Pity Party

To say this wasn't the best of days would be fairly accurate.  And I have to put the blame squarely where it belongs- myself.

UPDATE:  And I see the Time Machine I posted yesterday has DISAPPEARED?  WTH?

How do you describe a perfect storm of little things that should be handle-able, all colliding in a ball of frustration and anger.  I know, in my life, it's not Lucretia Borgia stirring hemlock in a golden cup... it's more like trying to make a glass of chocolate milk in the dark, only to find you just grabbed that darn package of strawberry that you bought by accident and should have thrown away ages ago.

So, I once again had to deconstruct it the hard way to get back into my right senses.  Angry at my job, the idiot customer, having hopes of getting out of Saturday work, mad at God for forgetting that for once I'd managed a sincere prayer in the morning.... but it boiled down to being mad at myself for letting myself get upset.  And in getting there, I learned some lessons.

One of them was at the time.  I texted Laurie at lunch- as I sat by myself, trying to get calm and spare good people my mood- and told here the very abridged version.  And she pointed out that while morons they be, the customer keeps me in the best job I ever had.  I thought, "That's not what I wanted to hear."  But what did I want to hear?  Laurie said the one thing I needed to think about.  She spoke rightly.  I was just too upset to want to hear it.

One of them later, at home.  Grousing about, "It's not working Saturday, it's working Saturday because our customer is about as mismanaged a mess as you can easily imagine."  And God reminded me of a few things.

Number one, that you didn't know about me, is I spent two years after my Dad died not working, done with school, partying.  My first job came just before my 24th birthday.

Number two, I spent an entire football season about 5 years ago laid off, on unemployment.  Parts of succeeding years as well.  And then, right around Christmas, 6 weeks out of 8 laid off.  Wednesday we go home after two hours after the power went out.

Number three, Laurie's been working weekends on and off for a while now.

Number four, "I gave you six days working and one day off.  You gripe about working more while working less than anyone."  Ouch.


In between, while blowing off steam by bitching at God, I dared to call myself a "servant".  What a laugh.


Somehow or another, I finally came to grudging acceptance of my poor sorry lot.  Happy, no, but humbled.  Trying not to let it screw me up any worse.  Self-loathing gets old, even for me.

Tonight, I decided to try to watch Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.  I had to turn it off halfway, for the same reason that Lincoln told Mary Todd.  It was just too overwhelming.  It painted a picture without hope.  "How can one man stand against all this evil?" he asked.  And I came to another conclusion as I looked at the news after my giving up.  God wouldn't allow a creature like a vampire.  He doesn't need it.  I look at the news and saw terrible words like Crimea.  Belfast.  Aleppo.

No, there's enough evil in this world without them.  Enough to be overwhelming. 


And on days like this, it makes me sick that I added to it.