MWN: Newspage Go!

Realizing I have been negligent of late in doing oddities like Newspage Go!  I looked about and saw that this is going to be a great day for just enjoying the headlines without bothering to read the article (or at least not until after the fact).  So let's start right off, suspend your disbelief, and let's do this!


Fox News #1:  I really didn't need to know what Demi Moore's mom did at night

Headline:  "Demi Moore’s horrifying revelation about her mom and $500"

Bullet commentary:  Per hour or for the night?

Truth:  Turns out Mom sold Demi to a drinking buddy.  I don't feel so bad about insulting Mommy Dearest now.



Fox News #2: When a Slurpie just won't do

Headline:  "Camel's testicles bitten by woman at Louisiana truck stop petting zoo: authorities"

Bullet commentary:  Everything's better with Frank's Red Hot....

Truth:  Stranger than fiction.  Her dog slipped leash and got into the camel enclosure.  When she crawled under the fencing to retrieve him, the camel sat on her.  She bit him to get him off.


CNN #1:  At least age discrimination isn't a factor

Headline:  "All trips through this 178-year-old travel operator are canceled. What to know"

Bullet commentary:  People stopped living to 178 in the days of Abraham.  So unless you were booking trips to Ur, Haran, or Sodom, you're probably better off.  Especially the Sodom trip.  It's a pain in the butt.

Truth:  The operator was Thomas Cook, who was born in 1808 and founded his company in 1841 to "to carry temperance supporters by railway between the cities of Leicester, Nottingham, Derby and Birmingham. "  Which would make him actually 201.


CNN # 2:  It's the landing that's the bad part

Headline:  "Father and son die after falling off cliff"

Bullet commentary:  Dad:  "And if all your friends jumped off a cliff, you'd probably jump right off after them!"
Son: "Prove it..."

Truth:  They drove an ATV to the edge, got off to enjoy the view, shoulda set their parking brakes...

CNN #3:  I could see if it was HOW she got it

Headline:  "Natasha Lyonne's clap won Twitter on Emmys night"

Bullet commentary:  I have seen some sick stuff on Twitter, but never knew gonorrhea was popular...

Truth:  Fandom was just amused that she applauded like a sea lion kneading bread.




BBC #1:  Curable by a big greasy breakfast, or perhaps a bloody Mary

Headline:  "Hangovers are 'illness', rules German court"

Bullet commentary:  Well, the Germans DO average 294 bottles of beer a year each, so they would know...

Truth:  A company selling an 'anti-hangover' drink had to cease and desist, because the court's close-cropped definition of 'illness' fit hangovers, and the law says they can't make claims to 'cure illness' without proof.

BBC # 2:  ...and he has a $#!tH0L3 aim, to boot

Headline:  "Two wounded after Haiti Senator opens fire"

Bullet commentary:  I was going to go for something on the lines of, "Shooting off your mouth isn't just for the US Congress anymore", but the truth beat the hell out of my bit.

Truth:  Claims he was shooting at protesters who were threatening him.  Victims: an AP reporter and a security guard.


Moscow Times #1:  Define, "make a difference"...

Headline:  "A Russian Ethnic Group Leader Set Himself on Fire. But Will It Make a Difference?"

Bullet commentary: Well, other than making an ash of himself...

Truth:  I have to say, I found the end of the story pretty fitting:

"Then, at 9:36 a.m. on Sept. 10, Razin lifted a lighter to his chest and set himself on fire. Witnesses say he didn’t utter a sound, even when rushed to the hospital, where he was pronounced dead before lunch.  (NOTE:  As long as our priorities are straight...)

“One moment you’re saying good morning to your friend, the next you’re sprinting out of the building with a fire extinguisher,” said Leonid Gonin, a senior aide to local United Russia deputy Alexei Zagrebin, who had known Razin for years. “It’s hard to put into words.”

And, finally...

Moscow Times # 2:  In 1,000 words or less

Headline:  "Why Is Russia So Unproductive?"

Bullet commentary:

Truth:  See above...