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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Thursday, December 31, 2015

And one last time, 2015

So I decided to do something a little different for the last post of the year, but what?  I considered Googling "best _ of 2015" and "worst_ of 2015", and seeing what I got.  What I got was a LOT of movie lists (A lot of different opinions on "best", but worst was pretty universally John Travolta in The Forger), album lists (Rolling Stone surprised me by having Adam Lambert's The Original High at the top, while had Bullet For My Valentine's Venom as the worst, just ahead of Pope Francis' Wake Up!), cars (Cosumer Reports had the best individual car as a Tesla Model S P85D- which runs about $105 K and does 0-60 in 3.5, while it rated Lexus as the best brand and Fiat the worst), and other categories that got lazily listed "in no particular order."  One of the more curius categories were best company logo changes of the year, and while I can see why Merck's change got rated worst...

...I really don't get Google as the best, sorry...

So I considered trying to forge something meaningful from my stats.  But unlike Wordpress where you get those nifty stats-for-the-year reports, you have to beat Blogger with a club and reconstitute the debris to get anything meaningful on a yearly basis.  I was able to glean that I had 44,245 pageviews this year- some 25% of my career total.  And the peak was in July, during the great "French Spammers try to swamp me" crisis, which roughly doubled that month's pageviews.

So I thought of doing a best comments deal like RawkinRobyn does, but she has far more patience (or an easier method of keeping track than I do.

Then, it hit me- the Best Of Martin World News!!!!

So I went through each MWN for my favorite stories, and now, here for you, are the best ten:

#10- You'll go to hell with pregnant hands, May 27th:

ITEM:  You know, there are about a million reasons why I hope that Islam is wrong about everything.  Here's one:

A Turkish televangelist advised viewers recently that men who masturbate would have to deal with “pregnant” hands after they died.

According to Hurriyet Daily News, a 2000 TV viewer told Muslim preacher Mücahid Cihad Han on Sunday that he “kept masturbating, although he was married, and even during the Umrah [pilgrimage to Mecca].”

Han warned the man that Islam viewed masturbation as a “haram” or forbidden act.

“Moreover, one hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,” Han opined, according to the translation provided by Hurriyet Daily News.

“If our viewer was single, I could recommend he marry, but what can I say now?” the televangelist noted, adding that the viewer should try to “resist Satan’s temptations.”

Spock will have siamese twins...
Many of Han’s 12,000 Twitter followers responded by mocking him.

“Are there any hand-gynaecologists in the afterlife? Is abortion allowed there?” one person asked.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me!” another Twitter user wrote. “The only men not having pregnant hands would be the ones without hands.”

I wonder what that means for those who use other "personal sexual devices"...

9- And that's why you have Earthquakes, from June 8th:

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - A government official blamed the recent deadly earthquake in Malaysia on a group of 10 foreigners who "showed disrespect to the sacred" Mount Kinabalu by posing naked at the peak last week.

Sabah Deputy Chief Minister Joseph Pairin Kitingan said a special ritual would be conducted later to "appease the mountain spirit."

The foreigners, who included two Canadians, two Dutch and a German national, broke away from their entourage and stripped naked before taking photos at the mountain peak on May 30, officials have said.

Five of the tourists are believed to still be in Malaysia and will be barred from leaving on the offense of gross indecency, according to police.

Here they are, in the process.

Okay, I'm not sure which one deserves my attention more- "nude hikers cause quake", "nude selfies on top of mountain", or "appease the Mountain Spirit".

8- From December 21st, Don't be shooting that thing in here:

ITEM:  Of course, this doesn't touch the double whammy of alcohol and legal marijuana that is Colorado, and thus...

ADAMS COUNTY - Adams County Sheriff's Office got a call about a man with a gun in Lulu's Inn in Watkins Friday morning.  Deputies evacuated the building and set up a perimeter in the 33300 block of East Highway 36.  One person was detained until it was determined that the person only had a mic stand, which was mistaken for a gun.

According to police, the person was in a band who was scheduled to play Friday night at Lulu's. A waitress saw the mic stand and thought it was a gun and reported it.

Because mic stands look SO much like guns... and how was she to know that her workplace might feature musical acts?

7- And once the guns are under control, then the chickens, from April 6th:

ITEM:  Our next fine, upstanding woman is Ashley Sies of Lexington, KY.

Ashley was apparently under the influence of drugs when she went to the home of Patricia Leese and began strangling her with a bra.  Yes, with a bra.  But it gets better.  As the pair (who didn't know each other previously) struggled, Patricia got a hold of and beat Ashley unconscious with a nearby ceramic chicken.  Yes, a ceramic chicken.  Patricia then locked herself in the bathroom and called 911.  The local police whisked Ashley away to face, of all things, first degree BURGLARY charges.

6- Form March 9th:  It always worked for Clark Kent...

ITEM:  You may have already heard this one, but still so very worth it:

LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) — A man in Lincoln, Nebraska, has been cited for possessing pot inside a container that had been slapped with a label reading: “Not Weed.”

The Lincoln Journal Star reports that Lancaster County deputies stopped the man’s vehicle around 9 p.m. Saturday.

Officers found the plastic sour cream container during a search of his car, and the driver acknowledged that the pot belonged to him.

He was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving and cited for having less than an ounce of marijuana.

"I don't know...I thought I was being funny." Jason Meier told the Smoking Gun. "Never thinking it would be confiscated."

 Do we really want to re-visit those claims about MJ not causing short-term brain damage, Colorado and Washington?

5- From the year's first MWN, back on January 5th:  Not safe for toybox...

ITEM:  In case you missed this one (it was pretty popular on FaceBook), the first of the "not a good toy for Christmas 2015" reviews is out...

Play-Doh is pulling a toy used in a popular playset for children after parents barraged the company's Facebook page with complaints claiming the toy is shaped like a penis.

Images and complaints about the toy, included in the company's Sweet Shoppe Cake Mountain Playset, flooded social media after parents gifted the set to their children during the Christmas holidays.

Sweet Shoppe Cake Mountain??? Looks more like... well, being a family show and all, let's just say that a simple "Adult Playset" sticker could have prevented all this.

"We have heard some consumer feedback about the extruder tool in the Play-Doh Cake Mountain playset and are in the process of updating all future Play-Doh products with a different tool," Play-Doh said. 

And your first new slang name for the male body part for 2015?  "Extruder tool."

4- From last January 20th:  Sex Ed, Swedish Style:

ITEM: In oh-so-progressive Sweden, sex ed for kids has taken a turn... and they are fighting a battle with YouTube censors to show it:

"Snoppen och snippan," from SVT public television kids' show Bacillakuten, features cartoon penises and vaginas bopping along to a song featuring lyrics such as, "Here comes the penis at full pace," and "the vagina is cool, you better believe it, even on an old lady. It just sits there so elegantly."

I was going to just do the story, but the cartoon is just TOO funny....

3- From just this past week: the fruits of Common Core math:

ITEM:  Since I know moist of my Indiana peeps already have run into this, this goes out to the rest of you.

There was a historic metal strut bridge near Paoli, Indiana.  Read: was.

On December 25, 2015, on or about 1200 hours, Mary Lambright, 23 year old female from Fredericksburg, Indiana was driving a 2015 Volvo Semi Truck with a 53 foot box trailer containing 43,000 pounds of bottled water. Ms. Lambright stated her intentions were to park her semi in the parking lot of the Paoli Wal-Mart. Lambright entered the square from East Main Street and missed the exit heading to Wal-Mart and exited onto West Main Street. Ms. Lambright then turned left onto Southwest 1st Street in an attempt to turn around. She travel down Southwest 1st and turned left onto South Gospel Street. She made several attempts to turn left on to South Oak Street but was unsuccessful. Ms. Lambright was aware of a parking lot further north on South Gospel Street and determined she could turn the truck around in the lot to get back to Southwest 1st Street. When she approached the parking lot she discovered it was full of heavy equipment and could not use it to turn around. Ms. Lambright was aware of the iron bride stating she had driven on it several times in her personal vehicle and was also aware of the posted signage “no semis, weight limit of 6 tons”. When asked by Paoli Police why she continued through the bridge knowing the weight limit was only 6 tons she admitted to not knowing how many pounds that was. She was advised the weight of the vehicle at the time of the crash was close to 30 tons. Ms. Lambright stated she wasn’t comfortable backing the semi up and made the decision to try to go through the bridge. When the semi entered the bridge the trailer immediately began ripping open due to the trailer was taller than the top of the bridge. As the vehicle continued the weight of the vehicle caused the bridge to collapse. Ms. Lambright and her 17 year old female cousin, who was also in the vehicle, exited the vehicle and were unharmed. Ms. Lambright received her CDL endorsement on 5/12/2015. She currently works for Louisville Logistics out of Louisville, Kentucky. The vehicle and trailer were hauled to Wilcox wrecker service out of Salem, Indiana and is being held pending an inspection by the Indiana State Police.
Agencies/Companies involved in this incident are;
Paoli Police, Orange County Sheriff Department, Paoli Fire and Rescue, Paoli Town employees, IU Health, Wilcox Wrecker Service, Hankins Corvette Sales, and Kendell Trucking
Ms. Lambright is cited for the following;
Indiana code 9-21-8-50, reckless operation of Tractor-Trailer, a class B misdemeanor
Indiana code 9-21-8-41, disregarding a traffic control device, a class B infraction
Indiana code 9-20-7-1, overweight on posted bridge.

So let's sum this up:  A 23-y-o adult didn't know that 43,000 pounds might possibly be more than 6 tons, and because of that, a 100-y-o bridge is destroyed.  You see why I so love stupidity?  Because it can so easily be overcome, you cannot have stupidity without plain laziness.  Enjoy your next career, Mary.

2- From June 9th:  The sweeping epic that nobody saw...

ITEM:  I saw this one last night on the legit news.  Many of you (and I'm sorry, Jo-Anne, I know you don't like sports) have heard the ordeal that soccer's (or football if you insist) governing body, FIFA, is going through.  For those who don't:  They were a bunch of crooks, they tipped their hand trying to award a World Cup to a country that can't even grow real grass, seven members of said governing body were arrested, and the newly re-elected president resigned three days later (kinda makes me wish I lived in FIFA).  Now, on top of all that, this past weekend marked the American debut of a movie about FIFA's history, called United Passions (which might explain a little about what happened next.  The movie, which was budgeted at $26 million and change, opened at ten theaters and took in...

...wait for it...


Ten screens, $60 a theater.  One of which sold exactly one ticket.  Along with the dismal performance came my new favorite movie review of all time:

The Village Voice called it "not merely ham-fisted, but pork-shouldered, bacon-wristed, and sausage-elbowed".

The voice went on, in a review titled, "Dribbling Nonsense", to say:

....Yet the major players uniformly fail to bring their A-games. A porcine Gérard Depardieu is unusually and frustratingly restrained as mild-mannered World Cup originator Jules Rimet. Sam Neill is epically miscast as Brazilian João Havelange, who served as FIFA president from 1974 to 1998. Havelange is the closest United Passions comes to a three-dimensional character — a faintly Machiavellian figure with a deep-seated desire to globalize the sport. Yet Neill gives him a comically distracting Liam Neeson–from-Taken accent and the leering air of an uncle with a dark secret. And what to make of poor Tim Roth, who appears as Sepp Blatter, the Swiss watchmaker who ascended the ranks to succeed Havelange? Roth looks mortified to be involved, and no wonder: His character’s most heroic moments include securing sponsorship deals with Coca-Cola and Adidas — events at which the terminally un-self-aware Auburtin clearly intends for the audience to cheer.

As propaganda, United Passions is as subtle as an anvil to the temple... The script is essentially a press release with speaking parts and exposition. 

And finishes by applauding FIFA on its incredible sense of timing.  As do I.

And my #1 story of the year.... from October 5th:

ITEM:  Winner, world's dumbest criminal disguise 2015

Come with me to Apple Valley, CA, where the local Battery Mart was broken into.  The first thing that went wrong for our perp was he pulls up in clear view of the security camera, in daylight while the store was closed.  He exits his vehicle sans disguise, looks in the glass door, also in clear view of the camera.  Then, he dons his disguise, breaks the glass in the door and enters.  His disguise?

...he stuck a maxi-pad over his eyes.  I guess at least it wasn't used.  No sense being a bloody idiot, eh?

There you have it!  Have a happy and SAFE New Year's Eve!


  1. Just dropped in to wish you a...

    Scrappy New Year!

    I am thankful that you and I got together this year, good buddy. Looks like we have found a formula that's works for us:

    Music + Humor (- Politics) = Friendship

    I look forward to following you and welcoming you back to SDMM in 2016.

    Happy new year to you and your family, Chris!

  2. Chris:
    Can't take anything from you here...priceless stories - ALL of them!
    ("you mean not worth anything, Bob?" he said)
    Um, okay, if YOU say so...LOL!

    Just plain EPIC, my friend.
    (thanks for this year's memorable moments (and one great fall day)

    Have a fantastic New Year.
    (BTW, I like Shady's "SCRAPPY New Year" moniker better, actually).

    Stay safe & gunfire-free up there, brother.
    See 'ya NEXT year.

  3. Well this was a post made me shake my head, have a laugh and think what the hell is with some people and for all that I thank you

    1. You are very welcome. I thought about adding to the post "how many times I made Jo-Anne say ' What the hell' ".

  4. I'm not more patient than you, Chris. I have a lot fewer posts (100 for the year) and more time (and other things not to be mentioned) on my hands.

    Tell me, they pulled that playdough toy. Where'd they pull it out of and put it? I'm wondering if I can get ahold of the unused ones...?

    Happy New Year, friend.

    1. Think they were sold to Omar's Ramadan Party Favors of Abu Dhabi, UAE. The whole thing was seriously under burkha, er, cover.