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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Newspage go!

Okay, so let's see if I can find some fun headlines like last week.  Gotta be better than outclassing antagonistic commenters who don't know when they're well off, right?

From Fox News

NY Dem: 'Every racist in America voted for Donald Trump'

I have 1,000 words to say to that:

Wyoming woman caught shoplifting claims she's studying kleptomania

Now, THERE'S a brilliant excuse.  Prolly a Berkeley prof, yes?

Shark sightings on the rise? What you need to know

I live in Indiana.  I need know nothing.  Unless they've changed the stocking rules at Lake James.

From the BBC:

'Facebook blasphemer' given death penalty

See what happens when you mouth off about Zuckerberg, people?

From CNN:

Why Jeff Sessions says he can't talk

How can he say it if he can't talk?

Opinion: Will any Republicans halt Trump's march toward autocracy?

Which is not only funny for its premise, but when you combine it with the header just 2 lines later:

Katy Perry says he's the 'one who got away'

"Damn straight I did!"
Trump follows Bill Clinton playbook

Hence the sexual harassment charges.

Oprah is definitely not running for president

Well, thank Bob!  I was so worried....

From The Guardian:

Professor trampled to death by cattle in East Sussex

A spokescow said, "Blame US for global warming, will you?"

From Xinhua:

Flood hits northern India due to continued rainfall

Well, that makes more sense than "famine due to continued rainfall," I guess...

And since you can't directly get on the North Korean news agency website anymore, how about some of their tweets:

DPRK News Service‏ @DPRK_News  11h11 hours ago

 Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un mediation of international Qatar crisis delayed by arrival of eminent personage Dennis Rodman in Pyongyang.

Oh, well, hey you gotta make time for Dennis...

"Mummy," by US senator from Canada Ted Cruise, is named worst film of already horrific film career.

How many errors do you spot here?

(BTW: this is NOT made up.  I've go to follow this stuff!)

DPRK News Service‏ @DPRK_News  Jun 10

 Adam West is pronounced leading Bat Man of modern era, due to rigid ideological correctness and wholesome demeanor with children.

Holy rigid ideological correctness, Batman!

DPRK News Service‏ @DPRK_News  Jun 9

 DPRK Programmers develop algorithm predicting paths of large objects through atmosphere.

US Programmers model physics of women's breasts.

And which would YOU want to subscribe to?

DPRK News Service‏ @DPRK_News  Jun 9

 Noted Impotent Russophile Donald Trump feebly attempts to twart investigation by volunteering to defiantly perjure himself in US Show Trial.

HOW on earth do you TWART an investigation?  By covfefe, of course!

This feed is just loaded with laughs... let me pick just one more good one for tonight.  But I think I may have just found a new regular feature...

DPRK News Service‏ @DPRK_News  Jun 9

 After incorrect statistical prediction in UK Election, English Idiot Piers Morgan derided as a filthy hog, eating from its own buttocks.

Nothing but class, these guys...


  1. Chris: those "thousand words"...!
    ---Definitely from Berkeley.
    ---Lake James...HA!
    ---Don't thank ME for Oprah not running...not my fault (or credit).
    ---Rainfall and flooding...funny how that works, isn't it?
    ---((Ahem)) "eminent personage"? Rodman???
    ---too many (and don't need to be in print)
    ---Holy you get it, Chris!
    ---Well, if the planet were to be hit by very large breasts (in the atmosphere), I might have to ponder that one a bit.
    ---Maybe a TWART is a tweet that was thwarted?
    (wow, say THAT 5 times fast)
    ---Never knew Piers was into self-gratification in such a manner.

    Goes to show you can never tell what's comin' down the pike NEXT, hmm?

    Excellent post.

    Stay safe (dry AND cool) up there, brother.

  2. Ok some of these made me think what the hell like twart, I don't know what its suppose to mean but in my family a twart is an idiot just saying.....