Newspage go!

 

This is my lovely feature where, without really commenting on the main story, I find fault with the headline itself.  Because I'm thinking some fun is in order.

FoxNews (reporting a page from Outkick)

Headline: Notice of MLB All-Star’s death greatly exaggerated by ESPN, irks ex-teammates

Truth:  The story was the exact opposite.  The player, former ChiSox Bobby Jenks, did indeed, die.  The article was how ESPN in their announcement, merely said he "was on the roster of the 2005 World Series winning team" instead of noting he was a star reliever and key performer IN that World Series. So it wasn't that his death was exaggerated; his career was UN-exaggerated.

CNN

Headline: The first genome sequenced from ancient Egypt reveals surprising ancestry, scientists say

Surprising, you say?  Roll tape:

 The researchers concluded that 80% of his genetic material came from ancient people in North Africa while 20% traced back to people in West Asia and the Mesopotamia region.

North African people in ancient Egypt, eh?  Surprising.

BBC

Headline: Teen battles jellyfish to become youngest NI to Scotland solo swimmer

It couldn't have been much of a battle, as the kid's average speed was 1.71 MPH (due to current against him) and a jellyfish's average speed is 0.0048 MPH...  The kid made it in 16 hours, 38 minutes; the jellyfish should be arriving sometime in January.

(Note:  Yes this is the silliness factor. His battle was from around 20 times jellyfish stung him.  But hey, they wrote the headline.  See how this works?)

Pravda

Headline: Russia launches 170-meter-long surprise for Washington

Yes, it's 170-meter long, 187lb kolbasa...

Okay, so this is actually a 12.8 meter kielbasa in Mundare, BC.  And the surprise is actually a new Russian sub.  But if the Russians wanted to make a 170-meter kolbasa, there is a place in Paraguay that made a 203.8 M hot dog with bun, so they could borrow one and still have enough room for several of the world's largest hamburgers on it.

NewsAU

Headline: Warning as ‘disgusting’ dating act soars

The imagination goes wild here: what disgusting act could it be?  I asked Grok for its top five disgusting things to do on a date, to see if it hit the mark.

-Eat a mystery roadkill dinner

-Take her on a sewage treatment plant tour

- Tie-dying shirts with expired milk

-Watch a live stream surgical procedure while dining

- Hiking through a landfill

None of which tripped this story's disgusto-meter.  The actual answer is "cookie-jarring"- basically keeping a little black book of back-up dates if your main interest is unavailable.  EEEEEE!

Xinhua

Headline: Across China: Chinese green pest control technologies benefit overseas tea plantations

Good.  About time someone did something to eradicate that pesty green tea.

France24

Headline: France moves to return colonial-era 'talking drum' to Ivory Coast

In related news, Disney announced they would be returning the Singing Harp to Happy Valley.

And finally...

Egypt Independent (and welcome to the satire bag!)

Headline: 10 key points of Egypt’s new ‘Old Rent Law’ amendments

Wouldn't that then be the "new rent law"? (The answer to that is, apparently, wait seven years, when the new amendments will become new law, and the old laws will be repealed.)