gawk at a bus stop.