Sunday Message: Seeds and Leaven part 2

So last week, I ended with the question, why am I not going to church?  Because I certainly can't respond to anybody talking about why they aren't going if I am not.  This is by necessity going to be confessional.  But I need to go through it so you can understand what these Sunday messages have ALWAYS been about.


Saturday morning I was listening to a sermon by Chip Ingram, who is not necessarily one of my "go-to" guys.  But he began this day by hitting on a topic that interested me.  He explained that there were 4 instances in his life where someone loved him enough to share a hard truth, that changed his life and moved him in the direction he is now going.  All four happening after he gave his life to Christ.

The first was, shortly after accepting Christ, he was also accepting a non-Christian woman in his life, in a way that was making him compromise Christ for her.  A friend pointed out Paul's quote about not being unequally yoked.  He prayed about it, and saw that he was right- the relationship with her was derailing his relationship with God.  And I said, "Been there, done that, got a few t-shirts."

The second was at a Bible camp, and a leader took him aside and said, "You're jumping through all the right hoops, but I don't think you're doing it to please God.  I think that you do it to please men, and it's making you arrogant."  This is a big check box for me as our story goes on.

The third was as a young pastor at a small country church, full of big family groupings, and lots of politics.  A deacon warned him to stay steadfast, don't compromise the Word because of pressure from other people.  Got that one too, at times.


And the fourth was at a leadership evaluation, when right in front of his wife he was told, "Chip, you are a lazy pastor.  You don't make full use of the gifts you have been given."  BIG check mark there.


But as I thought about it, I realized the unifying theme to his story was that after every admonition, "I prayed about it that night."  And this is my laziness.  And it is born of my core nature.


For me, self-realization- the concept of being a human being- has always gone hand-in-hand with self-importance.  How do you make others important on the same level if all you ever hear in your mind is you?  It has robbed me of so many good things in life by making me a taker rather than a giver.  It has made me a source of division by creating a need to be in control of things that just aren't IN my control.  It has made me a storyteller in my own mind- my whole life sometimes feels like a verse from the Carly Simon song, Anticipation:


But I, I rehearsed those lines just late last night
When I was thinkin' about how right tonight might be

Everything having to be written out in my mind, in triplicate.  And all of these things lead me away from TRULY opening up to God about a lot of things.


The problem is now, I SEE it.  I'm not going to go into the whole thing about what happened in my first break with church, other to say that that need for control on my part compounded a deteriorating situation and made it worse.  That church revived, and now thrives, and I am so proud of the people who have built it into what it has become.  And I wish I could be a part of it.  But when we returned to it a few years back for a couple of Sundays, I figured out quickly that there were some severe problems with me.

First, I had come into a leadership role before, lost it, and knew in my heart I would be discontent outside of at least somewhat of a leadership role.  And God wasn't having that.  I had to get to a point where I could humble myself.

And I don't think I am even close, even after all this.  If a Bible study is missing the point, I want to bring it up.  If the pastor is wrong on something, I want to be able to call him on it.  Which makes me at the very least an opinion leader, which is where it all falls apart again. 

I have a spine of pride that drapes itself in false humility.  On these pages, I share with you- or try to- my battle to learn true humility.  I don't write these posts saying to myself, "I'll share this because I know it and you don't".  I share it saying, "This is what I learned about myself this week, and I'm sharing it so I remember to APPLY it."  At least, this is what I pray to do.  But being a lazy prayer warrior when it comes to myself, I don't often go to God and say, "You know something?  I have no clue whatsoever about humility.  I need You to TEACH me."

At least until the guy told Chip Ingram HE was lazy- and I saw it in myself.  And I prayed that prayer, for maybe the first sincere time.

Those of you that read these posts, please CALL me on this.  When you see me being lazy, self-righteous, flat out wrong, TELL ME.  If this is going to be healthy for any of us, it has to work in all of us.  And I will try and pray more effectively, for you all and for myself.