What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.

SOCK IT TO ME BABY!!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

The day of the bunyip



The bunyip is a large mythical creature from Australian Aboriginal mythology, said to lurk in swamps, billabongs, creeks, riverbeds, and waterholes. -wiki

Bunyip, by CW Martin, is one of a group of mischievous spirits (see also brownies, kobalds, gremlins) which haunt our factory.  They were encouraged in their debauchery when the plant manager ignored my requests to sprinkle the area the cutter machines were being moved to with holy water.  My scoreboard is labeled "the Bunyip Board" in their honor, and they were DARN active today.

Among the delightful carnage they caused today:

- At least three prototypes that required a patch of non-woven patch fabric were sent out to the floor without putting the non-woven makers into our systems.

-One engineer came out and asked me if the multi-ply cutter (commonly known as that POS) had been used since we moved it.  When I told him it had, he was confused.  Apparently, he was trying to load a new marker for carpet (we make carpet pieces for boats as well) and the system told him- incorrectly- that his pattern was "too wide for the table".  He said he then tried just re-processing an old one, and got the same thing.

- my cutter decided that the drill bit (used for putting guide holes in fabric) was going to jam up- several times.

-The pause button, part one (see yesterday's post):  I was at the control pad, trying to free a snag.  I called the machine a b!tc#, and it paused without being touched.

-The pause button, part two:  It froze in the middle of a pattern for no reason about a half hour later.  I called the maintenance guy; he borderline fondled the faulty button, and away it went.  "Always works for me," he said.

-Another prototype came to me that would not cut- it gave me the dreaded "too wide for the table" error.  After four attempts to fix it, the engineer in question still hadn't figured out just what the problem was- all though we had managed to move the location of the error from "between 0.0 and 328.87" to "between 0.0 to 427.85" to "between 0.0 and 310.28" to "between 0.36 and 246.45".  He suggested the problem might be with my machine, and asked me to try the other one.  It changed it to "between 0.36 and 245.45".  Finally, his last message was, "This problem won't be solved today."  Ya think?

- A "HOT" cover was brought out to us, with both fabric and non-woven.  I cut the fabric; my partner found that the non-woven marker was yet again not in the system.  Which ended up okay, because the lady who issues the orders had made a boo-boo, and the cover in question wasn't the 36774 she first gave me, but a 36674, which doesn't even need non-woven.  Still, it wasn't a good thing that we didn't have the non-woven marker for the cover we didn't need, because if we ever need it, we don't have it.

-Later, the lady who used to be my boss before the move, came out and said she was so mad at the second engineer.  Earlier in the day, she had discovered an earlier prototype had a wrong designed part, and as usual he argued about it.  "Wow, that explains why he was so nice messaging me about the messed up proto,"  I said.  "He's already been chewed out once!"  Knowing that usually the plant manager has to talk to him about his seemingly arrogant attitude.

"I HOPE he has," She replied.

-Finally, the plant manager comes over to get a label.  "YOU need to do something," I exclaimed.  "I don't know what you did to piss off the Broccoli gods, but you better appease them quick!"

"Why?"

"The glitches are running rampant today!"

"What glitches?  Is it your machine, or your computer?"

"They're EVERYWHERE!"




"Well, you probably don't want me to eat any broccoli NOW... but I AM going to (our biggest customer) tomorrow..."

"Good!  Kill two birds with one stone!"

Monday, May 9, 2016

The weekend my mind forgot

So I can't say this weekend was a real great one, but if I dish enough of the week going into it into my story it might be good for a chuckle.  The last couple weeks at work are getting a bit less stressful, as some of the  kinks involved in moving the machines I work on to the other side of the plant have been resolved.  However, a new one popped up last week.  You see, my machine is basically a table with a conveyor belt that moves the fabric along as it cuts.  On each corner of the "table" is a gouard with a yellow "pause" button and a red "stop damn you" button (usually known as an e-stop).  Well, late last week, the one I hit the most- on my immediate left if I'm at the control panel and my right when I'm in "usual working position" decided to freeze.  I was stuck on pause for an hour as our maintenance guy tried to get it working again.  The thing is, these massive machines costing thousands of dollars connect this vital piece of equipment to tiny wires with connectors that couldn't keep two mating nematodes together.  I ask you, WHY NOT put a more robust connector on the thing?  Anyway after several rounds of pull the wire out, look at it, re-insert it, tape it up, fail to work, repeat, it finally worked- until he tried to put the guards back on (we were checking both sides to get it to work) and it stopped again.  We finally got it going as the Plant manager walked up, deriving amusement from me and the maintenance guy as we managed to each kick one of the e-stops (which were on the guards, which were off and at ground level) within about six seconds of each other.


Next day, it happened again.  I paged for help and, having nothing to lose, smacked the guard a couple of times.

Of course, that got it going.  I exclaimed, "This machine didn't come from Missouri, it came from Hooterville!"

And thus, the machine's new name is the Hooterville Express.

Moments later, even after telling myself not to, I hit the button again and froze it.  Back comes the Maintenance guy and a half-hour later, he had it working, whereupon I IMMEDIATELY (before he could even move) hit the damn button again.  There is now a sheet of yellow paper with a skull and crossbones and "KEEP AWAY"  written in red sharpie covering the button until new connectors come in.

Which brings us to Friday night, when I couldn't sleep.  It started when we went to our room at 11 PM and the neighbor guy decided he HAD to talk LOUDLY on the phone to a buddy.  After about 20 minutes of his having gotten 10 hours of sleep that day, his rotten parole officer, his looking himself up on Google to see what a douchebag he was ("I can't believe all the charges on me"), and blaming his douchebaggery on the city and the state rather than the idiot who accrued the charges, and how he got yelled at at work for doing something the same way he'd been doing it for the last 2 years because someone else told him to do it that way (see a thread here?), I finally said out the window, "I don't think I need to be listening in to this conversation..."

Him:  "You have a window, close it."
Me:  "I would like some air.  You got your ten hours sleep, let me get mine."

While that didn't shut him up immediately, it did convince him to talk quieter- so that people in neighboring parking lots couldn't hear him- and after a couple more minutes, he went inside.

Could I sleep now?  No.  I got close a couple times, but actual RESTFUL sleep never did show up.  Saturday was a work nooner, so I infused myself with more Pepsi than my health situation should normally allow, danced joyfully through my heavily caffeinated six hours, and went home to take a brief nap before I had to go get Laurie from Wal-Mart.  The nap was likewise useless, and much of the rest of the day was a blurry mish-mash of thought processes that would take off hot like a fighter jet and drizzle into half completed fragments of, "I should do this or that" that never got done.

Of course, then KC invites us over for a cookout that night.  Sorry, busy holding the sofa in place, dude.  I rallied enough by 7:30 to watch Thor: The Dark World for the first time, with peaks at the NASCAR race during commercials (which I managed to hit or just miss EVERY caution flag).

Sunday was a bit better.  I could walk again...







It's getting greener and prettier around here.  I think I have a posing chipmunk around here somewhere...




Yeah, there he is.  And it was a peaceful walk- the previous weekend, when it rained all the Friday before and sprinkled on and off all saturday morning, they just HAD to make a bunch of little kids play soccer, and now most of the fields are chewed up muddy messes...




...which I find endlessly amusing.


In closing, we are trying to teach the lead guy on my new side of the building to run our department- since the gal on the other side is, well, on the other side.  Today he got a lesson about the pace at which things move.  He gave us a whiteboard with which to keep our hourly score with "Cutting schedule" above it, divided into "today" and "tomorrow".  He listed four sets of orders for me to cut under "today".  I placed my finger just above the bottom of the first line and said, "You realize I won't get any farther today than, say, here?"

In his defence, he IS trying.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Sunday message: the unfairness of God

Before you bash me for this title, I want you to understand- I am not saying God is unfair.  There are levels at which we cannot understand His motivations, but He is Fair, because He is Holy.

I have often thought how much the teachings of the great theologians might have been changed had they read a good comic book.  Seriously;  it forces you to leave the stringent box of reality-we-see, rather you have to accept things that may be counter-intuitive at first.  Last night, I heard part of a sermon talking about one of my least favorite subjects- predestination.  The idea that God picked those who would be saved right from the start, and the rest are just going through the motions.  As I understand it- and I'll admit that my knowledge is not first hand- it is this principle that paints the bleak world the Jehovah's Witnesses espouse.  The concept of a finite number, and if you are not among it, it doesn't matter what you do.  The preacher last night used the standard verses about God having mercy on who He will.  All of which is true, but I believe it comes from too limited an understanding.  Follow me back to the beginning:

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.


Do you understand what is being said here?  This light that was created, this "day and night", was NOT as we know days and nights- for that, you need a sun for the earth to travel around, and God hadn't got to that yet.  This was the foundation of TIME- something we perceive to be universal, and so it is, but God is beyond that universe, for He created it.  Time also, is something He is beyond.  It looks to us like predestination aka picking and choosing because we are immersed in time; to God it is foreknowledge of the paths we will walk, because to Him, it all happens "at once".

So, why is how I see it right and the rigid perspective of "predestination" not so?  One verse that the theologians of this bent fail to bring up is 2 Peter 9...

9 The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

"Not willing that ANY should perish"- but He knows that there are some who will refuse to hear.  In my opinion, when we subscribe to traditional predestination, we are absolving man of responsibility in his judgement- again.  I want you to look with me at the Parable of the Sower once again- from a slightly different angle:

 “A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 9 Whoever has ears, let them hear.” (From Matthew)

Okay, we all know the basic framework here.  Some of mankind have it stripped away because they were hard and would not hear.  Some heard for a moment, but never took it INSIDE them.  Some were more concerned with the fleshly world.  And some it grew and bears fruit.  Now you might say, "But read a little further, Chris:"

(From Mark) 10 When he was alone, the Twelve and the others around him asked him about the parables. 11 He told them, “The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables 12 so that,

“‘they may be ever seeing but never perceiving,
    and ever hearing but never understanding;
otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!’[a]”


"So you see, some people never GET to hear!"  God thus would be unfair, if that were true.  But it's NOT what Jesus said.  It presupposes that GOD put them on the outside, not they themselves.  Go back to the parable.  What is the one thing that the the "path", the "rocky places", the "thorny areas", and the "fertile ground" all had in common?


 14 The farmer sows the word. 15 Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. 16 Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 18 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; 19 but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. 20 Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”


The point being, God sowed seed EVERYWHERE.  Whether it grew there, thrived there, or not.  How many of you have seen plants grow threw a path, through a sidewalk?  The opportunity is THERE.  Now, God knows that the outcome of a seed under a sidewalk is grim, but every now and then, one of them is in just the right spot; He blesses it, and up it comes.  Still, the farmer knows that He likely won't get much of a crop out of that handful that got left on the pavement.

So is God unfair?  Why bother to sow where something has no chance?  Why even make people who have no chance?  Why not just pull them up right then, sweep them off the rocky path?  Because every now and then, that flower comes up between the cracks, and God isn't willing that ANY should perish.

Friday, May 6, 2016

Time Machine week 71



Well, we have arrived at May 6th, 1974, and it was yet another slow news day.  How slow?  The lead story for today is that the Philadelphia Phillies set their all time low attendance at Veterans Stadium, drawing 4,149 for a loss to the Padres, 7-6.  The rest of that series didn't do much either, as Phillies fans stayed away to the tune of only 13,000 and change for the whole three game series.  To put it in perspective, they drew that previous Sunday 41,000 to see the Dodgers.  But don't feel bad for the Phils.  It was 16 1/2 times what my A's drew for a game with Seattle in 1979, an attendance that night of 250.

No, this scene at the Vet was 1984.  But it prolly looked very similar...


So welcome to Time Machine for this week in the merry year of 1974- and this week we have some closing milestones on the M10- we will be one song away from 100 all time songs charted with our two new debuts- one of which you may have heard recently on a McDonald's ad!  Also, this list of all-time M10 hits to pile up 60 points + grows by 2 this week; and the question this week becomes, will the Jayhawks take the record with 5 weeks at the top?All this and a bonus six degrees video!  Get yer popcorn, grab a cold one, and batter up!

________________________________________________

The gang assembled for this week's Panel include:  WMYQ Miami, WKAP living here in Allentown PA, WAXY Ft Lauderdale, CFGO Ottawa, Canada, WPOP Hartford, WROM Rome (no, the one in Georgia, my friend), KROK Shreveport, WBZ Boston, WDRQ Detroit, KTKT Tucson, KHJ Los Angeles, and KYA San Francisco.  They collected a measly 16 different songs, including the low charting at #39 nationally Billy Don't Be A Hero by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods (whose one vote was the #1 slot in Tucson), and the other #1 that missed the Panel Four, Wings with Band On The Run (whose only vote was the #1 in Boston).  And with that, here's the Panel Four:

With one #1 vote (Ft Lauderdale, natch) and 19 points, the national #7, Ray Stevens with The Streak.

With one #1 (Ottawa) and 22 points, the national # 5, Marvin Hamlisch and The Entertainer.

With one #1 ( San Fran)- and yes, that means the top dog got 7- and 26 points, a mere 19 behind the winner, the national #4, the Jacksons and Dancing Machine.

And at the top, with 46 points, the national #1 as well- stay tuned.

____________________________________

First up, some new retro-soul on the M10.  The gent's name is Charles Bradley, and he's going through some Changes...





Charles comes in this week at #10.

__________________________________


And now a few words from English footballer and worldwide star David Beckham:

I have got this obsessive compulsive disorder where I have to have everything in a straight line, or everything has to be in pairs. 


Well, what I have in mind comes in a straight line, and it is an even numbered set, so what say we...




10- This week's UK top ten leads off with a Stevie Wonder song that did not get released here, though in three years it would be the USA flip side to the #1 Sir Duke.  It was called He's Misstra Know It All.

9-  An American #1 that was on it's way down at #48 this week, Terry Jacks and Seasons In The Sun.

8- A tune that The Essex took to #12 in 1963, redone pretty faithfully by a band called Limmie and the Family Cookin', A Walking Miracle.  This didn't chart here, and they only once did graze the US charts.

7- In late March, this tune made it only to #54 here, and with US consumers that look at a title and pass on by, I can see why- the Chi-Lites and Homely Girl.

6- Roy Wood, who helped found the original ELO, and his band Wizzard chart here with a song not released here- Rock and Roll Winter.

5- Another did not chart here was by a band we're quite familiar with- the Bay City Rollers.  They held down this spot with Shang-A-Lang.

4- A folk duo ( and another act that barely grazed the US charts with a different song) called (Lenny) Peters and (Dianne) Lee were here with Don't Stay Away Too Long.  I can see why Lenny Peters might say that.  This cousin of Stones drummer Charlie Watts was blinded in one eye from a traffic accident at 5 years old- and then in the other when he was hit by a thrown brick at the age of 16...

3-


Sigh... yes, the Wombles again... this time with Remember You're A Womble.  Frankly, I'll stick with the Banana Splits...



2- The Rubettes hit #37 in August here with this tune, called Sugar Baby Love.  In a similarity to Strawberry Alarm Clock's Incense and Peppermints (and believe me, it is the ONLY similarity), the lead vocal on this, their biggest hit, was done by a guy (Paul DaVinci) who NEVER joined the act.

And tops of the pops....



A tune you may know well... Waterloo by ABBA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It would make top ten here in August.

______________________________________________


I want to kick off  the six degrees this week with a tune I really love...  just in case you don't know it.  This is Duncan Sheik:






Duncan's big hit peaked at #16 back in '96.  And just how does he fit into our story?  Well, his sister Kacie Sheik...



...was in the 2009 and 2011 revivals of Hair, where she played the part of Jeanie.  This part was played in the original by one Sally Eaton...



...who in addition to her singing talents is a full fledged Wiccan priestess.  Not surprisingly, she was one of a handful of acts to perform at the first Earth Day, doing a song charmingly titled Sulfur Dioxide.  Opening the show was the Native American/Cajun band Redbone, who more famously had a hit with the highest charting song this week to get no Panel love, Come And Get Your Love.


___________________________________________


And that brings us to the M10!

You heard number ten- and it is the 98th song to hit the M10!  Next up is a song that MIGHT have dropped and opened the way for #100 this week- except that, as my FB friends know, I watched a certain video last weekend.  It was a video by the family of a good blogger friend who passed last year- a Mother's Day Mash Up, of some neat songs lip synched by my friend's Husband and Daughter.  It was fun, and really showed how well they are doing these months later-  but then I said to myself, "She'd be so proud..." and it all broke loose again.  I had been playing some music at the time, and when I returned to it, the next song that played was the tune at #9- Jimmy Ruffin's Farewell Is A Lonely Sound, spending a third week at #9.

At number eight, Rah Rah's Fix Me slips back a notch from #7.

I believe I mentioned two songs crossed the sixty point plateau this week.  One of them, putting it 5th all time, Is Madness by Lucius, dropping three to #7.

Our second debut- and 99th all time- I first heard on the recent McDonald's "Wedding Quarter Pounder" ad.  It came out in 2013 by a guy recording under the name of Telekinesis:





Lean On Me debuts way up at #6, and might have gone higher...

...but I had a third wave of falling in love with Emi Knight and the Strawberry Runners with When We Were Good, and it moved from #8 to #5.

And then there was the obstacle of the beautiful Ruth B, who moves up 2 more spots to #4 with 2 Poor Kids.

Carroll gets stuck with a second week at number three with Bad Water.

And now, it's time to answer the question- do the Jayhawks make history with a fifth straight week at the top?  The answer:




Quiet Corners and Empty Spaces- which pulls into 4th place all time this week- drops a notch to #2.

And at the top?  M10 says...




...Redspencer with Ride It Out... the 19th #1 song on the M10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And on the Panel....



...Grand Funk Railroad with IMHO the best cover ever- The Loco-Motion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


With that, we wrap up another week!  Tune in next time for... 1978!

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Martin World News: Headline only edition



It struck me as I looked at today's headlines on FoxNews, that it only takes a little warping of the mind anymore to get cheap laughs out of normal, everyday headlines.  Because really, this world has already fallen over the edge and we're all just waiting for the crash to notice it.  So step out of your serious mode, assume the Mind of Martin (and if you have to chuckle at that one, you'll really like this post) and let's look at the news...


- Massive Pile Of Fake North Korean Money Found In South.

So do you think this was a load of counterfeit money about to be sent North in an attempt to destabilize what they laughingly refer to an an economy; or was this Kim Jong-Un trying to destabilize the South- and forgetting to make the fakes SOUTH Korean money?  Frankly, the latter makes more sense.

- 600,000 Sign California Initiative To Legalize Pot

You mean it isn't now?  Man, there goes my explanation for the last 50 years of California history.  More on this subject later.

- Bee Venom Found To Have Major Beauty Benefit

"God, YES!  Make me BEAUTIFUL!"

-Jack Russell Terrier Spotted In Life Vest After Spending Several Hours At Sea

Who puts a life vest on a dog?  People who fail to pay attention, apparently.

-Girl Makes Gut Wrenching Find In Wendy's Soda

Let me guess.  Calories?  Artificial sweeteners?  I know... too much ice!

-America's #3 Killer Is Medical Errors, Study Finds

In India, they're #2 after selfies, and just ahead of driving a meat truck in a Hindu neighborhood.

- JFK's Secret Service Reveals President's Odd Request

"Whatever you do, TAKE THE BULLET!!!"


_____________________________

Now, I found all that just on the Fox page.  Is it my mind, or their editing?  So I went to other news sources to see if I would be amused there.  And as it doesn't take much to amuse me, here's what I found:

From the BBC:

- "Hope She Was Worth It"

Here, I had to actually look at the story.  1,000 words, meet picture:



- Kenya 'Gay Anal Tests' Challenged



From CNN:

-Buzz Grows For Kaine On Clinton Ticket

Oh, that should help with the California vote...


-NFLers Warned About Foreign Meat

Not on the night before a game, guys!

-Historian:  What Would Jefferson Think Of Trump

"I think he's a dumb honkey, Weezie!"
- MMA Fighter Dies In Hit-And-Run Accident

How's that one for irony...

-Caitlyn Jenner To Pose Nude For SI

Well, I guess Playboy won't do it anymore.  Playgirl either, I suppose...

From the Moscow Times:

- Volunteer Cops To Raid Moscow Beaches

I can't imagine that a) there's just a lot of good beaches in Moscow, and b) that they'd get a lot of volunteers.  Now, if it was the beach at Sochi...



...sign me up!


From China's Xinhua:

-Fiji Launches Monkey Themed Stamp To Mark Chinese New Year

(Note, you gotta pretend you don't know anything about Chinese New Year to get the possible problem here...)

From the Japan Times:

-20% Of Japanese Men In 20's Did Not Eat Rice In One Month Period: Survey


And finally, from HuffPo:

- Why It's More Important To Get Dollars Into Black Hands

My first thought:



...'cause he's got a gun...


Okay, so this isn't the most PC post you'll ever see.  But that's okay, because the Trump Era began last night, so we're all racist now! (at least, I saw a headline to that effect...)

Monday, May 2, 2016

Martin World News: Dead selfie edition



So I was trying to put together a MWN post, but when you've done about a hundred "Unusual animal loose in your city", "Ugly naked woman dances in street", or "Idiot sticks something valuable up the butt" stories, they tend to lack something.  I even tried to go right to the sources (even North Korean news), and the best I could find was a story on Moscow being invaded by rabid hedgehogs.

Not a bit lying there.  Headline was on the "Adorable but dangerous" kinda level.

Then I happened across a news item about a young boy who decided to take a selfie with Dad's gun and hit the gun instead of the phone's trigger.  That story talked about how there have been FORTY-NINE selfie-related deaths in the last three years, so naturally I thought I'd try to drain it of what mirth their might be in being that stupid.

The article tells us that the Mecca of selfie stupidity is not the US of A, as you might have guessed.


Infographic: The Countries With The Most Selfie-Related Deaths | Statista
You will find more statistics at Statista


As you can see, it is that wonderful cesspool of humanity, India, which has the lead- including the latest one I told you about.  So my next question was, how old do you need to be to be this stupid.  Well, I was able to trace down the ages of 46 of the fifty bumbling would-be photogs, and here's what we come up with:

Ages 14-17: 11 deaths
18-22: 24
23-29: 6
30+: 5

So if you can make it past college and maybe grad school, you might be safe.  Grad school is a whole other thing, but I'll get to that in a minute.


I'll bet your big question is, HOW did they get killed taking a selfie?  So let's take a look at the leading activities in which the deceased was engaged in at the time of the oops moment.

We have a three-way tie for the most deadly activity with 7 each, but only because ONE incident took out 7 in one shot.  That was when a group decided to take selfies standing up on one side of a boat at the same time.  The principle of balance (as well as that of knowing how to swim) escaped them, and there you go.

The second "lucky 7" was uncommonly popular.  when you count the seven people struck by a train while standing on the tracks with the train coming up behind them, the four that were electrocuted by live wires while being on top of a train car, and and the two that fell off railroad bridges, trains actually rack up 26.5% of all selfie fatalities.

The third seven is that old favorite, falling off a cliff or ledge.  It could have, were I less picky, been eight, but I counted "falling off the edge of a crater into a volcano" as a separate entry.

With the two railway incidents, falling from a bridge collected 4; and with three, we have "taking selfies while operating a moving vehicle"- one in a car while posting the selfie to social media, ending in a head-on collision; one on a motorbike; and one, believe it or not, while piloting an airplane.

A handful of choices garnered 2 votes- falling down a staircase (one at the Taj Mahal for bonus points); posing with guns (which also took out a drunken Mexican veterinarian); drowning by slipping off the bank of a canal; drowning by getting swamped by a wave; and two "young men" from Russia who thought the cherry on their selfie sundae would be to PULL THE PIN from the live hand grenade the were posing with.  (The families were comforted by the fact that though their young men didn't survive, the phone- and the selfie- did.)

Finally a few singletons, so far anyway:  hanging from a building (apparently by one hand), and while being pursued down the streets of Pamplona by an enraged bull.


Not many of the stories had the job qualifications listed:  there was the aforementioned vet and pilot; a musician (on the motorbike), an amateur photographer (aren't they all?), and several students.  including at least three engineering students (one of which hadn't studied that the crumbling rock at the edge of the cliff he was standing on MIGHT give way), and a pair of pre-meds.  One was a Polish couple who had lived in Portugal (site of the cliff in question) who left a five and a six year old watching as the assumed a lower center of gravity.

So, was this not an uproariously funny subject to peruse?  Perhaps you might get a little kick out of it.  Hopefully not while you're taking a selfie on top of a train car.  I think rather it might be a better PSA from your humble author:

Don't be an idiot.  You'll look the same when you're in a safe position.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Sunday message: Paul and the two big fights

In trying to research a totally unrelated point, I found myself going through a long and drawn out character study of the Apostle Paul.  Many issues connected themselves to the story, and even now I would have to say I am doing a "stream of consciousness" posting here to see if I can boil it down to the message that God wants rather than the one my intellectual curiosity sent me on.

I think the story has to do with the several gifts that a Christian may receive for their ministry.  Romans 12:6-8 list these gifts as prophecy, serving, teaching, encouraging, giving, leading, and showing mercy.  Now prophecy as given here is not the "I see a vision of the future" thing you get in comic books.  A former pastor of mine would have called it exhorting- the preaching of God's word.  This is kind of where Paul was.  His longtime original partner, Barnabas, was an encourager (which is where I see me)- in fact, his name means "Son of Encouragement."  And the era around the break-up of their partnership has two distinct dichotomies going on.

One is that just before this, there was a Council called in Jerusalem by Paul under the leadership of Peter, James the Lord's Brother, and John (who, while named as being there, was completely silent in the story).  The summit was over the Jewish Christians' belief that the new Gentile believers should have to obey Jewish custom, including circumcision. Both Peter and Paul testified that Gentiles had been saved without need of Jewish ritual, and James declared that the Church would put no such burden on the Gentile believers.

But then, a funny thing happened.  Paul and Barnabas, along with Jude and Silas, took the report to Antioch and stayed there for a while.  Soon Peter joined them- but Paul accused him, despite what the Council determined, of acting one way around the Gentile Christians and another when James' men came up to "check up on him".  Paul claimed that soon everyone- including Barnabas- were acting as Peter was, and Paul finally called him out publically on it.  Paul was aghast that they would hew to Jewish custom, shunning Gentiles, when other Jews were around.

But soon after that blow-up- and another soon to come- Paul went off to revisit the churches, meeting along the way a young disciple named Timothy, the son of a Jewish woman and a Greek father.  Paul, who was short a companion (story to follow), wanted Timothy to come along- but because he knew the Jews would complain about his Greek blood, had him circumcised to placate them.  And I said, "What the heck is the difference between Peter's deference to the Jews, and Paul's?"

The second dichotomy involves that "partner short" deal.  After Paul was through chewing out Barnabas et al for hypocrisy, he decided, as I said, to revisit the churches they planted.  Barnabas wanted to bring his young cousin Mark.  Now, Mark, who would eventually write the second Gospel, had an iffy reputation at this point:  so scared of arrest when Jesus was arrested in the Garden, he was grabbed but left his cloak behind, running off naked to get away.  Forgiven that one, he later went with Paul and Barnabas on their first trip- only to abandon ship and go home after just a short time.  Paul apparently had not forgiven him this second incident, and wanted no part of him.  The fight over Mark reached the point Luke used the term paroxysm to describe it.  Finally, Paul went one way with Silas and Barnabas the other with Mark.

Rather than chase down all the verses that made me start to think that Paul's "thorn in the flesh" was being vindictive, let's instead try to see the lesson we get from these.  Story number one- what IS the difference between Peter's seeming bowing to the Jews and Paul's?  Paul explains his actions with Timothy in that he was "willing to be all things to all men, so that by all means, some might be saved."  In order to keep from offending those who would object bringing an uncircumcised Gentile into a synagogue, he'd carry out the ritual on Timothy, making him basically an honorary Jew.  In similar manner, he would refuse to eat meat sacrificed to idols IF it caused someone else to compromise their faith, even though there's nothing wrong with the meat since idols are false anyway.

So why get upset about what Peter was doing?  Because a) It was going against what they had JUST said they weren't going to do, and more important, b) it was causing others TO sin, where Timothy's circumcision wasn't being "done and un-done" depending on the audience.  Paul had NO tolerance for what went against the Gospel.  Even today, we face situations like this.  Things we know we prolly shouldn't do, but excuse them on the basis of, "But if it helps someone else..."  Sure, you can go and have a church service in a bar, as some have, trying to bring the mountain to Mohammed, or the Word to the sinner.  But is that doing as effective a job at showing God's love and willingness to come to the sinner, as it is showing the church, "Hey, I can get away with that?"  When you have one of those somewhat ambiguous choices, you have to really examine the motive.  Paul's was to lift the church up; Peter's was bringing it down.

The second story brings us back to Paul's "no tolerance" policy.  One commentator explained that Paul's commitment to the pure Word of God left him "incompetent" to deal with the mercy that Barnabas wanted to show; and that while Barnabas could see the point about not allowing compromise into the Word, he also saw that each person is a different individual, and you cannot fit one-size-fits-all into salvation.  He saw in Mark a young man struggling, who had the potential for greatness in Christ- or a lifetime of running and uselessness.  He felt it was up to him to change the trajectory of Mark's life.

So who was right, who was wrong?  Well, Paul went on to write most of the New Testament, and converted hundreds if not thousands.  But Mark, he went on to write a Gospel, something Paul never did.  You see, here's the thing.  We don't ALL get all the gifts; we don't all get the SAME ones.  And we have to use them in the way God intended.  At a certain point, the partnership of Paul and Barnabas HAD to break up.  Why?  First trip, Paul was new at this.  He likely needed the encouragement of someone like Barnabas.  But by the second trip, that would have been a crutch God didn't want him to lean on.  By the same token, while a preacher should be willing and able to travel around the world to reach those not already reached, an encourager needs to be with those reached to encourage them.  God NEEDED the pair in different places to do their different things, and Barnabas was a luxury to Paul that God couldn't afford.

And Mark?  Obviously, he redeemed himself in Paul's eyes eventually, as near the end he asks Timothy to send Mark to him in prison.  Perhaps seeing his waffling in the light of the damage it caused to two brothers in Christ changed Mark;  tradition says he ended up with a ringside seat when Barnabas was martyred in Cyprus.  His gift, it would seem, was teaching, and thus he wrote down the Gospel he wrote.

I have seen through a certain mutual un-friending I went through a while back that sometimes God separates us because we're just not good, or ready, for each other, and too stubborn to admit it.  We compromise what OUR gift is to stay close to the other person, and God finally shoots it down in flames, like he did Paul and Barnabas.  So out of all this, I guess it boils down to two basic things to keep in mind.

1- Stay true to your call.

2- Stay true to your gift.