Tilting at Windmills: God's Got a sense of humor part 2

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

God's Got a sense of humor part 2

All right, hopefully you've made sure I'm still alive before opening this, because I'm about to give my top five funny Biblical moments. If you have any I missed, and feel brave enough, put the verses in the comments section and I'll see if I can work up a bit worthy of the genre. Again, I hope everyone (including God) realizes this is just for fun- and hopefully will get some of you more interested in reading YOUR Bibles.

5- I can see you're related to the One who made Naaman swim in the Jordan 7 times... (Matthew 17)

Amusingly, Peter gets hit the second time in this same chapter, as they moved on to Capernaum and immediately Peter got questioned about whether Jesus paid the Temple Tax of 2 drachmas per. Peter, as per usual, says, "Of course!" but then, catching the taste of his foot yet again, decides to ask Jesus. Jesus explains to Him that God is the king of the Temple, and since no king taxes his sons, they go free. But realizing that Peter had already opened his mouth- and that he had been questioned by people who were "fishing" for things to nail Jesus on- Jesus makes him pay. But not by saying, "Nevertheless, go over to Judas, who has the company purse, and get a shekel for the two of us". No, He makes Peter do it the same way the collectors got him- by fishing. "Go out and cast a line. The first thing you catch, open its mouth. Grab the shekel you WILL find there out- and mind the hook- and pay for the two of us." I don't know whether it would have been funnier to see Peter's face at this moment, or to hear the tax collectors say to themselves with a sniff, "Methinks something is fishy here."

4- Gideon, part one, or, "Do you people EVER pay attention?" (Judges 6)

The Israelites are in a bad way yet again, and this time it's Midian who are dominating them. As usual, the people cried out, and God sends them a prophet. This unnamed prophet tells them, "Thus says the LORD: You have been naughty yet again. Despite the fact that I have brought you up out of Egypt, despite the fact that I have saved you from every two-shekel dictator who can rub two swords together, including the Amalekites just last week (or at least it seems like it), here we are again. You are in this mess because you have not obeyed me. Again."

But since God's promises are stronger than their memory, He decides to find the unlikeliest savior of all (until Jesus), Gideon. God sends Jesus (AKA the Angel of the LORD) to Gideon not 3 verses later, calling him out as 'you mighty man of valor' (which becomes funny in and of itself later). To which Gideon replies:

"Please, sir, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all his wonderful deeds that our fathers recounted to us, saying, 'Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt?' But now the LORD has forsaken us and given us into the hand of Midian."

If this became the first known instance of the Gibbs slap, Jesus would have been well within His rights. "For pity's sake, did I send the prophet last week for NOTHING?" Thank You, God for being more patient than we are stupid.

3- "I didn't do it, she did!" "I didn't do it, he did!" (Genesis 3)

You all know this one- the kids mess up, Dad finds out, no one cops a plea, everyone gets punished. And when you look at it that way, the thought of God having Adam, Eve, and the Serpent, all lined up on a log in the middle of Eden grilling them cracks me up. "I didn't do it, she did!" Adam says, hinting that God let a defect sneak in when He made Eve. Eve was like, "Well, this guy tricked me into it." The Serpent, who entered the room to a chorus of Elvis's You're The Devil In Disguise, looks to the right, looks to the left- and gets that sinking feeling maybe he shoulda spoke up first. So God divvies out the punishment: "Adam, boy do I have some chores for you! Eve, I've got something special lined up for you, too. But, Serpent-" as the reptile sinks ever lower- "when I'm done with you, you're gonna feel like your HEAD got smashed in!"

As usual, the instigator has nothing to say.

2- Hall of Fame inductee, worst alibi ever (Exodus 32)

Aaron really earned himself a seat on the stump next to these other three with this one. Moses has been talking to God for over a month, and the people are restless. Despite everything they have seen over the last couple of months, they fail to connect the dots- or don't want to- and ask Aaron to DJ a 'hot time in the old town tonight' party, complete with something to stand as their "divine disco ball". So Aaron makes a golden calf and cues the music. When the cops- er, Moses arrives to charge all involved for disturbing the Peace of God, Aaron gives us his "you can't make this up" explanation:

Exo 32:22 And Aaron said, "Let not the anger of my lord burn hot. You know the people, that they are set on evil.

Exo 32:23 For they said to me, 'Make us gods who shall go before us. As for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.'

Exo 32:24 So I said to them, 'Let any who have gold take it off.' So they gave it to me, and I threw it into the fire, and out came this calf."

"Gee, Moses, all I did was toss the stuff in. And it popped out, like magic!"

If God were "human", He would have been up on the mountain saying to Himself, "And I just told Moses to make Aaron my priest. Oy."

And, at my top....

1- Gideon #2, or "What did you eat before you went to bed, Abimelech?" (Judges 7)

So now we're a bit farther along the story of our "mighty man of valor", who has asked for- and received- two miracles just getting this far. How far? Well, we're at the night before he tales his 300 men into battle against a horde "as numerous as locusts". And God had long since figured out (yeah, I know, He knew all along, but just play along) that He wasn't entrusting the job to the bravest son of Joash He could find. So He gave him one more miracle- a miracle SO ridiculous, even the Apostle Thomas couldn't have doubted it. But, it was going to take an act of courage- Gideon and his servant Purah (whose name, curiously, means 'foliage') had to sneak into the enemy camp, to hear an apparently random conversation. I honestly cannot do a bit funnier than what happens next:

Jdg 7:13 When Gideon came, behold, a man was telling a dream to his comrade. And he said, "Behold, I dreamed a dream, and behold, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the camp of Midian and came to the tent and struck it so that it fell and turned it upside down, so that the tent lay flat."
Jdg 7:14 And his comrade answered, "This is no other than the sword of Gideon the son of Joash, a man of Israel; God has given into his hand Midian and all the camp."

"So, I dreamed that a loaf of bread rolled down a hill, hit our main tent, and knocked it flat..."

"Wow, that must mean that some guy we never heard of before is going to destroy us all! Either that, or we shouldn't have let that Peter fellow set up our tents..."