Dumb news stories

 

Okay, so I am lazy tonight- I stole the meme from my "grok's stupid questions" posts- AND I had grok gather my stories!  First up:

Ski jumper disqualified for wearing boots that were 4mm too big

Austrian skier Daniel Tschofenig got booted (pun intended) from a major event because his boots exceeded the size limit by a whopping four millimeters. He called himself "extremely stupid" for not measuring them amid all the stress. In the grand scheme of Olympic-level drama, this feels peak petty-rule-enforcement energy.

Taking these blind so I don't know if the other Olympically stupid stories made it but- South Korean skiiers for having environmentally unsafe ski wax, the "extra finger" controversy in curling which is causing memes in every sport, A French hockey player getting the heave-ho from the games for getting beat up by Tom Wilson, and the ever-delightful woke Americans making us all look stupid.

Beer pong injury leads to surgery

A 19-year-old's casual beer pong game somehow ended in a bizarre injury bad enough to require surgery. Details are sparse, but the mental image alone qualifies as dumb-funny news fodder.

Apparently after having to drink after missing a shot, he drank a bottle cap that got tossed into his cup, and it got stuck in the back of his throat and inflamed.  I remember when you just had to worry about cigarette butts in the cup (see "Caddyshack").

Well, that and someone puking said butt into your sunroof...

Cat rides 100+ miles on car roof, completely chill

(From recent weird news compilations still circulating) Ray Ray the cat clung to the roof of his family's van for over 100 miles during a move, unfazed, between luggage straps. Family discovered him at a stop, bought him a harness, and he finished the trip like a road-trip legend. Peak feline commitment.

Ray-Ray made about 2 hours worth of Pennsylvania to New Hampshire on I-80.

Obama has to clarify he didn't mean aliens are texting us

Former President Obama casually said on a podcast that aliens are "real" (in the cosmic sense), sparking viral alien buzz. He quickly followed up to shut it down: no evidence of contact, no Area 51 secrets. Classic case of a throwaway comment turning into a news cycle.

"But I've never seen one."  Illegals, yes, space, no.

Dozens of dogs dressed as alligators, fairies, and superheroes protest pet cruelty

In Rio de Janeiro, owners paraded costumed dogs at a Carnival street party to highlight animal welfare. Adorable? Yes. Ridiculous news hook? Absolutely.

Apparently started after a doggie named Orelha met an untimely end...

"Eat yer heart out, Gal Gadot!"

Orelha was a community dog beaten to death by a group of teens, and their parents tried intimidation and witness tampering to get them off the hook.  The young thugs reportedly fled to Orlando, where ICE is fighting a running battle with Mickey Mouse to capture and deport them.

And, at my request for a "killer closer":

Injured seabird desperately pecks at hospital ER door for help

In Bremen, Germany, a cormorant (that sleek black seabird that looks like a goth penguin) showed up at the emergency room entrance of Klinikum Links der Weser hospital, repeatedly pecking at the glass door like it was trying to check in. Staff finally noticed, called firefighters, and discovered a triple fishing hook lodged in its beak. They teamed up to remove the hook, treat the wound, and release the bird back to the wild. The thing basically self-triage'd itself to the ER—smarter than half the people who show up with "I swallowed a bottle cap in beer pong" stories.

"Roy, did dispatch say, "A Coromrant with a fishhook?"