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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Newspage go!

So here's one I haven't done in a while- pick the potentially dumbest headline on a news site's front page- without regard to the story itself, unless it proves dumber than the headline.  Although with some news sites- notably BBC and Deutsche Welle- it would be easier to do a "What can we blame on President Trump" than anything going on in THEIR nations.  Anyway, let's see what we found...

BBC Headline #1

"Spike Lee Tells The World To Wake Up".  As you might guess , another anti-Trump rant. Like Charles Barkley said on the March Madness commercial- "...and Spike is known for... uh, being Spike."  In other words, buddy, I've been up.  How bout you?

BBC Headline #2:

" 'Feel Good' Factor Boosts Forest Growth".  Some study from Finland says that forests around the world are reversing their losses because "When a society works properly then deforestation automatically seems to disappear, and society reaches a sort of a balance with the forests. Once a country has a decent life, they do not deplete forests they want to protect them. When livelihoods come from other sources not subsistence farming then marginal lands are abandoned and people just leave the forests to grow back." 

Yeah, and I noticed that they plead trouble getting data from Brazil and the Congo.  They might want to talk to Spike on this one.

Fox Headline #1  

"Nevada woman fatally stabs roommate for talking during TV show, police say".  And the family is calling it an accident.  Because the couple has always had anger issues, and she's threatened him with a kitchen knife before, but she didn't MEAN to kill him.  No word on what the show he was talking over was, but I'll bet he'll never say "I dare you" to a woman with a knife again.  In fact, I'll guarantee it.

Fox Headline #2

"HAWAII VOLCANO EMITTING DANGEROUS LEVELS OF SULFUR DIOXIDE, RESIDENTS COMPLAIN OF ASHFALL".   Okay, you have lava rolling towards your house.  You have poisonous gas ready to sweep down at you at extremes of both speed and temperature.  AND you're worried about having to garage your car and sweep your porch.   So, is there like an Ashfall Committee you report 'unfair volcanism' to?  On a related note:

Fox Headline #3:

"Hot selfies? People posing for photos with lava in Hawaii, frustrating officials".    But not for long...

Xinhua Headline

"Reading season inauguration ceremony held in China's Zhejiang".  READING season?  They have a season for reading?  How many books are you allowed to bag?

Moscow Times Headline

"Russia Tells UN There Are No Gays in Chechnya".  And why would the UN want to know that?  Mainly because the gays that USED to be in Chechnya have been run out, imprisoned and tortured, or the ever-convenient "disappeared".  When family complained to the UN, they had an investigation, and found none.

Pravda Headlines

I had forgotten just how much propaganda ran in Pravda.  Various examples:

A Trump-blasting piece that starts with, "Washington's three main European vassal states, Britain, France, and Germany..."

An article on how the less-than-manly Ukrainians were shocked when an advertiser stopped using blue liquid to demonstrate how absorbent the latest menstrual pad is and started using bright red blood-like liquid in "an educational campaign in Ukraine titled "This is normal," the purpose of which is to remove taboo from the topic of menstrual cycle."

Another quoting BiBi Netanyahu as calling Erdogan of Turkey "A specialist in slaughter."  Which if the shoe fits...

And finally, "London will beg Moscow for forgiveness".  I'd be holding my breath on THAT one...

CNN Headlines

"Is This Island The Next Iceland?"  Didn't know we needed a new Iceland.  But apparently tourism guru Anthony Bourdain thinks so.  So, since we need another island covered in ice, full of volcanoes, out in the middle of nowhere, with enough political scandals to just about sink their entire banking industry, well, Newfoundland, you are elected.

(PS  spellcheck had Bourdain highlighted and I figured, yeah, I prolly messed that up.  The first choice spellcheck gave me to fix it was "birdbrain".  So I was close.)

"Prom isn't a fantasy, it's a reflection of our (racist) reality".  Just because some idiot kid in Florida ( the new capital of stupidity) asked for a prom date with a sign that read, "If I was black, I'd be picking cotton, but since I'm white, I'm picking you", now ALL proms are racist.   Hey, I never went to mine...

MSNBC Headline

"Trump reportedly calls Sean Hannity before bed most nights".  Aw, that's sweet.

Japan Times Headline

"Indonesian family that bombed churches described as friendly, well off".  Yeah, Dad and the boys go to one church Sunday, Mom and girls go to another, all blow themselves up.  A LOT more friendly than a handshake or washing feet...

Deutsche Welle Headline

"Kaspersky to move from Russia to Switzerland after spying allegations".  Because that'll make me trust them SO much more.  BTW, your protection sucked, lying down and dying every time it hit something tougher than it was.

And Finally, from London's Telegraph

"Pilot 'sucked halfway out' of plane after windscreen broke at 32,000 feet – how often does this happen?"  Actually a legit question, after a co-pilot and a passenger have been sucked out of planes the last couple of weeks.  Apparently, the windshield fractures are more common than one thinks- but as for actually getting sucked out of the plane, that...



What in the... oh, you'll have to excuse me.  I seem to have a guy in uniform on top of my shed...


  1. Chris:
    Been missing this spot of late...
    --Spike - well said, Sir Charles!
    ---Loving your forests - HA!
    (they could try that in FTW, too)
    ---That NV couple sounds a LOT like "The Bickersons" next door to us...they gotta be related!
    ---I think they already have an "ASHHOLE" committee there...just sayin'
    ---Human douche becomes human TORCH?
    ---Reading season...yeah, gotta be a "limit" there. And is a LICENSE required?
    ---Chechnya surprise.
    ---If it were not for Moscow propaganda, many in the world would have little to laugh at.
    ---Bourdain = bird brain. Works for me, too.
    ---Never went to my proms either...don't fee that bad.
    ---MSNBC is SO full of horse hockey on THAT isn't even funny!
    ---Looks like that family is spreading that "love" teeny-weeney pieces.
    ---Kaspersky sucks, plain and simple.
    ---LOL...great, now flying is starting to SUCK (people out).
    And will renter's insurance cover that unexpected "guest" who just dropped in?

    Great post.

    Stay safe (and humorous) up there, brother.

    1. Yeah, I cancelled Kapersky about the third time it lay down and died. I think it wanted vodka...

  2. I’m only going to say this, Flordia has really been the dumbest state for a long long time. They’re gonna have to cut out these Alabama jokes before long. Florida is really taking the cake !!

    1. I'm guessing "Alabama jokes" translate to "Kentucky jokes" here in Indiana...