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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.

SOCK IT TO ME BABY!!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Martin World News



I'm beginning to think we need a better class of idiot this year, because the in-basket is looking so light, I see a couple of stories I tossed in and forgot about.  To wit:

ITEM:  Now here's a solution to the nation's problems...


(From BBC) US police have arrested a man who allegedly plotted to kidnap one of President Obama's two pet dogs.
Officials say Scott Stockert - who is from the state of North Dakota - was planning to snatch one of the dogs, either Bo or Sunny.
Police in Washington DC found weapons in Mr Stockert's vehicle, including a shotgun, a rifle and a machete.
Agents say he made several outlandish claims during his arrest, including that he intended to run for president.
He also said he was the son of former President John F Kennedy and actress Marilyn Monroe, according to court documents.


Yeah, you can see a lot of Marilyn in him...


ITEM:  Whaddya expect, it's a fricking desert!

Visitors to a new Dubai attraction have been left disappointed after it failed to deliver the expected thrills.
Dubai City Slide is a 500m long "slip and slide" but sweltering temperatures and poor water pressure meant that at times the slide was almost completely dry.
Visitors on Friday were asked to leave and were refunded the 170 AED ($46, £30) entry fee.


If you ask me, $46 is a lot for a WET slip'n'slide.  But, it's a seller's market in the UAE...


And now, back to somewhat newer stories...

ITEM: The most unlikely of us can be heroes.  Take this gentleman from Australia...




This is James Ross-Munro.  He and his buddy were sloshed and just sitting around one night as they watched the occupants of that white car break into a service station.  While one filmed the incident, James grabbed the keys out of the getaway car, and then proceeded to chase the would be criminals down the road on foot.  They did manage to get away... but not in the style and comfort they expected.  All because they weren't smarter than the average drunk.


ITEM:  Next up a pair of stupid human trick, female edition.  First, a woman gets into a hairy situation.  A woman who goes by the internet title of  "yourmomiswatchingthinkbeforeyoupost" tried to do a how to of giving oneself a cold wax treatment.  But as it turns, she should have watched one instead of filming one...


She took a cold wax kit out and explained "you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off".
Instead of rubbing them together, though, she used a hairdryer to heat the wax.

She explains: "I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad."

Please with her progress, she continues, quipping that she is "She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire".


Her test session having gone OK, Yourmomiswatching moved on to a more intimate area.

"I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek," she recounts.

After inhaling deeply, she pulled the strip and suddenly she says she was blinded by the pain.

"I think I may pass out," she says, but suddenly she realises there is no hair on the strip.

"Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not!

"I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

"Then I make the next BIG mistake."

Worried about what action she needs to take, Yourmomiswatching puts both feet on the floor - and instantly regrets it.

"My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’

Sadly, this was not the answer, as her buttocks soon became affixed to the bottom of the bath.


Eventually she decided to use the lotion that came with the kit, use it to not-very-gently remove the wax- and toss the kit and use a razor.


"Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point."


At least it made her vlog popular- the episode is well into its second million hits.  Anyone out there for a guaranteed pubicity- oops, I mean pubLICity stunt?


ITEM:  #2 involves getting something you didn't expect in a delivery- as well as something you didn't see...


A terrified woman dialled 999 (UK version of 911) after spotting a huge poisonous spider in her home that had left her trapped.

The petrified woman believed the creature had travelled from overseas to her home in Wiltshire along with a furniture delivery.

But when a police officer arrived at her house he discovered the creepy crawlie was in fact a piece of dust.




Finally, a pair of "stupid government tricks"...


ITEM:  And we fly out to visit our wild and whacky friends in Tajikistan to see how to properly stamp out radicalism...


Police in Tajikistan have shaved nearly 13,000 people's beards and closed more than 160 shops selling traditional Muslim clothing last year as part of the country's fight against what it calls "foreign" influences.

Bahrom Sharifzoda, the head of the south-west Khathlon region's police, said at a press conference on Wednesday that the law enforcement services convinced more than 1,700 women and girls to stop wearing headscarves in the Muslim-majority Central Asian country.

The move is seen as part of efforts to battle what authorities deem "radicalism". 

Last week, the country's parliament voted to ban Arabic-sounding "foreign" names as well as marriages between first cousins.


Despite attempts, I was unable to learn if radicalism is higher in the 25 US states that allow first cousin marriage.


ITEM:  Meanwhile in Denmark, the government is taking definite action- but nobody knows why...


Politicians in Denmark say they're baffled by a finance ministry order for all state institutions to count how many flagpoles they have on their premises.
An instruction was sent out earlier this month telling officials to complete a spreadsheet with the results of their count, but no clear reason was given for the flag census, the TV2 website reports. Now MP Pernille Skipper, of the leftist Red-Green Alliance, has submitted an official request for information to the Finance Minister Claus Hjort Frederiksen, asking him to explain what it's all about. The minister is required to answer within three weeks.

One Danish newspaper tried to solve the mystery last week by calling - with a touch of good humour - a host of politicians to see if they knew what was going on. While some offered theories, most said they had no idea.

Shortly after the order was given, Liberal Alliance MP Henrik Dahl described it as "the most moronic thing I've heard in years". He told the Danish Broadcasting Corporation: "The year is still young, but when we get to 31 December it will still be a candidate for the most stupid piece of bureaucracy."


In true American fashion, the whole affair is being called "flagpolegate".


I read the news today oh boy 
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire 
And though the holes were rather small 
They had to count them all 
Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall...

6 comments:

  1. Chris:
    ROFLMAO...Good Lord...you simply cannot make this stuff UP!

    ---Yeah, that wacko looks SO much like Monroe...it's not funny (but his rantings sure are). He's gonna be a hoot at the mental facility.
    --A DRY slip N slide? In DUBAI?
    Why even BOTHER to open the facility if you don't have the WATER top hose the ride down?
    (dumbass camel-jockeys)
    --Guess alcohol has found yet ANOTHER use in Aussieland?
    --That woman w/ the cold-wax debacle...guess reading any and all INSTRUCTIONS wasn't part of her "plan"?
    (smart phones & stupid people)
    --Love the spider-meme...
    Personally, flame-throwers ARE a bit much. A Bernz-O-Matic propane torch works just as well, and is "street-legal"...lol.
    (as is a rolled up newspaper)
    --What puzzles me about the Tajikistan police is WHY they didn't try that COLD-WAX treatment on YouTube (that got over 2 mil hits)...!
    --Denmark concerned about POLES?
    I'm sure Poland doesn't give a rip about DANISH (maybe some babka?).

    Excellent report.
    Thanks for the smiles at the "Fortress".

    Stay safe & warm up there, brother.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And now I have two regrets: one, I didn't make the cold wax/Tajik connection, and two, that I didn't make the Danish/Polish connection. Maybe I need a ghost writer, lol! Great stuff.

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  2. These were all great but of course the dippy woman waxing her hoo-hah was hysterical. Leave that part to the Brazilians!

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    Replies
    1. You know, there are plenty of Ronco devices that you can get 2 for $19.99 out there without resorting to this...

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  3. Yeah I saw the clip of that woman and year it was bloody funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I looked for it but decided it was best that I not find it...

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