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Wee-hoo! Way ta start things off at our 700th and very last Time Machine! An' now, ladies an' gents, our fearless leader, Chris Martin!!!!
Hah! I hope you are thirsty, my friends!
Nice costume, boss, but you ain't THAT innersting!
Whatever, jailbird! This is it, the big Halloween bash! And I have a lot of fun planned for this one, including a shock surprise celebrity Beauty Contest!
Waitaminit! You ain't gettin' me in another bathin' suit, are ya?
Good heavens, no! I have certain ladies of Time Machine fame who will be competing... and not the way you might imagine! But first, here's a Halloween 6D from our favorite Werewolf, Horace Bellbottom!
HB: Good Heavens! Why did you make me come out here in full view like this?
EP: Haw! You're even fuzzier than usual!
HB: Sigh, I suppose the upside is this will be my last humiliation in the name of alleged humor... So we start tonight with... what, it posts in the morning? That is truly absurd. At any rate, we start with the one album Chris ever specially requested for Christmas, many years ago- Roseanne Cash's Rhythm and Romance. The big hit on that lp, I Don't Know Why You Don't Want Me, was co-written by then-husband and country star on his own, Rodney Crowell. Prior to this, he was a member of Emmilou Harris's backing band, along with bluegrass hall of Famer James Burton. Burton was a longtime member of the band for that hooligan in the jail stripes over there, and played on such hits as his Moody Blue album. On that same lp, Mr Presley et al covered the Diamonds' Little Darlin'- a song that was meant to be a pastiche on the doo-wop genre and ended up being one of it's classics.
This song, in turn, was on the playlist of a band called the Cordials. One night, the lead singer sang it in a "Boris Karloff" voice. Another member mentioned he ought to do something else in that voice... and that was what inspired that member and the singer, soon to be known as Bobby "Boris" Pickett, to do the Monster Mash! I imagine now, you'll want to play that song....
Actually, no, we couldn't get time to fit that in, but next up, we do have that hooligan in the jail stripes himself! Hit it, buddy!
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How appropriate that you are in such attire, Mr Presley... because jail is precisely where I intend to take you!
EP: Who the Sam Hill are you?
IT: Inspector Tuttle, working with the Board of Health. There is an outstanding complaint about your food establishment in this... well, building... specifically about an item called, Bologna Casserole...
EP: WHAT??? C'mon son, that's my mama's recipe! Anyone got sick off it, it's just because they don't have the constitution for a Southern dish!
IT: You'll have to take that up with your legal team, sir. The plaintiffs were quite adamant in their charges.
EP: What 'plaintiffs'?
IT: Gentlemen...
George: Hah, we finally got you back, you country lout!
Paul: A right funny turn, don't you think?
EP: Dagnabit it, you really had me going there!
Ringo: And while we're here, we have the pleasure to introduce our next costumed act... and why not go with the ultimate costumed act... Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you, the act you've loved for all these years...
John: You don't mean Sgt Pepper?
Ringo: No, I mean KISS!
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All right, guys, now for my favorite part of today's show- the Costumed Beauty Contest! I have selected five ladies who, well, might have gotten a bit of the business on our show, and to "make it up to them", I'm having them compete in their own Beauty Contest! Of course, I selected the costumes for them, so... I may be going out in a big way here! Let me bring in our five contestants! Starting with...
Diana Ross!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| "I hope you still have that lawyer on retainer..." |
Cher!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| "If you even suggest I say "Howdy"... |
Aretha Franklin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| "What the... half your audience don't even know who this is!!!" |
Maureen McGovern!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| "This is the smile you get from me right before you KISS MAH GRITS!" |
And finally, the lady we wouldn't have made it through the summer without...
Toni Tennille!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| "You are so definitely dead..." |
And the winner gets an all expenses paid date- as long as she remains in the costume for the date- with...
Wayne Newton!
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| "Yes! I.. wait a minute.. why me?" |
EP: Yer the only one 'a' us whose rep won't take a hit doin' it! 'Ceptin' maybe Bellbottom...
HB: I'll have you know, I have been happily married for 35 years... at least, until tonight...
And now to pick our winner... Misty? Oh, Misty!
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| WOOF! WOOF! |
Nardole, can we get that on the universal translator?
N: Yes.. roughly, "Are you kidding? No treat is worth that!"
Oh... yeah, I get that. Well then, by the power vested in me by virtue of being the commander of this Tardis, I declare the winner... Toni as Granny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In one blow, I give both Toni and Granny their long-desired Beauty Contest win!
TT: Wait till I catch you, I'll give you one long-awaited blow!
Oh, camahn! You can't seriously say you've had this much fun in a long time!
TT: Well... I suppose you have me there...
And thus, here we are... "..at the end of all things,", as Buck Meek put it this summer. I thought about what further tomfoolery I could have put here... but this gig kinda grows on ya, and I want to end it with something meaningful. You know what, though? I can't put it any better than this right here. Take us out, Dobie Gray...
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Before I turn off the lights, some thank yous for everyone who made this possible. First off, The wonderful Cashbox archives run by Randy Price, the good people at ARSA radio surveys who let me freeload off them for so long, and before them, the old Alaska Jim website, now gone dark. Next up, all of you, the readers who put up with the boring parts to get to the fun stuff since May 1st, 2010! Thanks especially for the late great Bobby G, who did so much to help out, including the fantastic logo we've used for so long. Special tip o' the hat to frequent guest known to the world as Shady, who really showed me that a post can turn into an imaginary TV show- you finally got your wish with Granny! And finally, to the lovely lady and the two doggies who read, listened, assisted, and put up with the hours it took to do these things!
Perhaps there will be a Christmas bash again this year, with a Beauty Contest in it... I don't know yet. If so, see you then!
Hi, Chris!
ReplyDeleteI feel honored to be here and experience your 700th and last Time Machine, good buddy. Thank you for inviting me.
The gang's all here - Elvis the Pelvis, Wayne Newton and other celebrities you recruited for this series to banter with each other and ramp up the fun. Thank you very much for mentioning me. Writers and authors of fiction whose blogs I have followed over the years have often stated that they love the characters in their stories. They consider them members of the family. I feel the same way about the characters I have created to help share my interests and reveal my tastes. I trust the same is true for you, good buddy. An assortment of interesting characters helps make blog content come alive.
I love the musical selections in this finale edition. This was the first time I viewed that performance by a recent lineup of Paul Revere And The Raiders. I liked the fact that the guys executed that trademark hopping dance step as they performed, just like the original band did back in the day. The boomers in the audience clearly appreciated the authenticity that went into the new band's rendition of their mid 60s hit "Kicks."
Whenever I watch that nicely restored clip from Jailhouse Rock, I am impressed by Elvis's acrobatic dance moves and bold, swaggering body language as much as his singing.
The highlight for me was the Kiss appearance on Letterman. The crowd went wild. Paul Stanley currently has his own YouTube channel and is still turning our great song performances in various genres. I might mention that David Hasselhoff of Baywatch and Knight Rider fame is also turning out some great new songs and videos these days. You might want to check out both of those channels.
I always get misty when I hear Dobie Gray sing "Drift Away." Speaking of Misty, is it wonderful to see a nice pic of your doggie buddy, and I am delighted with his choice of Toni T. disguised as Granny C. as Queen of the Hop - the last and arguably the best - Beauty Contest winner! I only wish you could have found a photo of Granny in a swimsuit.
Let us not forget "the Scrappy years" when your beloved beagle, nicknamed (by me just now) "The Wiener King," methodically picked the B.C. wiener. I will always remember and love Scrappy.
Thank you again for inviting me to the party, Chris. You ended your long-running series in style and I was delighted to be here to enjoy it along with your other readers.
Happy Halloween to Laurie, Misty and to you good buddy Chris!
And I appreciate you coming! The musical selections came together fairly easily, as I had that part planned from about the time I decided to close shop. The Beauty Contest was a very recent stroke, and the Misty bit even newer, while "Inspector Tuttle was a nearly as-you-type-it throw in. That is the thing I will miss about doing this- it never took long before the posts wrote themselves!
DeleteActually, we had a Hasselhoff song on here not long ago- no, wait a minute, forgive my memory, it was Greg Evigan, another example of the oddball guests I had on here the last few months, including but not limited to: Kirby Puckett, Signe Toly Anderson, Col. Sanders, and Barney the Purple Dinosaur (when I requested "someone big from the 80's".)
Believe me, I never forget "the Scrappy Years". I almost tried to work him in somehow... just didn't feel right. The Misty picture is one I took to post on my (then) new boss's door when we started working Saturdays, captioned, "You made my Daddy work Saturday, I want to BITE you!"
You are right about the characters. Considering Elvis was supposed to be a one-off, Wayne Newton was just a cringe-worthy picture, and Horace Bellbottom was supposed to be a one-off lawyer for the Beatles, they came a long way with me.
Well, happy Halloween... and perhaps keep a time open around Christmas...
I have nothing, I just feel like shit
ReplyDeleteYou had me laughing through this one, the plaintiffs (Beatles) and the beauty contest? Perfect.
ReplyDeleteI thank you! It was the last, it had to be at least a top five effort.
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