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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.

SOCK IT TO ME BABY!!!

Monday, December 14, 2015

Martin World News



ITEM:  Today, we're going to feature several inter-locked stories.  Here's a fine example:

ITEM 1A:  Only America is prejudiced, right?  Guess again...


Laura Gratton was a 24-y-o Australian lady applying for an apartment in Edinburgh, Scotland.  She was abit shocked at her rejection letter:

"Hi Laura,
It is well known in Europe that Australians are racist. In fact around the world your people are famous for this.

Just as France is famous for wine and cheese. Australia is famous for its drunks and racists. I'm sorry I need to reject this request."

Which is funny, since the OECD lists Australia and the UK as tied in per capita consumption of alcohol, while WHO has the Aussies slightly ahead. Not to mention a Scotsman accusing another nation of being drunks. The Scottish government estimates it to be the 8th-heaviest drinking nation in the world, and its people buy nearly one-fifth (ironic, yes?) more booze than the rest of the UK.  Not sure how they stand on the racism charge, though it might be noted that the UK hasn't had a "native population" problem since 1066.


ITEM 1B: As if in reply to the last story...

Former serviceman Peter Barker, 45, necked nine pints before stripping off near Nottingham's Old Market Square and running into a crowd of women assembled in the square.

Little did he know the group was actually gathered for the Reclaim The Night rally, which was raising awareness of violence against women.

The demo, which took place on October 24 was attended by about 100 women and children.





Apparently, Mr. Barker was at a stag party and thought it was more like 4 AM than the 8 PM it really was.


And if drinking in the UK hasn't been fully enough covered, ITEM 1A had a tidbit about an Irish teacher applying to teach in South Korea was rejected because the Irish were known to be drunks.  Which, bringing up the Irish and drinking...


ITEM 1C:  Mayo County is trying to cut down on drunk driving and rowdiness with a plan I'm just positive would be a smashing success here....

Nightclubs in an Irish county are attempting to prevent guests from participating in shouting and other disruptive behavior by handing out free lollipops at the end of the night.

The lollipops, which feature a sticker reading "Get home safely" will be distributed at Mayo County nightclubs in hopes that patrons will be unable to shout or otherwise cause a ruckus with the sugary treat in their mouths.



Screw that sucker, kid, gimme the bottle!
(From Mr Owl's Drinking Problem on YouTube)


Of course it would work here!  After all, you can't fire a gun with a lollipop... in... your... uh, never mind.


ITEM:  Next, a couple stories why I do NOT want a hoverboard for Christmas:

SEATTLE, Dec. 9 (UPI) -- A Seattle mall was evacuated when a hoverboard "exploded" at a kiosk -- the second such incident in recent weeks.

Shoppers at The Outlet Collection said an employee at a kiosk selling the self-balancing scooters called hoverboards was demonstrating how one works when another of the boards suddenly exploded.

"It just exploded -- just combusted into flames for no reason," Kelli Steiner, who recorded video of the fire, told KOMO-TV. "The alarms went off. Smoke everywhere. Just a really strong smell."


Followed by....

CHAPPAQUA, N.Y., Dec. 10 (UPI) -- A Westchester County, N.Y., house fire has become the latest blaze to be blamed on a hoverboard spontaneously bursting into flames.

The Chappaqua Fire Department said one of the two-wheeled, self-balancing scooters, commonly called hoverboards, caught firefight while charging in its owner's living room.

The fire department said the fire was quickly extinguished, but it caused a charred floor and smoke damage.


Followed by....


LAFITTE, La., Dec. 1 (UPI) -- A Louisiana mother said her house caught fire when her 12-year-old son's new hoverboard started shooting off flames while charging.

Jessica Horne of Lafitte said her son received the self-balancing scooter as a birthday gift Nov. 20 and he had only used it for one day before she spotted flames coming from the device while it was plugged in to charge the battery.

"It was like fireworks," Horne told WGNO-TV, "the middle part of the board -- just 'poof.'"


Followed by...

GULF SHORES, Ala. — A man in Alabama says his new hoverboard scooter caught fire under his feet just three days after he got it.

According to WKRG, Timothy Cade, of Gulf Shores, Ala., said his new hoverboard was too hot to handle after it became engulfed in flames while in use.

“I came outside turned it on, came down the sidewalk not even a 100 feet, and it exploded,” Cade said.


Coincidence?  Or are these boards all cleverly designed forgeries, designed by IS as mini IEDs in our homes?


(That was a joke.  To help stop IS, join Project IS, brought to you by Tilting At Windmills!)


ITEM:  Next, the road to Trump.

First off, you followers of international news may know that a Turkish newsman was tried for comparing President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan to Gollum from Lord Of The Rings.



Easy mistake, there.  Well, another one may be in the offing, as Harry Potter author JK Rowling says The Donald is worse than Voldemort.



Of course, the problem may lie in the fact that The Donald's liberal detractors don't really live in the same reality as mainstream humanity.  For example, check out the sign placed in front of a house about to be demolished...


"Trump sold me this house- what's he selling you?"   Apparently, he is selling the same thing the sign's creator is:

The owner, who plans to eventually have the house demolished, said he allowed his son to install the sign and he will allow him to replace it after it was stolen Thursday night.

The property owner told WCNC-TV the sign is meant to be taken as a political message, but it isn't factually accurate -- to the owner's knowledge, the house has never been owned by Donald Trump.


So a "bill of goods" is inappropriate- unless it's YOUR bill of goods.

So in summary, I guess Rowling is merely saying that Voldemort would be an HONEST realtor.


ITEM:  Next, a music twofer:

First up, the Moranbong Band, a girl band from North Korea that mainly does propaganda tunes for Kim Jung-Un, was unceremoniously yanked from a goodwill tour of China.




Chinese media gave the vague excuse of  "communication issues at the working level".  Whatever that means.  But blogger ScoopWhoop speculates that it was another case of Kim's hurt feelings-


On Sunday, South Korea's Yonhap news agency said the North Koreans may have cancelled the show after China decided to send a lower ranking delegation in protest over Kim's apparent claim last week that the North possesses a hydrogen bomb.

The Yonhap report cited an unnamed source quoting an unnamed Chinese government official as saying the North had initially requested an audience that included President Xi Jinping or Premier Li Keqiang. China agreed instead to send a politburo member, but then decided to send lower-ranking officials.

And because Kim didn't get the audience HE deserved, he once again picks up his balls and jacks and goes home to pout.  But never fear, because your Humble Author here has found a perfect substitute:




Allow me to present the Singing UN Ambassadors.  Here we have Denmark's ambassador on bass guitar and the representative of South Korea on drums, alongside ambassadors from Serbia, Tonga, and Thailand. The band's lead singer is the head of the UN's office in Belgrade, Simona Miculescu, who also co-wrote the lyrics to a song meant to "ignite people's hearts with the soft power of music".

The peace themed song, set to be released for the UN's 70th anniversary, will have a b-side cover of John Fogarty's Rocking All Over The World.  And no, it will NOT be making an appearance on the Martin 10.


ITEM:  Finally, two stories from the "you've said it all" dept.-


First, in a very Donald-like performance, Vladimir Putin takes out Turkey and Allah in one shot:


“We are not planning to engage in military saber-rattling (with Turkey),” Putin declared. “But if anyone thinks that having committed this awful war crime, the murder of our people, that they are going to get away with some measures concerning their tomatoes or some limits on construction and other sectors, they are sorely mistaken.”

But what he said next has Muslims extremely upset.

“All in all, dear colleagues, I do not understand why they did this,” Putin said. “Perhaps only Allah knows.”

Then he went farther…

“It appears that Allah decided to punish the ruling clique of Turkey by depriving them of wisdom and judgment,” Putin joked.


Well, Gollum never was presented as wise...


Second, in a story so dumb it tells itself...


UNITY TOWNSHIP, Pa., Dec. 9 (UPI) -- Police in Pennsylvania said a former cab company employee accused of burglary was easily identified by his sweatshirt, which has his name printed on it.

Investigators said surveillance footage from the Veterans Cab Company in Unity Township shows a man breaking in through a window Dec. 2 and stealing money, two revolver handguns and two iPhones from the business.

Lou Falbo, owner of Veterans Cab Company, viewed the security footage and identified the suspect as Joshua Jording, 26, a former employee of the company. Falbo said the identification was made easy by Jording's sweatshirt, which has the name "Josh" printed on it.

"I had to chuckle a little bit, because you never know who you're dealing with, I guess," Falbo told WTAE-TV. "The face looked familiar. Once I saw the sweatshirt and the name on it, it made it all the more clear who it was."


If you blow that up, it is a sweatshirt with the victimized company's logo on the left and "Josh" on the right.



10 comments:

  1. Chris:
    There is simply NO making this kinda stuff up, right:

    Those hoverboards need some SERIOUS testing...one would think (but those marketing them did not, obviously).

    I know that the libtards live on BIZARRO WORLD, but Trump is pretty much someplace else as well...maybe the EMERALD CITY? (pay no attention to the man behind that curtain).

    Very good report.

    Stay safe up there, brother.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here's the thing about Trump, though- He's the one the GOP leadership is trying to push out. Give us a GOP-sanitized candidate- either Cruz or Jeb. The more this goes on, the more I'd like to see a third party candidacy tear the party to shreds so good men might rebuild it. I hear Carson's mad enough he might try it.

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  2. The idea of handing out lollipops at the end of the night is a good one. Would it work in America? Not sure. I have a feeling a lot of people would end up with candy stuck in their hair, but still, a good idea to try.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In Fort Wayne, I guarantee they would be nothing but a safety hazard (thrown on floor for people to slip on) and health hazard (attracting lollipop-eating rodents to the parking lot). You have to take into account two factors- one, the IQ of the patrons of the club (Fort wayne skews the average pretty badly) and two, that IQ at bar time. Better Idea- have the cops collect keys on the way in, pass 'em out on the way out.

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  3. Maybe those hoverboards are exploding because they aren't really hoverboards. I mean, they don't hover, do they? And after questioning their own existence for many a long night, finally they can't take it anymore and BLAM.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After the anger blow up on your page, I am beginning to think we should have a talk with you two about fireworks...

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  4. This Aussie doesn't drink much and I am not racist I don't like all people who treat me badly regardless of race, just saying

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I honestly don't understand where this dude got all those ideas either. Other than Fosters' ads. I think Australia is light years ahead of us on racism- and apparently light years ahead of the UK in stereotyping.

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  5. That kind of sums up the Irish government, to be honest.

    My family is from Mayo. When faced with budget problems in Achill Island, you know what they elected to get rid of? The police. The nearest police station is now an hour away. HOWEVER, the town pays for a free bus service from the pubs and night clubs, so no one has to drive drunk.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is interesting... Again, never would work here, unless the buses doubled as ambulances.

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