Newspage go!

 

Here's another feature I haven't done in a long time, where I go to various amusingly worded headlines to get the gist of the story.  Forgive me that I haven't done this in a while, and I hope you enjoy...

1. FoxNews

POPPING BALLOONS: Macy's turmoil ahead of Thanksgiving parade as worker faces insane accusations

What's actually insane is, "Why would you do this?" What, you ask?

After launching an investigation, Macy's found that "a single employee with responsibility for small package delivery expense accounting intentionally made erroneous accounting accrual entries to hide approximately $132 [million] to $154 million of cumulative delivery expenses from the fourth quarter of 2021 through fiscal quarter ended November 2, 2024," the company said in a press release.

Nobody's saying just why the former employee would do this, which was a mere 3% of the total of delivery expenses Macy's had over the time period.  I will deliberate in my head over this as I continue, and hopefully make up a definitive, if unreal, answer by end of post.

2. CNN

This is actually a subheadline under the breaking news headline about Jack Smith dropping the January 6th prosecutions against President-elect Trump:

Trump has said he would fire Smith, shattering previous norms around special counsel investigations

Shattering previous norms?  Apparently CNN staffers are all 50 or under with no interest in political history.  In 1973, Nixon fired Archibald Cox, the special prosecutor for Watergate- after accepting the resignations of Elliot Richardson and William Ruckelshaus for refusing to do the same.  Google "Saturday Night Massacre", young'uns.

3. Mirror UK

Things you should never put in the dishwasher as they can cause 'serious damage'

I was expecting a long list of extremely stupid items that "people unclear on the concept" might somehow decide to dishwash.  I was disappointed- there were only three, although they did meet, to me, the 'extremely stupid' qualification:

1- Tinfoil.  Dude, the stuff is disposable.  You're endangering your machine which costs $500 to $1200 to save 6 cents a foot.

2- 'Extremely cold items'.  This is kinda so stupid, I don't even have a good snark in response.

3- And of course, items that say "Not dishwasher safe".  Just maybe, the manufacturer wasn't kidding?

4. Xinhua

Arabic version of Xi's discourses on Chinese modernization published

"Run, don't walk, to your neighborhood Beijing Barnes and Noble for this gripping read!" said no reviewer ever.

5. Japan Times

Startup transplants pig kidney into monkey for first time in Japan

They say they are trying to adapt pig organs to transplant into humans.  I say they're trying to grow... PIG KONG!

I was hoping against hope someone had come up with this; instead, I get a piggy dog toy...

6. BBC World

Sixteen missing after Red Sea tourist boat sinks

No, the story or headline isn't funny per se; but the first thought I had was, "Don't book that, 'Pharaoh's route against Moses' tour"...

7. Pravda

Lame duck Biden has his final meltdown as he wants World War Three to start now

My first thought was, "Final? He has until January 5th to have more of them!"  My second chuckle was in the article, where the author reveals the basis of the story was a tweet on X from Andrew Napolitano.  I don't know whether it is better to laugh at Pravda for taking Napolitano seriously, or laugh at the legacy media that even Pravda gets its news from X.

Finale

After long (at least a few seconds) of deliberation, I have finally decided the Macy's employee was doing some sort of high tech version of Johnny Cash's One Piece At A Time: sneaking items out of his workplace in order to build a...what?  I doubt he could have managed what Johnny did...

Uh, what model is it?

Well, it's a '49, '50, '51, '52, '53, '54, '55, '56, '57, '58, '59 automobile

It's a '60, '61, '62, '63, '64, '65, '66, '67, '68, '69, '70 automobile....

Maybe he was building the ultimate microwave/mixer that dresses well and smells good...