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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Martin World News

ITEM:  Hello, blog world!  We have been basically off-line since the Super Bowl kickoff, thanks to the many weaknesses that Java has to exploit.  And one of them was exploiting into replicating itself on a continual basis.  But thanks to the good folks at A+ Computers, we are back in the pink of electronic health.

Unfortunately, this was just the cost-involved part of a series of problems- some of which I will get into on another post- which included me and a bag full of Day-Quil pills this weekend, and a Monday down with the Green Plague and NO computer to share it with (because apparently I already had)!

Now then, I am excited to do this next story, not just because I find it amusing, but because I have a special guest-reporter on it!

ITEM: From Medical Daily:

A New York dispensary will offer kosher certified marijuana starting in January. Vireo Health of New York, one of the five companies permitted to grow the cannabis, has received their certification from the Orthodox Union (OU).

Now in the interests of religious sensitivity, I have turned comment on this story to MWN's top Jewish correspondent and published author Robyn Alana Engel:

"Thus, as shabbat commenced, a small band of Orthodox rabbis convened in Times Square, accompanied by the Doobie Brothers. Rousing 'Mazel Tovs' and 'L'Chaims' were heard for miles, as special, kosher brownies were broken and shared. Herbie Potturginstein, an innocent passerby is quoted as saying "Dude, yo, high, go Jews!"

Robyn, in addition to being an ace correspondent (and much too sweet to mention that the Doobie Bros were singing, "Moses is just all right with me"), is the author of a fantastic book that still stares at me from the bedroom floor* after I finished it within days of receipt called Woman On The Verge Of Paradise, available now for just 1,035.95 Rubles, 822 Rupees, or 85.44 Yuan!

*Why does it "stare at me from the bedroom floor"?  "Cause she's so darn cute!

ITEM: Okay, we have found the BEST way of picking your Presidential candidates- well, not really, but I did find two fun ways to rank them!  First off, we all know that he who spends the money gets the spoils (Jeb apparently excluded), so here's a list of the candidates by wealth, from Forbes:

11- Marco Rubio
10- Bernie Sanders (I would have thrown in the "Feel the Bern" thing, but it makes him sound like an old Perv, and we all know the Old Perv is campaigning for Bernie's opponent)
9- Chris Christie (who may not win campaigning all over the country, but will be a shoo-in for a guest shot on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives)
8- Ted Cruz
7- Jim Gilmore (is he really still running?)
6- John Kasich
5- Good ol' Jeb
4- Ben Carson (That health care racket really pays)
3- Hillary Clinton (Surprising that after a quarter-century of fleecing the nation she isn't even the richest WOMAN)
2- Carly Fiorina (Who made her money the old fashioned way- Golden Parachutes)
1- Not surprisingly, The Donald.

The other, far more important list- which candidate has spent the most money on PIZZA!

- Carly Fiorina, who apparently has spent bupkiss on pizza.  There went my vote!
- John Kasich
- Marco Rubio, who spent over $40,000 on food from April through December- but only just under $300 on pizza.
- The Donald, who is the first candidate in 4 figures at around $1,200.
- Chris Christie, who beat The Donald, but not by much.  In a quick look I was unable to determine what his donut expenditures were.

- Ted Cruz, whose pizza bill doubled Trump's.
- Bernie Sanders, who's first over 3 grand.
- Jeb Bush
- Ben Carson
- Hillary, whose campaign beat Carson's 3-quarter total in EACH of the last two quarters, downing over $9,000 worth of pizza.  I'd never vote for her, but I wouldn't mind a job on the staff...

ITEM:  Another good friend way down by Indy found a story from my own back yard:

FORT WAYNE, Ind. (WANE) – For fantasy football players, they all know there are highs and lows throughout the season. The high is a championship.  The low? Just ask John Zarse.

Zarse finished dead last in his fantasy football league this season. The stipulations in the league are the winner gets to pick what the loser gets as a “consolation prize.” And Zarse got a public shaming.

On Sunday afternoon, Zarse stood at one of Fort Wayne’s busiest intersections in a football onsie and a sign.  The sign read, “I am the worst at fantasy football.”

Zarse stood at Coldwater Road and Coliseum Boulevard taking his lumps and letting everyone know how his season went.

Just so you know, in our league that would have been me.  That's why it ain't happening.

ITEM:  If it ain't real, just fudge a little...

  This is an old school desk, with the initials carved into it- "JFK".  It has claimed to be the late President's school desk.  But is it?

The story begins in the 1970s, when the wife of a former Choate teacher offered the desk to the school. Choate turned down the offer, knowing the desk wasn't authentic: The style of desk wasn't in use during the time Kennedy attended, from 1931 to 1935.

The woman then donated it to the Kennedy Presidential Library Museum.  Somehow, she got a letter writer that was allegedly a school chum of JFK's to vouch for it, and it went on display- until 1993.

But in 1993, Lee Sylvester, Choate's archivist at the time, told the museum the desk certainly was not Kennedy's.  Sylvester wrote in a letter to the library, "We should have taken the thing when it was offered to us and burnt it on the spot!"

So into storage it goes.  But wait!

But in November the desk re-emerged, with museum officials saying it was among items never before displayed. (Current Choate archivist Judy) Donald emailed museum curator Stacey Bredhoff.

Bredhoff said the desk's history was news to the museum's staff. They weren't aware of the 1993 correspondence, and the person who replied to the letter no longer works at the museum. Even veteran staff members didn't recall the desk having been on display.

So now, the Library Museum once again knows it's a fake.  What do they do?

The museum has since updated the description that accompanies the desk. It says, "The desk, which comes from Choate, is presented here to evoke Jack's life as a high school student." 

Much the way my linen sheets evoke Caesar's toga.

ITEM:  Did you know why you shouldn't rob photo booths?

BATAVIA , Ill., Feb. 5 (UPI) -- Police in Illinois were able to identify the suspect in a photo booth theft after the machine was activated during the robbery.

The booth at Funway Amusements captured photos of the suspect who pried open the machine's cash drawer and stole $75 in cash and caused $75 worth of damage, according to Batavia police department.

The flash shoulda been yer first clue...

ITEM:  And with a final odd twist, the BBC Store released a list of the books Britons are most likely to lie about having read.  Do people really still do that?  Truth be told- I have read several of the books Brits lie about reading- The Lord Of The Rings trilogy (#3), The Great Gatsby (#18), Catch-22 (#19), and Catcher In The Rye (#20, and believe me I wish I hadn't).  OUtside the Tolkien fantasy, here's the rest of the top ten:

10- Pride And Prejudice
9- Crime And Punishment
8- David Copperfield (I tried once as a wee lad, but it was putting me to sleep halfway down the third page.  Prolly have a better shot at it now...)
7- To Kill A Mockingbird
6- The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes
5- Anna Karenina
4- War And Peace (Yeah, Tolstoy got two in a row, but Dickens had 4 of the top 20)
2- 1984
1- Alice's Adventures In Wonderland.

Also in the list were the Harry Potter series, the 50 Shades trilogy (there were 3 of 'em?), and of course The Diary Of Anne Frank.

And that's it for this week, it's dinner time!


  1. People lied about reading 50 Shades? I'd have thought they lied about not reading it. I laughed at those pizza expenses and thru much of this post. I bet Al Penwasser has the digits on Christie's donut investment. No? Then again, he eats them so quickly, it's likely very hard to track.

    You're the best, Chris. Thank you for all the compliments and flattery and suggestion of "Moses is just alright with me." Why didn't I think of that? That's awesome.

    Hope all anti-virus strategies you've tried worked wonders.

    1. I won't pretend to know what strategies work. Computers are only semi-domesticated. For example, I am supposed to get e-mail notification of all prospective comments. As you can see, you commented well before Bobby. However, my e-mail notified me a mere 3 minutes after his comment was published, and I still have no e-mail from yours. I think Hillary got to it.

    2. True story about 50 Shades.
      I saw a copy in my classroom (yeah, no kidding) shortly after it came out. It was upside-down on the desk. But...still. I looked at it, laughed, and told the teacher I had a talent for picking up any "dirty book" and immediately finding a "good" part (hey, I am a man, after all). I had heard it was an erotic"ish" kind of read, but really didn't realize how much of a "housewife porn" it was (by the way, I've been granted liberal use of quotation marks for this comment). Well, I picked it up and flipped to a section. The VERY FIRST WORD I saw was "nipple."
      I went out and bought my own copy.
      By the way, I should be finished with my next book, "Fifty Shades of Penwasser-It's Not What You Think" sometime late spring.

  2. Chris:
    I can see the headlines:
    "Computer virus spreads to humans."
    (or is that vice-versa?)
    ---Depends on WHERE those pizzas were purchased (for me).
    ---The WORST at fantasy why even bother to play?
    ---STILL shaking my head over that school desk...
    ---The jackass thief - only in Low-information people at their best...!
    ---As for those books., read 1984 (we're now kinda living it, aren't we?)
    Also read Catcher in the Rye (sorta sucked a lot from what I remember)
    Catch-22 wasn't all that bad for an "anti-war" wartime novel.
    And I've read ALL the Sherlock Holmes books (I still HAVE them, too)

    Very good report.

    Stay safe & warm up there, brother.

    1. Boy did I let out a war-hoop when I heard that I'm not the ONLY one who thought Catcher In The Rye sucked! Of all books that I actually finished, that was easily the most pointless.

      I loved C-22... a bit like early MASH.

      The joke on worst player ever is he took his league's championship the year before. The problem when you do a 1-2-3-4-4-3-2-1 style draft- you're the top guy one year, bottom the next, and the guys in the middle are stuck there forever.

  3. Ok have to say what the hell is with kosher certified marijuana, what the hell is the world coming to................

    I never lie about reading books I just don't get why anyone should lie about books because not all books interest me and that is ok I don't interest all books and yes I know that makes no sense, what ya gonna do

    1. High, Jo-Anne. =) I honestly don't know what the difference is between kosher certified marijuana and the regular stuff. CW gave me too much credit as a top Jewish correspondent. But some of my peeps are very, very observant. If they need medical marijuana for pain, they are very likely rejoicing to learn about this, because it can help with pain management. If others want to simply say they smoked kosher certified marijuana, that's a different story. I say: Go Jews, but that's just what I like to say. And I don't know why anyone would lie about reading books either, unless they were ashamed to admit that they -for example- read 50 Shades.

    2. According to the story, it wouldn't have to be kosher certified if just dried and smoked. But regulations require cannabis to be liquified into an oil and infused into something else. This infusion process, apparently, is what causes the need for certification. But all of that technical stuff makes it a boring story, so it was a better move on my part to let Robyn paint mental pictures of Rabbis with bloodshot eyes stumbling around New York looking for a Nathan's stand.

    3. You're a good Gentile, Chris. Who needs infusion and liquidation for a rowdy night of clumsy half-naked horah dancing in Times Square?

  4. And, lo, Moses said from on high, "Duuuuuuuuuuuuddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! Try the latkas!!!!!"

    1. Note my last comment on Robyn's FB repost...