Some of you may have noticed that I haven't yet put up a Sunday Message this year. They'll come in God's time, but right now I am in a "growth spurt" for lack of a better term.
I have made progress in myself by writing some things down- things I don't intend to share. But they have helped me see some of my problems in a different light.
One of those lights is the light of fear. I'm one of those people who hear the sermons on fear and anxiety and say, "That doesn't apply to me, at least not anymore." WRONG. A while ago a preacher mentioned that there were 366 "fear not"s in the Bible- which means that would make a really great devotional. Me being me, I began to seek them out. And I learned that fear is indeed a problem. Fear of letting go of certain sins because IF I let them go, I could rise to a new level- and that would be scary.
Another is the light of frustration. I mean needless frustrations, like yelling at my machine or computer screen at work. Now, yelling at inanimate objects is a long-term habit of mine. When I was 4, I fell on my butt running through the kitchen because I slipped on a throw rug on the linoleum floor. I picked up the rug and shook it, screaming, "Don't you know I'm a PEOPLE?" 12 years later when Mom died, I made sure one of my first acts was to escort that rug to the burning barrel.
I constantly shout, "Really?" at my machine when it does something "stupid". I flip off dropped objects on their way down to the floor. And recently, I learned that that begins the frustration train rolling. It treks then to yelling at myself, then God, then other people, and never once is there anything real to get upset about.
So in other words, I am learning about my triggers. Add "boredom" to the list and you have the troika of my constant downfalls.
And I am trying to do something about them. Admitting fear was a big help. Breaking myself of talking to inanimate objects is starting to as well. Boredom is still a challenge. I don't need more activity as much as an "off" switch for my brain.
And I am learning I have more "image constructs" of myself to tear down. For example, I have told myself a lot that I am good at prayer time- but when I hear stories of what really dedicated prayer warriors have done, I am shamed. I have found myself having to require "kicks in the butt" to pray about certain things, and that needs to change.
The pastor I was listening to today is teaching his congregation that it isn't about "doing"- doing the things you think are expected of a Christian- but "being"- being more like Christ, in action and attitude and everything else. "Be more, do less" is the mantra, and he's right. We all look around for something to do, some way to give, and sometimes it boils down to we're trying to prove to ourselves that we're being obedient- rather than being obedient and acting as Christ would.
He also brought up a quote about humility not being about thinking less of yourself, but more about others. Man, do I suck at that! But that's going to change, too. God willing.
I guess maybe this was a Sunday Message- to myself. I should copy it and tack it to the wall. I do that a lot, too.