A to Z mash up part 2

 

For those of you that didn't catch it, you can scroll back to Saturday for part one, on my semi- annual lazy man's A to Z, this year featuring Bible fun!

Malchus- In case you didn't know, this is the poor slob that got his ear cut off by Peter.  Probably not exactly a a "poor slob"; his name means "king", so he must have been part of a rich bloodline before taking a job as Caiphas's lackey.  Fortunately, while Peter tried to "crown" him, his fishing skills were more with a net; Malchus might have had a splitting headache had Peter been a fly fisherman.

Nabal- One of the more amusing Old Testament stories, Nabal's name meant fool, and his wife Abigail said, "It fits."  The standard translation says he was "a Calebite", which would really have nothing to do with the story, but it isn't a big stretch to say it COULD have been translated "son of a dog".  And apparently he rubbed off on some people; because when David vowed revenge against him for his insults, he claimed he would kill "all of his who urinate against the wall".  Classy.

Ozem- I really had to stretch to find a funny O story that didn't involve Onan (for obvious reasons, if you look up his story), so I settled on Ozem.  He was the sixth of the 7 boys of Jesse, just older than David.  His name in history was made when invented Ozempic in 1010 BC.

Paltiel- After David had to hit the road to avoid being Saul's pincushion, Saul gave David's wife, Saul's daughter Michal to hard luck Paltiel.  13 or so years later, With Saul dead and Ishbosheth in Abner's doghouse (see part one), David demanded Abner go fetch her back.  Paltiel followed,  bawling his eyes out, until Abner put a hand on the hilt of his sword and said, "Get lost, loser."  Good times.

Quirinius- I thought this was the only Q name in the whole Bible (I was off by one), so I'm going to stick with him.  In addition to being governor (or perhaps assisting the governor- who was on a short leash after losing around 20,000 soldiers to the Germans in the Teutobergerwald) when Mary and Joseph had to rent a room in the manger, he also busied himself defeating the Homonadenses, a mountain people whose name can be combined with Quirinius to make a very bad off-color joke.  So instead, I'll mention he also defeated the Marmaridae, for which Caesar wanted to gift him the sobriquet "Marmaricus", which he declined, citing that he was unwilling to be nicknamed "Ol' Maramalade".

Rhoda- God bless her, you gotta chuckle at Rhoda.  On one side of town, Peter is getting a miraculous, angel-aided escape from Herod's prison; on the other, the faithful are praying FOR this miracle.  Peter knocks on the door, and Rhoda, watching the door, looks through the peephole.  She sees Peter, immediately slams the peephole shut, and tells everyone, "Peter's at the door!"  Which no one believes, because she forgot to let him in.

Sceva- He was a high priest who had seven sons who were travelling exorcists. Unfortunately, they weren't very good at it, as their tag line was,  “I adjure you by the Jesus whom Paul proclaims.” One day they met a man with a not-so-stupid demon who replied, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know, but who are you?"  Moments later, the guy with the demon walked off whistling a happy tune- while Sceva's kids were battered, bloodied, and- you guessed it- naked.

Thomas- C'mon, you're going to tell ten guys you've travelled with for three years that their story was "a powerful, internal experience that convinced them of Jesus' resurrection, despite it being a psychological phenomenon rather than a physical event"? He's lucky one of the Marys didn't take a rolling pin to him.

Uz- Some letters make you stretch farther than others, and U is a great example.  Uz was a great-grandson of Noah, and in the book The Creation, the Garden of Eden and the Origin of the Chinese (1914), Tse Tsan-Tai claims he was the ancestor of the Amerindians/Native Americans.  

Who the heck is Tse Tsan-Tai?  Well he was in succession a dirigible inventor, who tried to sell his designs to the Germans-but Count von Zeppelin told him he'd had a better design for about 5 years; a revolutionary who got his plans betrayed (but somehow avoided imprisonment); and a Christian author and newspaperman who believed the Garden of Eden had been located in Xinjiang.

Vashti- So if you want to believe the traditions the Jews tacked on in the Midrash (some I do, some I don't, but this makes some sense), She was the daughter of Belshazzar (the "handwriting on the wall" guy), who was captured when Darius of Persia took Babylon, and given to his son (whom the Bible calls Ahasuerus) for a wife.  It couldn't have been a happy marriage, and it got worse when her drunken hubby called her to dance for his drunken buddies.  She said no, and the ever-indecisive Ahasuerus asked his drunken buddies what to do.  Their advice, probably created from fear of going home to THEIR wives said, "You gotta set an example- get rid of her- or we ALL go down with the ship!"  So out went vashti, and the Miss Persia Universe 420BC contest was born.

Weasel- Yup, I had to resort to one of the 'unclean' animals that the Hebrews weren't allowed to eat.  From what I could learn, I don't think this was a hard law to follow.  What one outdoorsman said:

I "lived" on it for a couple of weeks in the winter of 1978-9. As Mike says..it's not palatable..... and that's being charitable !!

It was all I could do to cook it !! I boiled it, of course, and just the smell was enough to ALMOST trigger vomiting. I eventually smeared a little toothpaste on my upper lip just so I could tolerate the smell.

Xerxes- Unlike the 'experts, I choose to believe Xerxes= Ahasuerus.  If only because it is my only chance of getting a Biblical X.

Y- Any name that starts with a J ( and a couple that aren't) can technically be spelled with a Y.  Of course there is one BIG Name that starts with a Y- and I'm not looking to get struck by lightning.

Zimri- Zimri wasn't happy being Captain of half the chariots of Israel.  So he waited till King Elah was good and plastered, and killed him and all his sons.  However, in a presaging of "How to become a Roman Emperor", the rest of the army decided they wanted their commander, Omri, instead.  Faced with the whole army besieging him, Zimri said, well that was a good week ( he reigned 7 days), and lit the palace on fire with himself in it.  After Zimri finished making an ash of himself, Omri built himself a new capital in Samaria.  Ironically, Omri spent some time putting down another revolt from a buddy of Zimri named Tibni- a dude whose name meant "straw" or "stubble".

And there you have it!