Why I should have been the new Doctor

So I wake up from my nap, and find that the sonic screwdriver that has rested comfortably on my headboard for months is lying somehow on the floor.  Going downstairs, I find that a woman, Jodie Whitaker, is the new Doctor.  While I am not crushed in my male ego, I just wonder what effect on the timelines this will have...

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.  In the meantime, I wonder why I wasn't selected- other than the fact I never auditioned.  Here are ten good reasons I should have been the 13th Doctor:

1- I HAVE a sonic screwdriver

So it's a model year behind.  Like John Hurt said, "Different casing, same programming."


2- I understand Timey-Whimey stuff


I was taught chronal mechanics by Marvel comics.  Totally necessary when debating John Calvin.

3- Scrappy!

Think about it!  Not only is he a great companion, but what if he was the Master's next incarnation?  Get it- the Master being the pet and the Doctor being the... master?


4- I already have a unique, Doctor -ready look:

5- New Location- Fort Wayne, Indiana

Because come on, how many times can you destroy London?


6- Like the Doctor, I have tried to drive with the parking brake on...

7-  Who really thinks fish fingers and custard goes together?  With me, it would be...

8- Unlike every other incarnation, I know the BEST way to beat Daleks...

Tip the damn thing over, roll his guns away from you.  Exterminate THAT, dumbass!


9- A Midol shortage need not endanger the world....

...however, a Pepsi shortage could get a bit dicey...


And Number 10-

...if the lock is wood, I'm not afraid to break a window....